Monday, December 03, 2007

A Moment to Exhale

My girl was wonderful today. She's getting easier to handle by the day, knock on wood. She's still a bit of an intermittent napper; some days she takes lovely, long naps, and other days they're quite short and infrequent (making for a cranky baby). However, she is a great sleeper at night. Usually goes down by 6pm, and tonight she put herself to sleep, precluded by a long and adorable session of babbling to the bears in her mobile and the mirror in her crib. So I actually have a moment to blog, research Christmas gifts, and exhale...

I'm in the last month of maternity leave, and I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I am really looking forward to going back to work. I crave the mental stimulation and social interaction with other adults. And let's be honest, people - I look forward to going back to a dual income. But on the other the above paragraph explained, my baby is starting to become a real joy as she matures and has seemingly out-grown her colicky stage. She'll be going to a wonderful daycare center, which I also have mixed feelings about. It has a wonderful curriculum and learning opportunities above-and-beyond your typical center, and I think the socialization benefits she'll gain will prepare her well for school. But I hate that someone else is raising her during the day. My current feeling is that this is the best route to go, as it will allow me to remain a well-rounded individual which will help make me the best mother and wife I can be.

So my current "thing" is getting ready for Christmas. We debated about putting up a tree this year, especially on the days that I was real exhausted from the baby. We decided to go for it this weekend, and I'm so glad we did. The tree is done, and looks so lovely. Of course the baby loves looking at the lights, and was a great audience while I decorated. She enjoyed sitting on the couch and watching me work...I didn't go all out on the holiday decor, but what I did do I am really pleased with. I'm just waiting for the holiday stockings to arrive in the mail, and it'll all be complete.

Well hubby just got home so I'm signing off for now...

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Motherhood is... many things. I can now relate to stories about children in a whole new way. When I watch shows on TV and see children suffering/sick/[insert horrible condition here], my heart aches. I used to watch those stories and feel tip-of-the-iceberg empathy for the parents, but now I really feel pain as I imagine, "what if that was my daughter..." In such cases, motherhood is gut-wrenching.

Kiwi was particularly fussy yesterday, close to how she was in the early days when she was pretty dang near inconsolable. Rather than cry (which I did in the early days out of sheer frustration and panic), I got really frustrated...and even angry. Angry that my husband was at work and had the "easy" job. Angry that I couldn't figure out how to console her. And angry because I need a break from this little girl who looks like an absolute cherub when she wakes up in the morning with the most peaceful, pleasant, toothless grin I've ever laid eyes on. In these moments, motherhood is maddening.

The baby has been sleeping fairly well at night (usually the first stretch lasts 6 hours, and sometimes even 7 or 8), but is not the best napper. Her longest nap today was an hour, then she'd be happy for about 15 minutes, and take 45 minutes to put down for another short nap. She's almost slept for an hour now, and I'm hoping it lasts just a little longer so I can finish this post. I've been scouring the internet for articles on how to help babies nap longer/better, and my eyes hurt from all the reading. Will also ask the pediatrician for advice at her well-baby visit this week (wish us well, she's getting her first round of immunizations). So lately (ok, since Kiwi was born), motherhood has been an ongoing experience in education, trial and error, and experience. It pisses me off that so much of the "professional" advice out there is conflicting, but I guess every child is different, yada, yada, yada.

When I have these issues with the baby, my husband is helpful in his own way. He is a wonderful, doting father who loves this child more deeply than I had dared to hope. He (and consequently I) was worried about his ability to bond since we went the DI route, but has formed a lovely attachment to this little girl that makes my heart swell. He wears his heart on his sleeve for her, and tells her that she's "stolen daddy's heart". But oh, how I wish he could be more of a chick sometimes. When baby has issues, he's all over the place. He reads up on infant care and does have some clever gems once in a while. But he is just so typically male sometimes, it is infuriating, especially when I'm already taking on the majority of childcare and am still sleep-deprived. In times like these, motherhood feels isolating. My husband is my best friend, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. So it makes me feel alone.

Let's end this post on a positive note, shall we? My baby girl is going to be 3 months old next week, and I really do think she is one of the cutest babies I've ever seen. So without further ado (and I know this is way overdue, no pun intended), here she is:


11/27/07: Sorry folks, paranoia has set in and I've decided to remove the picture. I don't want someone we know to stumble across it, and I also don't want to go password-protected. I've received quite a few emails from folks dealing with azoospermia, and my story has given them a bit of hope. So I want to keep this site public for them, and future people who may come across this blog. THANKS for the people who did comment on her picture - it meant a lot!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

A Strange Phenomenon

Sorry it's been awhile since my last post; my baby girl keeps me quite busy!

So last night I experienced a strange phenomenon...I felt this aching sensation on the left side of my girly parts. It was oddly familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. Oh! I'm about to ovulate! How quickly we forget, huh? I also had EWCM a few days ago, so I should've realized what the pain was sooner. All I can say is I've get a pretty foggy head ever since I had the baby. My memory is shot, and my mind is often 10 thoughts behind where it should be. My husband has laughed out loud on several occasions when he's asked me a question and been met by a totally dumb, deer-in-the-headlights expression on my face. I am surprised that the plumbing is getting back into working order so quickly, especially since I'm breastfeeding exclusively. I know, you can still ovulate and get pregnant while breastfeeding; I just thought it'd take longer than 2 months post-partum.

Things are progressing well on the baby front. Kiwi is now almost 10 weeks old, and her reflux has improved quite a bit on the meds. I was actually able to lay her flat to sleep last night! These past several weeks she would either sleep in her car-seat during the night, or in her swing or bouncer during the day to keep her inclined and stop her stomach contents from coming up. However, although her reflux has improved, her new problem is gas. She gets it often after a feeding, but sometimes not for an hour or so later. It's so bad I can hear her stomach gurgling, and feel all the gas bubbles as well. I spoke to the pediatrician today, who said it's just a part of the lovely reflux issue. He said to give her Mylic0n as often as every 2 hours if she needs it. I may try this gripe water called C0lic C@lm, which the doc said was safe, and is supposed to relieve gas/colic.

Other than the reflux and gas, Kiwi is now in a super-fun stage - she coos, makes lots of direct eye contact, and has real smiles! Sometimes when I pick her up for her night-time feeding she will just stare at me with the cutest smile on her face...almost coyly. I try not to give her a lot of stimulation at night so she'll go back to sleep quickly, but sometimes I just can't resist and smile right on back. It's just too cute...

Well, baby calls - so I have to cut this post short. Will update again soon as time permits!

Monday, October 01, 2007

The Reflux (ok, bad pun on the old Dur@n Dur@n song)

Wow, my baby girl is 6 weeks old! So much has been happening, and we've learned a ton...

What I originally thought was a milk allergy was in fact reflux. Apparently all babies have some degree of reflux, which is what causes spit-up. However, some babies have it to a greater extent, which makes them really uncomfortable as the acids in their stomach come back up, and this even interferes with their sleep and possibly weight gain (this wasn't an issue with my girl). She would also fuss quite a bit during and after feedings, arching her back and howling like she was in a great deal of pain (which I believe she was). The crying was getting to be so intense, often, and prolonged that we uttered the dreaded words...was it colic? And she couldn't sleep longer than 1.5 hours at a time during the day and night, when previously she took beautiful naps - she'd wake up constantly from gagging and coughing, the poor thing. So off we went to the pediatrician, who diagnosed it as reflux and prescribed Prev@cid. I was in turmoil about giving my girl meds at such a young age, but after careful delibration with hubby, we decided it was worth it if it could ease her pain and allow her to rest.

