I don't know why, but I got bit by the holiday bug this weekend. I didn't go all out, since we won't even be in town for Christmas, but I did get decorations out and deck the halls a bit - while listening to Christmas music :) I got that familiar warm feeling inside that I usually get during the holidays. People are in a better mood, and more generous and thoughtful of others. It may sound cheesy, but the holiday spirit just makes me feel good.
I got 2 DIUIs this cycle, and the first one was pretty uncomfortable. Apparently I have this sharp curve in my cervix that made it hard for the RE to feed the catheter in (he showed me the curve on the ultrasound monitor - it was interesting to see), and he finally got it after catheter number three. I think it was the most bendy and small, diameter-wise. This is the warmest and friendliest RE in the office, but he doesn't really have the touch when it comes to performing a comfortable procedure. My assertion is that he's a guy, and they'll never know what it feels like to have a vagina, so can only come so close to finessing a speculum and catheter up the ole channel. But he did leave with a warm goodbye, bless him...
For the 2nd DIUI, I was instructed to come with a full bladder. Something about the bladder pushing/flattening out the cervix. It was the same RE, and it went much smoother this time. Hubby was with me too, so that was a plus.
So now we wait. Ironically enough, my fertility tracking software says I should expect my menses on, you guessed it - Christmas day! The good thing about this cycle is that I was in way better spirits leading up to the inseminations, as well as on the actual days themselves. Last cycle, I was enraged, volatile...you name it. Hubby and I were fighting a lot, and those hormones were really raging in me. We have *hopefully* learned to co-exist with these hormones in a harmonious manner!
In other holiday news, I've started on the Christmas cards, and am more than halfway done with my Christmas shopping. The small wrinkle in my holiday progress is that I'm out of town on business for the next few days, and will have to suspend these activities till I return. The upside of this is that once I return on Thursday, the week is practically over, then I'm on vacation for 2+ weeks! I'm really looking forward to this respite from work...I've never taken a vacation this long where I'll have so much time (1 week) to myself. I intend to take some quiet time reflecting on my life, and getting back in touch with my spirit. And playing lots of piano.
Hope everyone is well in blogland!
Showing posts with label DIUI #3. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DIUI #3. Show all posts
Monday, December 11, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Crazy Thoughts
I went to the RE's office today, and even though my POAS in the morning did not detect a positive surge, the sample I gave at the office did. The magic wand revealed 1 follicle per side, and of course the one on the right side is larger. The doc did mutter something about the right follicle being up and behind the uterus and potentially closer to my left and unblocked fallopian tube, but of course I was in a *duh* type of fog and didn't think to ask any clarifying questions. Do you all feel as dumb as I do when it's show time with the RE's? I think of soooo many questions after the fact, but nod obediently when I'm actually there...
So I got the HCG shot in the a**, and this time it was a bit painful! Whatever, the nurse said it might have been because the liquid was cold. Ok, so do ya think you could warm it up a little next time? You would not believe how much time I waste thinking about all the little process and operational improvements this office could institue to be more patient-friendly. But by the looks of it, I am not in a unique situation here.
I'm scheduled for a DIUI tomorrow morning. This is the first cycle I'll have gone it alone since DH is away on a business trip. He was really upset with me that I didn't tell him this was "the week", but to be honest - I wasn't really thinking about it all that much this cycle. He wanted to be with me during the procedures...if I get another DIUI on Friday then he'll be able to come along. Tomorrow, however, it's just me, the RE, the nurse, and the strange and almost somber lady that comes with "the goods" in tow.
Obviously, it would be wonderful to get a BFP this cycle. I'm hoping for it, but not counting on it. This is still only my third true time of TTC, what with the azoospermia that we didn't know about for all that time when we first started...man, how I wish I had made my husband get tested sooner!
I was wondering about the guy sitting across from me in the RE's office today, and tried not to be obvious about noticing his discomfort as he sat there alone, waiting for his name to be called. Hubby and I often exchange knowing glances when we see these guys there now, empathizing with them and hoping that they don't get the same news we did. In a twisted sort of way, it's comforting to see all the people that come in and out of that facility. We see people of all races and walks of life, and feel a little less alone in this plight.
So here is where my crazy thoughts come in - what if I am not destined to have children because God's plan is that I devote my life to something else? Do you ever think about those people that have done amazing things in life and noticed they have no children? Think Oprah, Mother Teresa, and all the women you've come across who have amazing lives sans the rug rats. I've often reflected on them and thought that having children would have altered their lives in unimaginable ways, and maybe even impeded their levels of success.
