Thursday, November 30, 2006

DIUI #3 and Other Holiday Ramblings

Yes, I'm on to DIUI #3. I'm doing the same drugs and everything, and am currently on cd8 and taking Estress 2x/day. So things are on track as far as TTC is concerned. It took me almost 2 full cycles to realize that all the hormones have made me quite the raging b*tch at times, and what a light bulb went off in my head when my husband sheepishly asked, "Can those drugs that you've been taking make you a little...moody?" Poor guy. We made a pact - I will try to be less moody and volatile and he will try to be sensitive to my challenges and not bait me so much. I think that's a good understanding to reach!

In other life news, I'm not feeling very holiday-ish this year. I suppose this is common for the fertility-challenged, but it's pretty bad. It's not like I'm being a total scrooge, but this is usually my favorite time of year when I would have busted out the holiday decorations already, and in a good year - would even have the lights hung on the house by now! I did have anticipation for the autumn season though, and those are the decorations that still dominate my home right now. Perhaps another reason I'm not into decorating is because I'm not hosting anyone for Christmas this year - we're traveling for both sides of the family. Will I even have the energy to get the tree out and decorate it? Only time will tell.

How are the rest of you feeling about the holidays? Have you started Christmas shopping yet, or are you one of those extremely annoying people that finishes their shopping by July of each year? Ok, you're only annoying because that is way too organized for even an anal person such as myself.

On a more positive note, I am starting to listen to Christmas music. But mainly only this Celtic Christmas album I bought at the end of last year, cause I'm sort of in a Celtic music phase right now. Not the full-blown Nat King Cole tunes or anything like that...although I am learning some classic Christmas songs on the piano. I've been really into piano lately, which is a nice de-stresser in my life. Played growing up, and was intermittent for the last 10 years or so. So it's nice to pick this up again. Better stop the rambling before it gets too out of control.

Hope everyone is feeling positive and optimistic this holiday season - when it gets tough just remember all the good things in your life that you are thankful for. Then take a deep breath...and s-m-i-l-e :)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Not Pregant but Still no Period

Grr...I am currently at 20 dpo, and tested negative on my blood test taken on Monday. Still no period either. I'm ok that I'm not PG this cycle, I just wish it would act more normal and not make it appear that I might be PG. Stopped the progesterone suppositories and just waiting for AF again. Sigh...

Saturday, November 11, 2006

A Beautiful Post

I came across this post on James Boyce's blog today (, and thought I would share it with all of you:

A Small, But Perfect, Example Of Fearlessness
Courage comes in many sizes. But today, on her 4th birthday, I wanted to introduce you to a small but pure example of Arianna's definition of fearlessness - my daughter Phoebe.

To my daughter:

It's been two and a half years since we brought you into our family, and brought you half way around the world, and from the very moment we met you, you have amazed and blessed me.

On this page, you're surrounded by fearless women, which is why for your birthday, I wanted you here. Because many of these women here have conquered their fear when adults - I think you're the first one to be showcased here because when you conquered unimaginable fear, when you were barely eighteen months old, and not yet three feet tall.

I remember reading and re-reading your paperwork before we flew to China to meet you. "Found in a park," the translation of the police documents, stated, "one day old." One day old in America, you would be wrapped tight and warm and in a nice nursery in a hospital with round-the-clock care and doting parents, grandparents, friends and family, your every cry analyzed and noted.

But at just one day, you were already on your own. Someone smarter than me would know if a baby that young can feel fear, but lying in that park alone, you must have known something was wrong. You lived for eighteen months in orphanage and then, one day your life changed.

They told us you had never been in a car. In what must have been a complete blur to your little heart and eyes, you rode for four hours over Chinese country roads, saw your first hotel, rode your first elevator, and then what was going through your mind when they knocked on our door, and handed you to us.

I can still, and always will be able to close me eyes and see you there.

All your worldly possesions in a tiny purse, wearing your pink pajamas and socks but no shoes. Just a tender little soul, all alone, with everything and everyone they ever knew in life, gone forever in the time it takes for a hotel door to close.

Your body and face were pure fear, primal, and complete. You clawed at the door, and the wall, you screamed louder than any human may ever have.

But fearlessness isn't the absence of fear, it's the abilty to overcome your fears. And you did.

We spent our first night together as a family, you never closed your eyes. We had our first meal, our first trip to the park, our first everything.

I once actually had a woman tell me "you were so brave to go to China and adopt a girl." That's laughable. Imagine, someone calling me brave for flying in business class as an adult with my family, knowing where I was going and what was happening - no, I wasn't the brave one that day.

You flew home with us and didn't cry once, not from Hong Kong to Tokyo, not from Tokyo to Los Angeles, not from Los Angeles to Boston, not one peep. You faced your adventure, unable to speak with us, with the same strength you faced your first day on earth.

I remember when you tumbled in the airport in Los Angeles as we were changing planes. A full face plant in front of twenty people onto the concrete floor. You could hear the people gasp, waiting for your cries that never came. You just stood up, brushed yourself on and caught up with us. I realized that it was because no one would ever come when you cried at the orphange, so why bother. That realization still troubles me.

Now you proudly ask people where they are from, listen as they answer and then tell them you're from China. You love your brother and your mother and me. You explore the world and life with a sense of purpose and determination that we all love so much.

I'm not sure I will ever see pure fear like I did that day when we met you.

I know I never again will see such courage.

Happy Birthday Phoebe.

I love you.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

I Wonder Who Else is IF-Challenged

As hubby and I keep our fingers crossed that this is the cyle we get PG, I've been wondering who else is IF-challenged. We know many couples who have been married for some time and have no children, and always thought it was by choice. And while this may be the case, we now also wonder if they have strugged with infertility like we have been. Oh, how I wish I could take back all those times (pre-IF) that I would ask couples when they would have children - because I know how much it stings when people ask the same of us. Your sensitivity meter sure skyrockets when you're going through IF yourself, doesn't it? But when people throw those questions at me, although it may sting and be painful, I just keep repeating to myself something I heard Oprah say once, "When you know better, you do better..."

You may notice at the bottom of my blog that I have included a link to the RESOLVE web site. I am not currently a member, but am checking out the organization and mulling over whether I want to get more involved with them. In searching through their site, I came across this blurb:

"Infertility affects approximately 10% of the population. Since infertility strikes diverse groups-affecting people from all socioeconomic levels and cutting across all racial, ethnic and religious lines - chances are great that a friend, relative, neighbor or perhaps you are attempting to cope with the medical and emotional aspects of infertility."

This really made me take pause. Amd it made me wonder who else I may know who may be dealing with the same problem as hubby and I.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

A Sign of Things to Come?

Here's a quick summary of what's been happening this week:

Tuesday - Went in for ultrasound and I have 1 follicle per side. They were worried about whether we would proceed with IUI this cycle because the dominant follicle was on the right side (and my right tube is blocked).

Wednesday - Another ultrasound showed that the left follicle grew. I also tested positive on the OPK.

Today - Had an IUI. The sperm count was 19 million! I guess they usually look for 10 million or more. As I lay on the table after the IUI, listening to the kitchen timer - I tried to visualize what 19 million swimmers would look like. Another ultrasound revealed I haven't ovulated yet, so I'm back in tomorrow for another IUI.

Here's the amusing thing - I use a fertility tracking software that tracks your cycle, meds, and provides cycle forecasting based on your cycle history. As I entered in the latest events, I was surprised to see that the prediction for this cycle showed me pregnant on 11/20. This is the first time it's ever done this, even when I've had optimal timing in previous cycles. Maybe this is a positive sign of things to come!