She's been on the meds for just over a week, and we are seeing a difference. It's not 100%, but I understand this may take a week or two to see the full extent of the improvement. One wonderful tidbit to report - she's now "sleeping through the night", which, according to the docs that study this sort of thing equals any amount greater than 5 hours. She's sleeping for a 6 hour stretch, which means I only have to get up for one night-time feeding! She's also sleeping in her car seat so she'll be more upright, which seems to really keep things from backing up as well. I may try one of those special wedge pillows that holds baby at a 30 degree angle, but am not totally decided on that point yet. Baby was previously a very noisy sleeper (clearing her throat constantly, gagging, coughing), and now she now sleeps soundly and wakes up rested and happy!

Breastfeeding is going well now. My milk supply is well established, and I also pump milk for hubby to feed her sometimes or for when Grandma babysits. DH and I actually got away on a "date" last week, and it was great!

Ok, now for some total honestly. I love my girl. I didn't right away. Don't get me wrong, I knew that I would at some point. But in the early days and weeks, I didn't feel like I knew her, and I was so overwhelmed at recoving from the c-section and learning how to be a Mom that it was all I could handle to breastfeed, change diapers, eat, and sleep. I didn't know how to soothe her when her crying jags started (before we figured out it was reflux and brought her some relief). I was actually a bit scared of her, and wasn't willing to be left alone with her, to the chagrin of my husband. Now, I feel like her Mom, and I really, deeply love her. And her crying doesn't freak me out anymore. Certain of her cries actually make me laugh, and others just make me melt. And she's starting to smile, which is a whole other reward in and of itself. It feels like a pat on the back for getting this far. And she's starting to coo, and of course I'm pulling for her first words to be Mama :) So I feel like I can handle this parenting thing. At least today.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Baby Update

So I finally have a few moments to post a decent baby update! Kiwi is 3 weeks old today, and the time has flown by in a big definitely feels like it's been longer than 3 weeks, as she's gone through so many changes and we've learned so much.

The last several days have been tough; after the first several days after her birth, we though we'd settled into knowing our baby reasonably well and were attending to her various needs enough so that she was not doing a lot of crying anymore. In those early days I think we weren't feeding her enough because my milk supply hadn't come in fully and we weren't supplementing with formula yet. After we got over that hurdle and she surpassed her birth weight in under 2 weeks, we went back to just breastfeeding. I read how a breastfeeding mother's daily calcium requirement is 1000 mcg, so started to drink more milk and eat more dairy to get to that recommendation on food rather than just vitamin supplements. Well, I think my little girl has a milk allergy, because she got SUPER fussy and started to spit up a lot. This lasted for a couple days until I stopped with the dairy, and baby is back to her old self, nursing like a champ and only having minimal spit up.

The funny thing is, I had started to get pretty frustrated about breastfeeding and how much time it actually takes out of your day (not to mention the cracked, sore nipples I had to overcome). As I said in my previous post, I feel like a 24 hour lactaction station. Baby spends anywhere between 10 - 35 minutes per breastfeeding session, and by the time I get her diaper changed and down for a nap, it's practically time for her to eat again! She typically eats every 2-4 hours, but has already had a day where she cluster-fed; I think she was in the midst of her 3-week growth spurt. Then before we figured out the milk allergy, she would be very fussy at the breast, and come off and on the breast, and cry during the entire nursing session. This made for a very frustrated Mommy, and I was really at the end of my rope. My frustration culminated in a crying jag yesterday, as I felt quite helpless and out of ideas. Luckily, DH swooped in and took on baby duty for most of the day. I pumped my milk to empty my breasts in the afternoon, and by the evening feeding, baby was happy again. So I think the milk I'd had in the morning had worked itself out of my breastmilk by then.

Although I'd been having all these frustrations with breastfeeding, I can't tell you how relieved and thrilled I was to be able to nourish my little one again. And even though I didn't have any pumped milk in the fridge (meaning DH couldn't take one of the nighttime feedings), I was happy to get up for baby and feed her because of this breakthrough we'd had. I feel like we've had a success here, and am starting to enjoy breastfeeding more now. Baby is also becoming increasingly alert, and we look at each other more intently now when she nurses, which is more akin to what I was looking forward to when I'd read all the breastfeeding books and their promises of bonding, etc. Fingers crossed, I think we're on the right path with this now...

Monday, September 03, 2007

Thanks for the Nod!

Wow - what a pleasant and totally unexpected surprise to see that I've been nominated twice as a Rockin' Girl Blogger!

Thanks go out to Trace and Nina - if you haven't checked out their blogs yet, I highly recommend you do so. They are both a couple of cook chicks with very interesting lives.

Here are some nominations from my camp:

Amanda at Manana Banana - Hers was the first blog I found that had to do with azoospermia and the utilization of donor sperm. It really gave me hope when I needed it most, and opened up this whole wonderful community of blogs to me. If she only knew how timely and helpful her blog was for me at a difficult time in my life...

Lucky #2 at Dreaming Minds - Great blog that I'm now following with interest as this mother dips her toes back into the working world - something I will be doing after the new year.

Chas at Sugar and Ice - This is a fun blog about motherhood to an adorable baby girl!

The following nominations are for folks whose blogs are password-protected. Sorry if you don't have access to their sites, but I didn't want to exclude them just because of that minor detail...

Beagle at Cats in the Cradle - Beagle is well on the path to adoption and is a strong, inspirational, candid woman whose path I have followed for quite some time. My fingers remain crossed for her and a short wait!

Dramalish at Baby Quest - Hers is another one of those early blogs that provided me with comfort when we first found out about DH's diagnosis. Plus she's an all-around cool chick who's provided tons of support to me and others out there.

Check out the above blogs, I think you'll like 'em.

Will post an update on life with the new baby soon...all I can say is that I'm tired, my back constantly hurts, I wish my c-section would heal quicker than it is, I feel like I'm a 24-hour breastfeeding machine...and my little baby is just precious. One look at her when she's awoken from a nap with those big eyes can make a tired Momma melt in a nanosecond...

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Life is Good!

We welcomed Kiwi into the world on Friday, August 17th, and she was in wonderful health. I nursed her while in recovery from the c-section, and boy did she have a strong latch! She was on each breast for 30 minutes, and it was wonderful to look at all her little body parts and get to know her.

We stayed in the hospital for 3 days, and have been home for over a week now. She was a little fussy the first few nights home, but the last 4 nights she has been great. Just wakes up for her feedings and goes back to sleep, allowing us to get a bit more rest than before. The swing that we received as a gift has been great - it saves our arms/back and puts her right into dreamland, then we just place her into the cosleeper attached to our bed, and she's out for the count...

She is a wonderful little girl, and suprisingly alert. We have a picture of her at 5 days old, eyes wide open in her swing at 3 am! Everyone comments on how alert she is, and love to see her big eyes when they visit. I love to gaze into her big eyes when I nurse, and have been taking lots of pics.

She also developed a bit of jaundice and lost about 14 ounces, so we had to supplement the breast-feeding with formula. She's gained back 7 ounces, and we'll see tomorrow at her follow-up appointment with the pediatrician whether she's back to her original birth weight yet. If so, we'll stop the formula and just breastfeed.

Well I am pooped so am going to go lie down while the baby is asleep. Will post more later.

Life is good...

Monday, August 13, 2007

The Countdown is On

Well folks, we're currently at T minus 4 days, and boy am I ready to get this show on the road! The baby dropped early last week, so things are very heavy and pressure-filled in yonder pelvic region. It seems like I get a new symptom of discomfort on a daily basis now (cramping, stronger Braxton Hicks, back pain...), as my body is telling me in no uncertain terms that it is preparing for labor. I just hope Kiwi doesn't decide to make an early appearance; hold on till Friday, baby girl.