Since my brother died of lung cancer a couple years ago, I have often mulled over taking on this cause and doing for lung cancer what the Susan G. Komen foundation has done for breast cancer. I think that with the experience and business knowledge I have gained through my career that it would be really useful and leverageable to drum up a grass-roots campaign and/or nonprofit venture. People need to get more educated about lung cancer, and stop thinking about it as just a smoker's disease. My brother didn't smoke, and he died of it before he reached the age of 40. This is a disease that is tainted, because people think it is the person's fault for smoking. I've participated in some fundraisers for it, and contribute to several charities focused on cancer. But it doesn't feel like this is enough. I feel like I could make a major contribution and lend a strong voice to this cause. And maybe that's why I'm not getting pregnant. Is that crazy, or what?
Or perhaps I'm meant to focus more on my career, and continue to advance the corporate ladder? I'm a manager already, but maybe I could eventually become a director, and advance even further into the executive ranks. Shoot for the stars, and persevere over that proverbial glass ceiling!
But then I always come back to this overwhelming desire to be a mother, and to raise and nurture a child with the values that my husband and I share. To watch a little being become a toddler, child, teenager, and adult. And to have contributed more in life through this being than anything else I've ever done. And all this brings me back to square one. I really, really want to get pregnant. I'm very good with kids, and they genuinely like me. I'm the auntie who hangs out with my nieces and nephews and engages them in true conversations, beyond the usual comments about how big they've gotten, what grade they're in, and so on. I'm the aunt that feeds them, buys them cool gifts because I'm up on today's trends, and could handle my newest nephew (he's 4 months today) this past weekend with ease. This was the first time I got to meet him, and he took to me right away - and rewarded me with his sweet, sweet smiles, and even copped a feel on one of my boobs. His dad didn't know whether to reprimand him or give him a high-five :)
So here I continue with this third cycle, and these crazy thoughts continue to swirl in my head. I wonder what news Christmas will bring this year.
So I got the HCG shot in the a**, and this time it was a bit painful! Whatever, the nurse said it might have been because the liquid was cold. Ok, so do ya think you could warm it up a little next time? You would not believe how much time I waste thinking about all the little process and operational improvements this office could institue to be more patient-friendly. But by the looks of it, I am not in a unique situation here.
I'm scheduled for a DIUI tomorrow morning. This is the first cycle I'll have gone it alone since DH is away on a business trip. He was really upset with me that I didn't tell him this was "the week", but to be honest - I wasn't really thinking about it all that much this cycle. He wanted to be with me during the procedures...if I get another DIUI on Friday then he'll be able to come along. Tomorrow, however, it's just me, the RE, the nurse, and the strange and almost somber lady that comes with "the goods" in tow.
Obviously, it would be wonderful to get a BFP this cycle. I'm hoping for it, but not counting on it. This is still only my third true time of TTC, what with the azoospermia that we didn't know about for all that time when we first started...man, how I wish I had made my husband get tested sooner!
I was wondering about the guy sitting across from me in the RE's office today, and tried not to be obvious about noticing his discomfort as he sat there alone, waiting for his name to be called. Hubby and I often exchange knowing glances when we see these guys there now, empathizing with them and hoping that they don't get the same news we did. In a twisted sort of way, it's comforting to see all the people that come in and out of that facility. We see people of all races and walks of life, and feel a little less alone in this plight.
So here is where my crazy thoughts come in - what if I am not destined to have children because God's plan is that I devote my life to something else? Do you ever think about those people that have done amazing things in life and noticed they have no children? Think Oprah, Mother Teresa, and all the women you've come across who have amazing lives sans the rug rats. I've often reflected on them and thought that having children would have altered their lives in unimaginable ways, and maybe even impeded their levels of success.
Since my brother died of lung cancer a couple years ago, I have often mulled over taking on this cause and doing for lung cancer what the Susan G. Komen foundation has done for breast cancer. I think that with the experience and business knowledge I have gained through my career that it would be really useful and leverageable to drum up a grass-roots campaign and/or nonprofit venture. People need to get more educated about lung cancer, and stop thinking about it as just a smoker's disease. My brother didn't smoke, and he died of it before he reached the age of 40. This is a disease that is tainted, because people think it is the person's fault for smoking. I've participated in some fundraisers for it, and contribute to several charities focused on cancer. But it doesn't feel like this is enough. I feel like I could make a major contribution and lend a strong voice to this cause. And maybe that's why I'm not getting pregnant. Is that crazy, or what?
