Although I have been feeling signs of the impending miscarriage for a few days now (more cramping, pain in my upper thigh, back pain), it started today in a more obvious manner with the arrival of AF. It's not extremely heavy, but I have passed some tissue. And now the blood is bright red, not the brown spotting I've been having up to this point. I knew I would start today when I got all the pre-period symptoms that I usually get. That certain lower back pain, those certain cramps you get...those familiar pains were there, but at a multiple of maybe 3. Intense sugar cravings, too. It was painful for me to see the tissue on the toilet paper today. Lots of questions swirl through my mind..."Did you ever form into an embryo, or was your development stopped before it ever began? Why did this have to happen, God? I thought that you had finally blessed me like you have blessed everyone else in my family? I know I've had a great and blessed life, but why this additional challenge?"
It's life's great challenges that bring me closer to God. They also make me question, scream, moan, and weep. I have mixed emotions today. On the one hand, I'm glad that AF has begun, and anxiously wonder if my body will regulate soon - the next thing I know, I'll be embarking on IUI #2. On the other hand, I am sad. Don't really feel like talking to people about this, but blogging is different. It allows me to express my feelings in a targeted community that can relate to my experiences on such a deeper level. We have a shared pain, and our shared elations are that much sweeter because of it. I so look forward to sharing in some joy with you all in the future. And I hope to share in some of YOUR joy as well.
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3 comments:
I can't pretend to know what you are going through, I am just so sorry. It must be so hard to know it is over and not know why, these things that are unexplained sometimes are the most difficult to resolve within ourselves.
I would like to share with you this powerful montage one woman struggling with IF put together for her family and friends who could not understand the pain and heartache that goes along with IF and how it changes you forever, and when I watched it I had a much deeper understanding of the struggle and heartbreak, i am not sure if this is a good time to share it with you, i kind of went back and forth about it because of your recent loss, so if you are feeling too raw, please wait a while before you watch it? I certainly don't want to add to the hurt you are feeling.
http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html
I'm just so sorry for your loss.
I hope you get to try again very soon and that we can all celebrate good news with you.
For now, we share your pain. Thinking of you.
I'm sorry 1000 times. Infertility is so hard. I wish I could say something to make it better, but just know that there are others out here that can relate.
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