I did manage to squeeze in a pedicure last week, and am going to get my hair cut today. My hair has gotten so long and thick during this pregnancy, I'm hoping I don't lose too much of it as the hormones get back on track post-delivery.

Other than that, I'm just laying low these days. I'm pretty uncomfortable physically, so am not really cooking and doing much around the house. Our maid service comes tomorrow, and I'll be glad to arrive home from the hospital to a clean house.

If I don't post again for awhile, please send good thoughts my way this Friday. Will post pictures and details about the birth once I'm feeling up to it.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Oh Happy Day

I'm happy today, in a contented, calm, all-is-right-with-the-world sort of way.

Yesterday, DH surprised me in a wonderful, yet oh-so-him kind of way. I haven't been sleeping too well during this final stretch of pregnancy, and usually get in a nap a day. We were running around doing errands, and my crankiness factor was increasing exponentially relative to every minute that continued to pass without a nap. I felt like a child who needed to be put down, hah!

So when we finally got home, he dropped me off and said he needed to go to an electronics store to return some stuff, and I stayed home and took my nap. When he returned about 30 minutes later, he was asking me when I was gonna get up, etc., which I thought was weird because he usually just lets me do my thing when I'm resting. So I got up since I felt pretty rested anyway, and came downstairs with him. Next thing I know, he's giving me this goofy smile, and after 10 more dense minutes on my part, I finally noticed the little card that he had on the kitchen island.

He had gotten me a little something to commemorate the upcoming milestone in our lives that is a baby. For under the card, was a little gift box...and when I opened it, there it was. A perfect, beautiful, sweet, amazing ring of diamonds and pink sapphires. He explained that he recognizes all the sacrifices I've been making to have a healthy baby (especially with the latest challenges posed with the gestational diabetes meal plan), and wanted to get something for me before it becomes all about baby Kiwi. He can still make me melt, and my pregnancy hormones even made me shed a few tears. He is my husband, and I love him dearly for who he is, and who I am with him.

We've also settled on a name for Kiwi, which I will not share yet. I'm not sure if I'll share her full name since this is still a public blog, and we want to maintain anonymity while still sharing our story. But it was wonderful after receiving the gift from hubby that he called her by the name that's been at the top of our list, but that we had not confirmed with each other yet. So we have a name, a time, and a place that we will meet her. I can't wait.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

I Guess I'm Nesting

Now that I'm on maternity leave, I have a lot more time for baby stuff (and blogging!) Although my c-section is still a couple of weeks away, I have this overwhelming desire to get everything ready for baby Kiwi NOW. What if she comes early and everything isn't ready? That just would not do. Ah, if you could see the spreadsheets, to-do lists, nursery, closet organizer, and other assorted tools I've been using to get ready, you might think I'm an overly anal mom-to-be. Or not. I just like to think of myself as prepared :)

I had hubby put together the pack and play this morning. This is what we're gonna use as our downstairs bassinet/changing station. It's really cute, and the only thing I have to do is exchange the sheets I bought for them because they really don't match. I stuffed the holder that attaches to it with a bunch of diapers, and don't really know where to put the wipes for now, so they're sitting on top of the changing station. Will have to mull over a better solution for that...

We'll be using a co-sleeper in the bedroom at night, the kind that attaches to the side of your bed with one side down. I've heard rave reviews on these from friends, and am thinking it will be handy for breastfeeding - especially when I'm healing from the c-section. We've assembled it already, and just need to move the night stand on my side of the bed somewhere else and attach the co-sleeper to the bed. I'm also mulling over where to put diapering supplies in the bedroom to make night-time changings convenient. Right now I've got a long, narrow basket inside the co-sleeper with diapers, wipes, and diaper rash ointment, and then I have a changing pad draped over the side of the sleeper itself. I think this will be fine in baby's first weeks, since the sleeper is quite large, but will need to move this stuff out eventually. I guess we'll play that by ear.

Finally, we need to assemble the cradle/swing, stroller (which I think should be a piece of cake), and bouncer. Kiwi will have so many places to sleep and hang out!

I ordered some cute nursing pajamas, a nursing bra that holds a double breast pump in place, and a nice robe online yesterday. The robe I will bring to the hospital, and the other items are for when I get home. I already have a nursing gown that I'll use in the hospital, which I'm thinking will be more comfortable to minimize clothing on the incision site. I need to find/get some granny panties so they will go over the site as well, instead of the low-rise ones I usually wear that would probably hit the site right where it hurts.

I need to go to the store tomorrow to return a duplicate item I got from my baby showers, and to get a few more things that we're still missing: a bottle brush, retractable sun shades for the car, etc. Do you really need to sterilize baby bottles before you use them, or is washing them enough? I have these bottles unpacked in the kitchen but am not sure how to prep them. Maybe I'll just run them through the top rack of the dishwasher? I don't know; I'm just going to have them on-hand in case I need to supplement with formula before my milk comes in or baby is jaundiced, but I do intend on breastfeeding exclusively.

I guess I'll wrap up this post for now, lunch-time beckons. I'm on this stupid meal plan because I got conservatively diagnosed with gestational diabetes, so I have to test my blood sugar 4 times a day and watch my carb intake, etc. No need for meds though, so that's about the only upshot to this whole situation. I can't wait until I have the baby and can eat anything I want! That is just how it should be when you're pregnant, at least some of the time. Ciao for now.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

We Have a Date

My last ultrasound (at 34 weeks) showed that the placenta moved a little, but not enough to safely proceed with a natural birth. So we have a date set for the c-section, August 17th.

I am totally ok with going this route (I guess I'd better be, since I don't have a choice!), and am actually looking forward to the big day. If all goes well, I will not go into labor prior to this day, and can avoid having to employ the breathing and relaxation techniques I half-heartedly paid attention to in my childbirth classes. If all goes well, I will show up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on the given day, have a quick and simple c-section, and meet my baby girl who is unbruised and untraumatized by not having to squeeze through any birth canal. And she will look into my eyes, and we'll share a meaningful "hello". And she will breastfeed. And all will be well. And hubby and I will feel happy and complete.

That's what I'm hoping for, but we'll see what actually happens...

My last day of work is tomorrow, then I'll have a couple weeks to prepare for the big day. I've started doing laundry, and should have the bulk of it finished by today. I also started packing the hospital bag, and would still like to go out and get a robe and some other assorted items. We installed the car seat two nights ago, and I just love seeing it in the car, in its waiting state. It's like it's blinking and there's a sign above it that reads, "all we need is the baby". It makes me feel like a Mom to have it in the back of my car, and it's a cool feeling. We still need to assemble some baby stuff, like the pack and play, swing, bouncer, and stroller. We received most of the big things we registered for, which is awesome. It's lovely to see how people react to you when you are pregnant; it just seems to bring out smiles in all.

Once Kiwi shows up, my Mom will be staying with us for a month to help out. This will be a lifesaver, as DH will not be taking off his extended time until the beginning of September, and she'll be cooking/caring for me and helping with baby as I recover from my c-section (hubby will help with baby on the night shift). Plus it'll be a nice safety net to have someone in the house who's had so many kids herself. We're not nearly as anxious as we would've been since we know she'll be there. Moms are grand :)

So that's the general plan! I'll get onto the computer and post pics once I'm feeling up to it, but it probably won't be right away. I hope all my blog friends are doing well; I read up on your blogs often and still feel a special bond with you all even though I have reached the holy grail of infertility. Fingers crossed for all of you who are still on the journey.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Random Thoughts to My Baby Girl

I am just under 32 weeks pregnant today, and as I write this, you're busy squirming around in my belly. I wonder if you're head-down yet, and getting ready to get out of your cozy home and into the real world. You still have several more weeks of cookin' to do, so don't try to head out too soon!

