Back to Normal

I went in for another HCG test on Saturday, and I finally tested negative. So I guess that means my body processed the miscarriage fully on its own, and now I just wait for my period before I kick it into high gear again.

This has been a reflective day. Maybe it's the cloudy weather that's got me feeling a bit ho-hum. You all must be thinking I'm a bit bipolar, what with my last post proclaiming my utter happiness with life, and this one, that is on the gloomy side.

Let me explain why I'm sad. I have always been a great communicator when it comes to work, school, arguing with the sales clerk on why she should allow me to return an item, etc. You know, the easy stuff. But when it comes to emotions, I am NOT one to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I tend to bottle stuff up. My husbands says so. It's been a couple of weeks since the whole miscarriage started, and sometimes I just get down about it. And I don't want to sound like a broken record about it with my husband, so I just acknowledge that I'm sad and let myself experience the plethora of emotions. Then the logical side of me kicks in, and I tell myself that while this was sad, this was only my first DIUI, it's a good sign that I even got PG, etc., etc., etc.

And then I get upset because my DH hasn't picked up on the fact that I'm sad, and wonder how he can be so insensitive about this, because, excuse me - it needs to be about me right now. I know, it's totally unfair. He can't read my mind. But he has so much crap going on in his life right now, I just keep my mouth shut so that I don't add to it.

So then I go and listen to sad music, look at the gloomy day, and let myself be sad. Oh, and he went out of town on business again today, and won't be back till Friday. I'm away on business next week, and 2 weeks after that. Even though we have our weekends together, just knowing that all this time apart is coming up just sucks. Because even though I'm not being the best communicator about what I'm going through, just having his presence really does help. And now he's gone again.