Or perhaps I'm meant to focus more on my career, and continue to advance the corporate ladder? I'm a manager already, but maybe I could eventually become a director, and advance even further into the executive ranks. Shoot for the stars, and persevere over that proverbial glass ceiling!
But then I always come back to this overwhelming desire to be a mother, and to raise and nurture a child with the values that my husband and I share. To watch a little being become a toddler, child, teenager, and adult. And to have contributed more in life through this being than anything else I've ever done. And all this brings me back to square one. I really, really want to get pregnant. I'm very good with kids, and they genuinely like me. I'm the auntie who hangs out with my nieces and nephews and engages them in true conversations, beyond the usual comments about how big they've gotten, what grade they're in, and so on. I'm the aunt that feeds them, buys them cool gifts because I'm up on today's trends, and could handle my newest nephew (he's 4 months today) this past weekend with ease. This was the first time I got to meet him, and he took to me right away - and rewarded me with his sweet, sweet smiles, and even copped a feel on one of my boobs. His dad didn't know whether to reprimand him or give him a high-five :)
So here I continue with this third cycle, and these crazy thoughts continue to swirl in my head. I wonder what news Christmas will bring this year.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
DIUI #3 and Other Holiday Ramblings
Yes, I'm on to DIUI #3. I'm doing the same drugs and everything, and am currently on cd8 and taking Estress 2x/day. So things are on track as far as TTC is concerned. It took me almost 2 full cycles to realize that all the hormones have made me quite the raging b*tch at times, and what a light bulb went off in my head when my husband sheepishly asked, "Can those drugs that you've been taking make you a little...moody?" Poor guy. We made a pact - I will try to be less moody and volatile and he will try to be sensitive to my challenges and not bait me so much. I think that's a good understanding to reach!
In other life news, I'm not feeling very holiday-ish this year. I suppose this is common for the fertility-challenged, but it's pretty bad. It's not like I'm being a total scrooge, but this is usually my favorite time of year when I would have busted out the holiday decorations already, and in a good year - would even have the lights hung on the house by now! I did have anticipation for the autumn season though, and those are the decorations that still dominate my home right now. Perhaps another reason I'm not into decorating is because I'm not hosting anyone for Christmas this year - we're traveling for both sides of the family. Will I even have the energy to get the tree out and decorate it? Only time will tell.
How are the rest of you feeling about the holidays? Have you started Christmas shopping yet, or are you one of those extremely annoying people that finishes their shopping by July of each year? Ok, you're only annoying because that is way too organized for even an anal person such as myself.
On a more positive note, I am starting to listen to Christmas music. But mainly only this Celtic Christmas album I bought at the end of last year, cause I'm sort of in a Celtic music phase right now. Not the full-blown Nat King Cole tunes or anything like that...although I am learning some classic Christmas songs on the piano. I've been really into piano lately, which is a nice de-stresser in my life. Played growing up, and was intermittent for the last 10 years or so. So it's nice to pick this up again. Better stop the rambling before it gets too out of control.
Hope everyone is feeling positive and optimistic this holiday season - when it gets tough just remember all the good things in your life that you are thankful for. Then take a deep breath...and s-m-i-l-e :)
In other life news, I'm not feeling very holiday-ish this year. I suppose this is common for the fertility-challenged, but it's pretty bad. It's not like I'm being a total scrooge, but this is usually my favorite time of year when I would have busted out the holiday decorations already, and in a good year - would even have the lights hung on the house by now! I did have anticipation for the autumn season though, and those are the decorations that still dominate my home right now. Perhaps another reason I'm not into decorating is because I'm not hosting anyone for Christmas this year - we're traveling for both sides of the family. Will I even have the energy to get the tree out and decorate it? Only time will tell.
How are the rest of you feeling about the holidays? Have you started Christmas shopping yet, or are you one of those extremely annoying people that finishes their shopping by July of each year? Ok, you're only annoying because that is way too organized for even an anal person such as myself.
On a more positive note, I am starting to listen to Christmas music. But mainly only this Celtic Christmas album I bought at the end of last year, cause I'm sort of in a Celtic music phase right now. Not the full-blown Nat King Cole tunes or anything like that...although I am learning some classic Christmas songs on the piano. I've been really into piano lately, which is a nice de-stresser in my life. Played growing up, and was intermittent for the last 10 years or so. So it's nice to pick this up again. Better stop the rambling before it gets too out of control.
Hope everyone is feeling positive and optimistic this holiday season - when it gets tough just remember all the good things in your life that you are thankful for. Then take a deep breath...and s-m-i-l-e :)
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