Earlier today, you had the hiccups. This was only the second time I noticed them, and for some reason, it brings me endless entertainment and delight to see my belly bouncing every other second. I just imagine you in there, hiccuping away...maybe with eyes open, checking out the scene. It makes me smile and feel a closeness to you that grows every day.

Daddy is getting really excited with the anticipation of meeting you! He talks to you all the time, and sometimes when you're asleep, his voice seems to wake you up. I can't wait to see how he will be with you, and I'm sure my love for him will only deepen as I watch a new aspect of his personality unfold.

We got to see a preview glimpse of you last weekend in a 3d/4d ultrasound. I think you have my nose and lips...and you had the cutest little chubby cheeks! We saw you yawn a couple times, and even saw you open your eyes! And what a sweet, sweet smile you have. We're in love!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Diagnosis: Placenta Previa

Well, I had another ultrasound yesterday (27 weeks), and my placenta is still covering the ole cervix. This means I am still officially diagnosed with placenta previa, and my doctor has put me on stricter orders than when we found it at 20 weeks. I'm on complete "pelvic rest", which means no sex, no vaginal exams, no exercise (not even walking around the neighborhood), no heavy lifting, or any other activity that is even remotely strenuous. Although I am not on bed rest, my ob has instructed me to work exclusively from home, which I cleared with my management yesterday.

During this extended period at home, I may get into blogging again just to keep me busy aside from the work stuff. I fear I may go stir crazy, but I know that I'm lucky to not be confined to a bed at this point.

So I need to watch out for bleeding, as the placenta could prematurely separate from the uterine lining as the cervix begins to dilate/thin. If it's just spotting, I can call the ob and go from there. But if it's heavier (like a period) then I am to go immediately to the hospital's birthing center and potentially have baby delivered early. And if the placenta has not moved by the next ultrasound (at 34 weeks), then I will have a scheduled c-section. At first I was disappointed about not having a vaginal delivery, but I actually had a dream the other night that I went into labor, and nothing was progressing with a vaginal delivery - so I started hoping for a c-section and was thrilled when the ob decided to go that route! So perhaps a prelude of things to come...

How am I taking this diagnosis? In stride, I think. When I first got diagnosed about this I was pretty concerned and anxious. I did way too much consultation with Dr. Google and started to work myself into quite the tizzy. Now, I feel much better since I am at least starting my third trimester, and every day that goes normally is another day of development for Kiwi. All I want is a healthy baby girl, so I'll do whatever it takes to further that goal.

As I was sitting in the waiting room before the ultrasound, Kiwi was so active! I was quite entertained just watching my belly jump as she went through her various kicks and jabs. And once the ultrasound was going on, the tech kept commenting on how wriggly she was. At the beginning of the appointment, her head was on the right side of my belly, and by the end - her head was on the other side! Another bit of good news is that her development is on track and everything checks out ok with her. Oh, I also had the tech re-validate that she is in fact a girl :) It doesn't hurt to confirm that before I start washing all the cute girlie clothes I've received!

In other pregnancy news, I failed my glucose screening test, so now I have to fast tonight and do the 3-hour version first thing tomorrow morning. Will have to find a good book to keep me company, and hopefully those results will be ok.

Finally, I am just thrilled at the good news that Nina received! Drop on by her blog to catch up.

If anyone has experience with placenta previa or the glucose blood tests, I'd love to hear about it.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Don't Know Whether to Laugh or Cry

I am so pissed/upset/frustrated right now. Before I get to the juicy stuff, let me provide some background...

My MIL and FIL just left after having visited for 1 week. It went fairly well, but my usual limit with the inlaws is about 4 days till I get really anxious and annoyed around them. The problem, as you may have mused, is primarily with my MIL. She's very different than the mother I grew up with, and for lack of a better descriptor, she MOTHERS the hell out of you! She essentially took over my home, and did all our laundry, all the cooking, and yes, even swept out our garage. The woman is a very high-energy individual, and although I'm very thankful that she did some of these things to help out the pregnant lady, it was just...a...bit...much. I'm 32 years old and have been taking care of myself just fine all these years, thank you very much. She has such different standards to how a house should be kept that she probably marveled at how DH and I manage to get by. But whatever, I was able to cope. And now they are gone, so I am decompressing from the visit.

Friday, we had our monthly checkup with the OB. He said that the 20-week u/s showed placenta previa, where the placenta blocks the opening of the cervix. This I already knew, based on the news we'd gotten at the actual u/s appointment. I've done a little bit of consulting with Dr. Google on this, and was reassured by the fact that 90% of all previas diagnosed in the 2nd trimester resolved on their own as the uterus continues to grow. So I wasn't too worried about this, until our OB took a rather cautious tone and surprised us with his recommendations - no sex, no travel, limited exercise. Seriously?!?! WTF???

Apparently the primary concern with this condition is the danger of the placenta separating from the uterine wall, which would cause me to hemmorrage. Of course, this could be life-threatening to both mother and baby. Air travel does not increase the chances, but his concern was that if this were to hit me while I was in the air, I might not be able to get the proper medical attention soon enough. We have a scheduled trip coming up in a few weeks, so this was a real blow to us. We were intending to go see my husband's family, including a sick uncle who has been ill for some time. We haven't made our final decision, but right now we're leaning towards just hubby going on the trip, and me staying home.

Later that day, I do more research on the condition, and what I read was scary enough for me to stop reading. I had a minor breakdown with hubby, and confessed about how scared I was for baby and I. I just wish I could fast-forward to my u/s that is supposed to happen in 7 weeks to see whether this condition resolves itself or not. If it does not, it could mean stopping work early, and severely limiting activitiy to the point of bed rest. least everything is ok with baby, and I feel her moving on a daily basis now. She is my bundle of joy already and I haven't even met her yet.

So tonight, SIL calls. I don't remember if I've gotten into the topic that is she on my blog, but she is quite the handful. In a nutshell, she's a bit socially inept, and has quite a naive/abrasive personality to boot. Hubby can't stand that she doesn't take accountability for her actions, and MIL constantly defends her and tells everyone how much better she's gotten. From my perspective, she's a spoiled brat who should be dealt with more honestly when it comes to family communications. But this would mean dipping my toes too far into the politics of DH's family, and I just don't have the energy or desire to do so at this point in my life, if ever.

First of all, I didn't feel like talking to her, so I moaned to myself when I heard hubby offer me up to her. I had emailed a bunch of pics from the 20 week u/s, and she launches into the conversation with, "I see your baby has a cyst in her brain, too". WTF???? She goes on to explain that her first baby had one detected in her u/s, and that they had to check other stuff to make sure he would not be mentally affected. It turns out he was ok, though, but they'll watch for it with her 2nd baby. I told her that my doctor had never mentioned this with my baby, but SIL was quite sure she saw it on the u/s I sent her (like she's an expert), but reassured me that the OB "probably didn't say anything to us because he didn't want us to worry".

At this point I'm about ready to grab her neck through the phone and strangle her. I shifted the conversation, and told her we still needed to figure out our travel plans. She and her husband are going on this trip as well, and she made light of my diagnosis and said she didn't think I needed to worry about traveling. I think she said something along the lines of, "It's not like you're going to be running laps around the plane or anything." I reminded her about my doctor's orders NOT to travel, but she continued on. I just cut her off and said, we still need to figure things out.

I got off the phone with her quickly at that point, and shared the conversation with my husband. I wondered aloud if she was just trying to be a manipulative b*tch or whether she truly was as clueless as someone in that position would have to be. I've been pretty upset the rest of the night, and am upset now because I let her get to me so much.

I think I just need to decompress from the inlaws for a good while, and not talk to them anytime soon. My family is so much more laid back, and I am so thankful for the support I receive from them. One of these days, though...I may just have to blow up at MIL or SIL. Thus far, it hasn't happened, but I do quite amuse myself playing various scenarios through my head.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Mama's Intuition

I had my ultrasound on Monday, and it was so neat! The actual appointment took longer than I expected, around 45 minutes total. The ultrasound lady had all types of things she had to check for, like measurements of the skull, brain, femur, waist and various checks on the heart, face, and spine. She was very cool, and patiently explained what she was looking for to hubby and I. At one point she even took a picture of one of Kiwi's feet - when I asked her if she needed a measurement on that as well she said, "No, I'm just taking a picture of it for you 'cause it's cute..." How cool is that??

Everything checked out, and appeared normal. Kiwi weighs 12 ounces (my husband excitedly observed that she weighed the same as a can of beer - men and their observations), and was quite active during the appointment. It was so cute to see her little arms and hands and legs and feet moving about. At one point, we saw the perfect mug shot of her little face fill the screen, but the lady couldn't get a picture of it quick enough. Bummer!

My placenta did look a bit low, but didn't appear to be covering the cervix. I'll probably have to go back for another u/s, maybe in about 10 weeks. I see my OB next week and will get the details from him then.

My dream/intuition of Kiwi being a girl was right! I mentioned to the lady about the dream I had about her early in my first trimester, and she said that in her experience with patients and such, that those dreams are usually right about 80% of the time. I know lots of ladies who've either dreamed the correct gender or "just had a feeling" and were right. It's neat to think that somehow our bodies just know, to the extent that our minds are consciously aware too.

Here's the best pic I got of her yesterday, a cute little profile. Isn't my baby girl a cutie?!

Friday, April 06, 2007

Quick Update and Congrats!

Wonderful news today - Vee is pregnant! For those of you interested in popping by and providing your congrats, her blog is at I'm so excited for her - another successful IF to pregnancy story!

Some folks that could use some support are Beagle (pwp site) and Nina at

As for me, things continue to progress nicely with the pregnancy. I feel movement pretty regularly now, and Kiwi seems to be most active at night after dinner. We have our 20-week ultrasound on Monday, and I CAN'T WAIT to find out whether Kiwi is a girl (like I've been thinking) or a boy (which will just crack me up to no end since I've been calling Kiwi a girl this whole time). I need to call the OB today to see if my triple marker blood test yielded any troubling results. This is where they test for down's, spina bifida, stuff like that. But apparently it has a high false positive test. It's been 2 weeks since I gave blood for the test so I'm thinking that no news is good news. But since this is such a key test I want to call them just to be sure...

I'm definitely showing and am amused at how nice people are to pregnant women. It just seems to lift them up and bring a smile to their faces, which in turn, makes me feel all good and happy inside :)

Once we find out the sex of the baby, all systems will be go in terms of nursery plans, etc. I've been holding out on buying anything until I find out, but that day is hopefully drawing near!

Hope everyone is doing well!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

On Hiatus

I have decided to cease blogging. I'm sure this will only be temporary, but it just feels like the right thing to do right now. I will visit your blogs and comment when I can, but the frequency will likely decrease.

In the meantime, good luck to everyone who is still trying, and to all of you who are pregnant. I promise to post an update if anything significant occurs, or when I deliver Kiwi (whichever comes first)!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Snap, Crackle, Pop!

With the arrival of my 2nd trimester have come some interesting developments.

The Good News
Morning sickness seems to have disappeared, and I'm not as tired as I used to be. Whereas in my worst days, I would wake up, eat breakfast, and go back to bed - I don't need to do that anymore! I can still nap with the best of 'em when I get a chance, but this is more out of luxury than necessity.

The Other News
My skin continues to break out worse than when I was a teen. I seem to lack the pregnancy glow that everyone talks about. Oh well, you can't have it all. I am starting to show, and have converted to maternity clothes almost exclusively. I figure now that the news is out, I may as well be comfortable! And it's kind of neat to see just how nice people are to pregnant women. Enjoy it while it lasts, that's what I say. And finally, for the latest phenomenon...there must be a lot of movement and expansion going on in my pelvic area, because many times when I get up from a sitting or laying position, any number of bones either snap, crackle, or pop! It's like the sound of someone cracking their knuckles, except it's my hip, pelvic area, or lower spine. It doesn't hurt at all, but just throws me off my game a bit and makes me feel like I'm falling apart :) Hubby just laughs at it all, as he seems to do often these days.

On the work front, I took the plunge and approached a senior manager about my interest in joining his organization. It's the same overall organization I spoke about in my previous post, but he is the head honcho of it instead of the one position I was talking about that is a couple levels below him. He is actually very interested in talking to me further, and we have a meeting scheduled for next Monday. I'm excited! I need to work on my resume this week and make sure I'm ready for our conversation. That's what I'll try to do this weekend amidst the beautiful spring weather we're supposed to have. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Now that I'm pregnant, my life has taken on a different perspective when it comes to work. My husband and I are both professionals in the tech industry, and have carved out pretty successful careers for ourselves. I myself am a manager, and have worked my way up to this level over the last few years. I get a pretty good paycheck, and DH and I have created a comfortable life for ourselves in terms of our home and the other various items we can afford to splurge on based on a decent amount of disposable income.

I try to picture what it will be like when Kiwi arrives. Will I want to work anymore, or will I have the unending desire to be a stay-at-home Mom? Most of the Moms in our neighborhood stay home, and I have heard through the neighborhood grapevine (not that I partake much in that sort of thing) that the general view of these women towards working mothers is not a good one. Not that this would make or break the decision for me; it's just an interesting side note.

My husband is against me being a stay at home Mom, because he thinks I can do both. He tends to look at things more pragmatically when it comes to this issue. He figures we have both paid due diligence in our careers, so why should I give mine up and the lifestyle that we have come to enjoy as a result? Don't get me wrong, he is not a materialistic shmuck like this may make him appear...but I think that he has witnessed his own mother and my sisters doing the same thing and he and their kids have turned out fine. He has also witnessed stay at home moms that tend to lose a bit of themselves in their kids, and when it's time to go back to work - they don't have the confidence and/or tools needed to stick their toes back in the water.

Knowing myself as I do, I don't think I'm suited to be a stay-at-home mom indefinitely. Right now I am planning to take 5-6 months off for maternity leave, but I think I'll be ready to go back when the time is up. But who the heck knows how I'll feel until I'm really in that situation?

So the current dilemma is this - there are some job openings in my company that would allow me to go back to being an individual contributor (read this as a non-manager) and still take home the same pay. I would have less responsibility, and arguably a lower-pressure job as a result. I would also have more opportunity to work from home, allowing me flexibility with the baby's schedule. Although this would be somewhat of a "step down" in terms of my job level, I think this could be a good way to balance the demands of motherhood and career, but not try to be a superwoman amidst it all. I have a week to consider the job openings before I have to decide whether to apply or not. I happen to know one of the hiring managers, and she told me she'd start heavily weeding out candidates next week, and to let her know if I do apply so she can look for my application. So it seems like I might have a foot in the door for that particular opportunity.

My husband is out of town this week, so I'm trying to gather my thoughts so we can discuss more fully this weekend. I guess in the meantime I should update my resume since it won't hurt to have it updated even if I decide not to apply.

I wish I didn't have to worry about all this very adult type of crap, and could just kick back, enjoy my pregnancy, and dream about babies :) But that is not how the cookie crumbles, eh?

Friday, February 23, 2007

Meeting the OB/GYN

I had my first real appointment with the new OB today. He was really nice, and DH and I liked him a lot. I call this my first real appointment since the one last week was with that nursing student, and we didn't do anything in the way of exams.

Today, we discussed medical history, did a pap smear and breast exam, felt the uterus (it is growing right on track), and heard the heartbeat! It was different hearing the heartbeat on a doppler machine versus a transvaginal ultrasound, but still a wonderful sound to hear all the same. It strikes me as a bit passive/odd that this is all we need to do to verify the pregnancy is ok and on track. I would feel a lot better if I could see Kiwi every time, but alas, that is not the fate of how they treat a standard pregnancy...sigh.

Doc did send me home with a lab slip to schedule my 20 week u/s, and I did that when I got home. That'll be the one where we can hopefully confirm that my Kiwi is a girl :) It'll be funny if she turns out to be a he, because I've had it so firmly in my mind that she is in fact a girl...

So I am a happy camper. I'm out of the first trimester and have heard the heartbeat. I've started to tell more people at work. I told my boss last week, and this week I started to tell my team (I am a manager) and some of my peers. It's all good; they have been very supportive. There are a couple of people on my team who do not have children, and not knowing the reasons for this, I was really, really hoping that I was not hurting them when I told them of my news. IF really ups your sensitivity meter, but I think in a good way.

DH and I had lunch with that couple that's been going through IF treatments. They both have IF issues, but she has endometriosis on top of it all. I really never knew much about this condition, but it sounds like it really sucks. Essentially it's uterine-like tissue that can grow outside of your uterus, like in your fallopian tubes and even into your organs and brain. It's a huge cause for IF. So she's about to start on her first IVF cycle in a few weeks, and is also coupling it with acupuncture treatments. It turns out we've been going to the same fertility office, so it was interesting to compare notes about the type of treatment (both good and bad) that both of us received there. I really feel for them and wish them the best.

I think I'm starting to turn the corner into the "feel good" trimester. I'm not as tired as I used to be, and don't usually need to nap during the day anymore. I still have queasiness, and fought some off this morning with my standard piece of ginger candy. What's killing me is my heightened gag reflex when I brush my teeth. That's been with my for some time, and last weekend I actually vomited from it. Ugh. Needless to say, I am a bit gun-shy now when I brush, not wanting to get to that point of surprise pukage. Still have heartburn sometimes, and let me tell you -either I am starting to show, or I have a hell of a constant bloat going on. My stomach protrudes now, and I'm wearing the kind of maternity pants that are good for the early stages of pregnancy - the ones without the big pouch. Man, do I love those pants! There is so much give and stretch...I could wear these suckers even when I'm not pregnant! Hah! My face is finally starting to clear up, as I've had pimples constantly since becoming pregnant like I haven't had since I was a teen - and even worse than then! That one has really sucked, because I generally had a pretty clear complexion pre-pregnancy, with a few pimples that would come the week before my period. Maybe that "glow" will come that everyone talks about :)

Well since it is lunchtime and I don't have any meetings for an hour, I'm going to go lie down. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Better Than Nothing

Well I went to the new ob/gyn last Friday, and met with a nursing student. Ugh. It's not like I'm not supportive of nursing students and the profession in general, what with the big nursing shortage. But I was looking forward to meeting with the physician's assistant at the very least, so I wouldn't be met with a blank stare to some of my questions (...Nuchal translucency screening? That must be really new - I've never heard of it!) So there we went, filling out paperwork, she gave me a printout of my pregnancy dates, and key dates that I would have certain tests done. Fine. But when we got to the questions stage, she really wasn't too helpful. So I left the appointment feeling a bit unsatisfied, and stopped at the lab to give many tubes of blood for the tests they needed to run.

The nursing student did make another appointment for me with the actual doctor, and I'll be seeing him this Friday. She thinks he may do another u/s since I got pregnant via DIUI. I hope so, it will be good to see Kiwi again just to make sure everything is ok. I asked her if I should wait for this appointment before announcing the news to my boss, etc., and she didn't think that was necessary. As long as I have seen the baby and heard the heartbeat in the past, that seemed to be the key. So I told my boss the news last week, and she was very excited, etc.

So I guess that news is better than nothing, huh?

In other PG-related news, I bought a pretty journal yesterday with a green cover with flowers and butterflies on it. This is going to be my journal to Kiwi during my pregnancy. I wrote in it today for the first time, and it was neat to be "talking" to her in this way, and connecting with her. I want to document what I went through, the thoughts that were swirling in my head, and other general stuff so I can give it to her when she is old enough to understand it all. I think it'll be pretty neat.

DH and I were in the mall yesterday, and I allowed myself to go into the P0ttery B@rn B@by store. It was very cool. Everything was so precious, and I got to check out some of the cribs I've been eyeing. The lady at the store was very sweet and helpful, and being surrounded by all the pastel blues and pinks...I felt like everything was going to be ok.

Better get back to work now - took a little break since it's been awhile since my last post. Hope everyone is well.

Monday, February 12, 2007

@bducted by @liens!

I have been having the most vivid dreams lately! In one, I was back in my college days, dating some random boy. We feel asleep/were late to see my father, and he was so upset at my date that he shot him! My screams of "Why?!...why?!" in my dream actually came out as a garbled scream that DH could barely understand - and woke both of us up! And yes, in another dream - I was abducted by @liens. There were a handful of other people who had been abducted as well, but luckily when the UFO crashed on earth, the @liens took pity on us and released us back to our families. And finally, I dreamt that I had a m/c, and this was the most heartbreaking dream of all.

I will be twelve weeks on Thursday, and have my first appointment with the ob/gyn Friday. I have been waiting for this appointment to confirm that all is well before announcing my news broadly to people at work. Not that I have any reason to doubt that all is NOT well - I just need that extra piece of mind that comes with finishing out the first trimester.

Yes, I am still more sensitive about this topic because of the m/c I experienced last year, and I've been counting the weeks until I could exhale a sigh of relief and start working on the baby room and other things of the sort. Because I haven't wanted to jinx myself by just assuming all was going to work out. I didn't want to get my baby room plans in motion and then have to be devastated by another PG that didn't work out. So this is a big week for me! And it's only Monday, dang it. I have to wait 4 more days until I can have that peace of mind. What will I do with myself until then?

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Are Your Pets Acting Wacky Around You?

A friend of mine who knows that I'm pregnant recently asked if I noticed any changes in my dog. I stared at her quizzically, and she told me that she's heard of dogs sensing pregnancy and acting differently as a result. She thought she read something about them being able to hear the baby's heartbeat, and that's how they knew. My curiosity was piqued, so I did some research on the net. I found an interesting article, which follows. The only problem is that my dog is already so clingy as it is, I'm not sure if I would notice a difference unless he really stepped it up several notches. It's a cute notion all the same, and I'll be sure to be aware of his behavior. One different thing he did the other night - I was sitting on the floor with him, rubbing his belly. Then I stopped petting him to watch whatever was on TV. Every few seconds, he would softly wag his tail a few times, then stop. He never wags his tail unless specifically prompted to do so (by direct attention). Who knows - maybe he was happy to hear Kiwi! :)

Sensing Pregnancy: Pregnancy and Your Pet*
If you’re a pet owner, then you may have noticed your cat or dog acting a bit strange since you got pregnant. Perhaps you paid little attention to the changes or maybe you wondered if they could be related to your pregnancy. Well, if you were thinking the latter, then you would be correct!

Pregnant Belly Syndrome?
Pets seem to have an innate intuition when it comes to important events. An animals ability to sense changes in the weather, earthquakes and even volcano eruptions well before humans has long fascinated many. It has also been found that some dogs can detect certain cancers in humans as well as alert a person that they are about to have a seizure or even a heart attack. With such amazing abilities, it should really comes as no surprise that pets can know you’re pregnant before you even think about taking a pregnancy test.

Pregnancy, Your Dog, and that Sixth Sense
While there is no scientific proof that explains precisely why dogs, or any other animal for that matter, can pick up on pregnancy, there is a lot of anecdotal evidence. Just take a look at what the women in our Reader’s Write section have to say about their pets during pregnancy.

Although your dog may not actually understand that you are pregnant, they do notice any changes in your behavior, posture, routine and emotions. These changes may be so minor that you don’t even notice them yourself. But dogs are very much in tune with such differences and will pick up on them right away.

It has also been suggested that dogs may be so sensitive to pregnancy because of the variations in hormones and pheromones in pregnant women. Dogs have an amazing sense of smell that is vastly superior to humans. In fact, their ability to smell is one million times better than humans; when stretched out, their smelling receivers can cover an area of 130m2. In humans, our smelling receptors will only cover 3m2. This is why, before the pregnancy symptoms kick in, before the pregnancy tests are taken, your dog might start to act a bit…different.

Dogs Behaving…Good?
Just how your dog will react to your pregnancy will vary according to your pet. Many women report that their once husband-loving pet has now abandoned that man for her and her pregnant belly. Often becoming more clingy and protective, dogs have been known to stay directly beside mom’s side, even waiting outside the shut bathroom door or next to the tub while you bathe and sleeping beside your bed every night, for the full nine months.

Other dogs may be more vocal in their protection, barking or growling at anyone who approaches the pregnant woman, sometimes even physically blocking people from the mom-to-be. And if your dog starts to take more notice of your belly, nosing it, smelling it or even trying to sit on it, don’t be surprised. She knows that’s where the change is.

While this extreme affection can be endearing (and likely a bit annoying at times), it can also go the other way. Some dogs may react to the pregnancy by becoming aloof and wanting nothing to do with you. They could become stressed and exhibit anxiety, such as pacing and excessive licking. Worse still, they may start to act up by relieving themselves indoors. If your dog’s behavior becomes particularly troublesome, make an appointment with the vet.

Your Cat Can be Loving
Cats have a bit of a bad rap. Not only can they carry toxoplasmosis, an infection that can be dangerous for pregnant women, they are also known for being standoffish, independent and often unaffectionate. Yet, as any cat owner can tell you, cats can be extremely loving and loyal to their owners. During pregnancy, this affection may become even more apparent.

Many cat owners have noted their cats behaving undeniably friendly once those early signs of pregnancy start to appear. Following you around, sleeping with you or even on you, insisting on sitting on your lap and even cuddling and licking your belly (maybe baby needs some grooming?) are all normal for behavior for cats when you’re pregnant.

However, like dogs, your cat can also turn their tail on you during your pregnancy. They might keep their distance from you, become fussy if you try to handle them or act out by not using their litter box (and that cat urine is not a pretty smell once it leaves the box). If you have more than one cat, you may even notice that one cat becomes more affectionate while the other wants nothing to do with you. Again, if you cat’s behavior becomes too severe, make an appointment with your vet.

Not Just the Indoor Pets
It isn’t just cats and dogs that take on a new personality when you’re pregnant, all animals may react differently to you. Or at least those that you have regular contact with (so don’t worry about squirrels wanting to crawl onto your lap). Women who live or work on farms have reported that their barnyard animals tend to follow them a bit more closely when they are out with them. In particular, horses seem to have a thing for following around pregnant women and nuzzling pregnant bellies. Looks like humans aren’t the only one that can’t resist touching a pregnant belly!

*Article copied from

Monday, January 22, 2007

Graduation Day

I had my 8-week follow-up with the RE on Monday, and everything checked out wonderfully. Kiwi is 2 centimeters now - she has quadrupled in size from 2 weeks ago! And her heartbeat clocked in at 160 bpm. In this ultrasound pic, she is facing down, and that little circle above her body is her yolk sac that should disappear soon. Amazing!

I am to continue on the progesterone suppositories for another week and a half (will be 10 weeks), and the low-dose aspirin until week 12. Sigh...I thought I was done with those dang suppositories. Oh well, not much longer to go!

So I have "graduated" from the RE's office, and they'll be sending my medical records to my ob/gyn tomorrow. It was a strange feeling walking out of that office for the last time. It was a little sad, in a way. On the drive into the office, we drove by a friend who was leaving there. He and his wife have been battling a myriad of IF issues for several years. It has started to take a toll on their relationship even. They want to meet us for dinner, and DH and I have been struggling with the whole do we tell them or not dilemma. So I think I was sad for what they're going through, what we've been through, and what all of you have gone through or are currently facing. IF sucks, period.

Hope you enjoy the pic!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Is it Too Soon?

So something has been bothering me for awhile now, even before I got knocked up. This last DIUI cycle has left me with only 1 more vial of donor sperm. DH and I had discussed switching donors if this last cycle didn't take, because we know someone who had 8 DIUs with no luck, had to switch for the last cycle because there was no more sperm from donor #1, and bam! She got pregnant.

Our situation is a little different because we are pregnant, and also want another child at a future date. So I'm starting to feel a little anxious. Should I purchase more sperm from the sperm bank, or wait? We are still trying to get a handle on our finances and I am STILL waiting on a reimbursement check for the original sperm purchase from my insurance company that I now hate. We also have a separate big expense coming up that will set us back, so I just don't know if the timing is optimal right now.

Ok, I know it's all about timing when it comes to this TTC business! So should I just suck it up, buy the goods, and have them on deck at the RE's office for when we're ready to try again? Or should I hold off?

I haven't broached this topic with DH yet as he is still getting used to this whole pregnancy business. Don't get me wrong - he is thrilled, excited, and all that other good stuff. But he's a total baby rookie, and it was half-amusing and half-apalling the other night when we were talking about how much time I would take off of work when little Kiwi arrives. He had no idea that women took many months off, and that the longer, the better. I delicately explained to him why it was important for mommy to be home with child, about young immune systems versus germ-filled daycare centers, etc. I could tell by the look on his face that it was a lot of information for him to process, so I didn't want to bring up our depleted donor sperm supply.

Maybe I'll check with the sperm bank to ensure this donor is not running low on supply.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I Want to Tell the World

Sorry it's been awhile since my last blog post; life has been happening all around and me, and sometimes I'm smack dab in the middle of it!

While I enjoy being an observer in life (one of my favorite hobbies is people-watching), and especially in my current tired and pregnant state, this has not been my fate as of late. There is a lot of crap going on at work, that - although I really don't care much about it, I can't ignore. So work has been keeping me busy, although it continues to be a challenge balancing enough rest when I need it with a busy work schedule. Can I take the rest of this trimester off as vacation??? That's what I thought.

I've been trying to eat better for little Kiwi, and finally mustered the energy to go to the market for groceries last week. As I was driving the whole mile to the market, I noticed the first pangs of hunger. Crap. I wonder if I can make it through my shopping list and then eat when I get home?? By the time I parked the car, I was shaking with hunger. Double crap! So I detoured to the sandwich shop next to the market and sat there eating a rather tasty italian sub (I guess I'm not supposed to eat deli meats, but one sandwich won't kill me - especially when it's a matter of raging-bitch-at-the-market-me or balanced-head-on-straight-at-the-market-me). I felt crappy the rest of the time that I shopped, but was comforted by all the healthy (and yes I tossed in some treats too) fare I was purchasing. My snacks now consist of yogurt, string cheese, cut carrots and celery, apple sauce, saltines, peanut butter, and pudding! This is a big improvement over what I was snacking on before to quench my hunger.

So the things that plagued me in my previous posts continue to be with me - intermittent nausea (I never know which meal will do it me), tiredness, major boob soreness (I'm almost never NOT wearing my sports bra), and sometimes insatiable and ever-present hunger. I'm probably forgetting some other stuff, but I'm not trying to complain here - just share my experiences. Ooh! One bit of good news is I get to stop the progesterone suppositories next week - yeah! While that hasn't been a super-huge deal, I won't miss 'em, either.

Now it comes to the matter of sharing my pregnancy news. I'm in a bit of a conundrum. Do I wait until the first trimester is done, then broadly communicate to friends, family, and the rest of the world, like work? I've already started to tell a small circle of family and friends, but am dying to share the news with everyone, even complete strangers, hah! What did you do? If not pregnant yet, what do you think you would do? I admit I am a bit gun-shy about telling folks because of the previous miscarriage, although I know that this pregnancy started off on a much more positive light than the one before. I'm currently at 8 weeks, and head into week 9 in just a couple of days - wow! I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

Monday, January 08, 2007

My 6-Week Checkup

I went in for my 6-week checkup today. I was somewhat nervous about it, having read about those infamous cases when a gal tests pregnant but the 6-week ultrasound shows an empty sac. I didn't even voice my fears to anyone for fear they would come true!

Luckily, we did not see an empty sac! We saw the most beautiful blob of a being, and could even see some movement! We heard the heartbeat, which clocked in at a perfect 120 bpm. It was so cool to actually see this little being (Kiwi) and know that it is growing inside my body. Hubby got to accompany me to this appointment, and it was awesome. He actually pushed off business travel so he wouldn't miss it, and I'm so thankful and appreciative that he was there.

We got a few photos from the ultrasound, and some info on "do's" and "don'ts" of pregnancy. The one surprising "don't" was not to swim in salt water? Hmm...wasn't planning a tropical vacation this year anyhow. We've had plenty of those.

I've had a grocery list made up for two days now that I just have not had the energy to go to the market for. Hubby has been working day and night, so he hasn't been an option either. I WILL get some healthy food in this house soon, for Kiwi's sake! RE also gave me the thumbs up for eating shellfish and peanuts. He had never heard of that theory, and echoed all your advice in terms of eating foods in moderation. I was a happy camper to hear the news, as my parents had just bought and cooked some dungeness crabs, and I've been looking forward to enjoying that. And I really wasn't thrilled at the prospect of eliminating peanuts from my diet since they're such a handy protein.

Well that's about all to update you on for now. In the meantime, I am enjoying this little milestone that was today's appointment, and smiling often :)

Thursday, January 04, 2007

It's Been a Tough Week Back at Work

First of all, thanks so much to all of you for your supportive and always fantastic advice. What a cool way to be able to bounce stuff off each other, eh? :)

As the title of this post states, it has been a tough week back in the office. Firstly, I took 2+ weeks off for the holidays, and it's always tough to get out of the typical vacation-going-to-sleep-late-and-waking-up-late mode to an earlier schedule. Also, work isn't particularly scintillating for me right now, either. I can't complain too much though - it pays the bills, and all in all, I have pretty cool coworkers and stuff like that. But nothing is going on right now that I'm very passionate about.

This has also been a tough week because I miss my hubby. We went from spending gads of quality time together and really bonding again to barely seeing each other. He's on this awful project at work that has amazingly piss-poor planning (if any), horrible leadership, and a do-what-it-takes-even-if-you-work-all-night attitude. Hmm, sorry about all the super-hyphenated phrasing tonight. It must be working for me.

And on top of all that, I'm still adjusting to my newly pregnant body and the fun that it brings. I was in a conference room with two other people yesterday, in the middle of a 1-hour presentation, when BAM! I started to feel really faint and was actually scared that I might pass out. You know when you get light-headed and start to get that out-of-body feeling, like you're starting to float? That was me. Once we hit the end of the speech (I endured this for about 10 minutes), I suggested a break, upon which I quickly shoveled down the rest of my lunch.

What's been surprising to me lately his how suddenly and severely hunger and/or faint spells will come. One minute I'm fine; the next minute I'm not. So the lesson here is I'm going to eat smaller meals/snacks more frequently to try to avoid these situations as much as possible.

The queasiness continues as well, and I was half-amused and half-petrified today when I was at a restaurant with co-workers for lunch today, and thought I might puke all over the table. On the one hand, it would've been quite funny and even memorable; on the other hand, it would've been quite apalling and embarrassing. I guess you can take your pick.

It's a good thing I called the RE's office today and discovered that my 6-week follow-up is not on Sunday as they originally told me, but is in fact scheduled for Monday. Sigh. The only reason I'm not too upset about this is because I caught the mistake in time, and the nurse who left the voicemail with the good news did leave a truly heartfelt message. So I'll let 'em slide on this one.

In other news - I'm supposed to go to Germany for work next month, and am trying to work with my husband's schedule to see if he can come out and meet me when I'm done with my 3-day meeting for some fun/vacation. We aren't exactly rolling in the dough after our holiday spending, but decided it would be a great opportunity that may not come around for a long time, especially with the bun in the oven. So I'm looking forward to that possibility! We may also go to Switzerland and Paris; we'll see.

TGIF! Almost.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Honey, Can You Get me a Bag?

Three main things have been at the forefront of my pregnancy experience thus far:

1) I'm tired a lot. I've been averaging one nap per day, and it makes me wonder how I'm going to swing that pattern when I go back to work tomorrow. I also get tired quickly, which is nice because I have a reason to baby myself and rest, but can be frustrating when I look around at all the things I want to get done around the house. I did manage to put away all the Christmas decorations today before I went down for a nap, so that's a good thing...

2) My boobs have been killing me. They feel very full and are sooooo tender, to the point where I haven't been sleeping well. Every time I'd turn onto my side, the sheer weight of my arm and/or comforter would wake me with a jolt of pain. I try to explain this phenomenon to DH, but he just kinda looks at me with an uncomprehending yet empathetic stare. My sister had a GREAT suggestion, and I purchased a sports bra on Saturday and have been wearing it (day and night) ever since. So the boob situation is stable for now.

3) Getting a lot of "morning sickness". Most of the time, I do not wake up feeling queasy. It occurs intermittently, and sometimes while I'm a passenger in the car. I often get it after a meal, but it usually passes fairly quickly. I've had a couple times when I was real close to vomiting, including tonight. DH and I were watching a fabulous documentary on migrating birds (it was much more exciting than it probably sounds), and after a bowl of ice cream, I thought for sure I was going to puke. After squirming in discomfort for 10-15 minutes, I asked hubby to go get me a bag. His eyes got big, and he popped up off that sofa so quick, it made me smile...I nibbled on some ginger candy that I bought a few days ago, which finally settled my stomach. So no up-chucking yet!

I go in for my 6-week checkup on Sunday!

Question - I'm hearing conflicting advice on this, and wanted to see if anyone else has some thoughts to add. My SIL said that if you or dad have allergies, that you should avoid eating peanuts and shellfish during pregnancy, because your baby will be more likely to be allergic to these foods. But I remember reading an article once that you should eat peanuts (I guess shellfish is out anyway due to high mercury content) to build the immunity for your baby, and that it would decrease the chances of baby having a peanut allergy. Any thoughts? I'm going to go check with Dr. Google now...