I went to the RE's office today, and even though my POAS in the morning did not detect a positive surge, the sample I gave at the office did. The magic wand revealed 1 follicle per side, and of course the one on the right side is larger. The doc did mutter something about the right follicle being up and behind the uterus and potentially closer to my left and unblocked fallopian tube, but of course I was in a *duh* type of fog and didn't think to ask any clarifying questions. Do you all feel as dumb as I do when it's show time with the RE's? I think of soooo many questions after the fact, but nod obediently when I'm actually there...
So I got the HCG shot in the a**, and this time it was a bit painful! Whatever, the nurse said it might have been because the liquid was cold. Ok, so do ya think you could warm it up a little next time? You would not believe how much time I waste thinking about all the little process and operational improvements this office could institue to be more patient-friendly. But by the looks of it, I am not in a unique situation here.
I'm scheduled for a DIUI tomorrow morning. This is the first cycle I'll have gone it alone since DH is away on a business trip. He was really upset with me that I didn't tell him this was "the week", but to be honest - I wasn't really thinking about it all that much this cycle. He wanted to be with me during the procedures...if I get another DIUI on Friday then he'll be able to come along. Tomorrow, however, it's just me, the RE, the nurse, and the strange and almost somber lady that comes with "the goods" in tow.
Obviously, it would be wonderful to get a BFP this cycle. I'm hoping for it, but not counting on it. This is still only my third true time of TTC, what with the azoospermia that we didn't know about for all that time when we first started...man, how I wish I had made my husband get tested sooner!
I was wondering about the guy sitting across from me in the RE's office today, and tried not to be obvious about noticing his discomfort as he sat there alone, waiting for his name to be called. Hubby and I often exchange knowing glances when we see these guys there now, empathizing with them and hoping that they don't get the same news we did. In a twisted sort of way, it's comforting to see all the people that come in and out of that facility. We see people of all races and walks of life, and feel a little less alone in this plight.
So here is where my crazy thoughts come in - what if I am not destined to have children because God's plan is that I devote my life to something else? Do you ever think about those people that have done amazing things in life and noticed they have no children? Think Oprah, Mother Teresa, and all the women you've come across who have amazing lives sans the rug rats. I've often reflected on them and thought that having children would have altered their lives in unimaginable ways, and maybe even impeded their levels of success.
Since my brother died of lung cancer a couple years ago, I have often mulled over taking on this cause and doing for lung cancer what the Susan G. Komen foundation has done for breast cancer. I think that with the experience and business knowledge I have gained through my career that it would be really useful and leverageable to drum up a grass-roots campaign and/or nonprofit venture. People need to get more educated about lung cancer, and stop thinking about it as just a smoker's disease. My brother didn't smoke, and he died of it before he reached the age of 40. This is a disease that is tainted, because people think it is the person's fault for smoking. I've participated in some fundraisers for it, and contribute to several charities focused on cancer. But it doesn't feel like this is enough. I feel like I could make a major contribution and lend a strong voice to this cause. And maybe that's why I'm not getting pregnant. Is that crazy, or what?
Or perhaps I'm meant to focus more on my career, and continue to advance the corporate ladder? I'm a manager already, but maybe I could eventually become a director, and advance even further into the executive ranks. Shoot for the stars, and persevere over that proverbial glass ceiling!
But then I always come back to this overwhelming desire to be a mother, and to raise and nurture a child with the values that my husband and I share. To watch a little being become a toddler, child, teenager, and adult. And to have contributed more in life through this being than anything else I've ever done. And all this brings me back to square one. I really, really want to get pregnant. I'm very good with kids, and they genuinely like me. I'm the auntie who hangs out with my nieces and nephews and engages them in true conversations, beyond the usual comments about how big they've gotten, what grade they're in, and so on. I'm the aunt that feeds them, buys them cool gifts because I'm up on today's trends, and could handle my newest nephew (he's 4 months today) this past weekend with ease. This was the first time I got to meet him, and he took to me right away - and rewarded me with his sweet, sweet smiles, and even copped a feel on one of my boobs. His dad didn't know whether to reprimand him or give him a high-five :)
So here I continue with this third cycle, and these crazy thoughts continue to swirl in my head. I wonder what news Christmas will bring this year.
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4 comments:
I am sorry to hear about your brother, my mum is fighting lung cancer also. She never touched a cigarette in her life.
It sounds to me like you will be a great mum, good luck tomorrow.
Hoping Christmas brings you great news.
I am sure that your dIUI will go well. Hubby and I have gone through so many IUIs now (only the last one was dIUI) that it often happens that I have to go alone. That always sucks, but we manage. I'd prefer to have him there of course, but c'est la vie. You do what you have to.
To lose your brother in the fashion that you did must be heartbreaking. I lost my grandmother to lung cancer, and she never smoked either. So I hear what you're saying there.
And yes, like you I think about the amazing women in the world who did fantastic things sans little ones, but you know? Even though I admire and respect them immensely, I still want children. And I think that the driving nature of that need is what propels me to go forward and use a donor, or whatever we need to in order to have children in our lives. I know I could focus on a cause and contribute towards it, but right now, my "cause" of choice is overcoming infertility.
I wish you lots of sticky vibes for the dIUI. Keep us posted! *hugs*
Hello girlie,
First of all... much luck and love to you for IUI #3!
Second, no you do not sound crazy. But can I share something with you- just *my* personal philosophy of course... I truly believe that we choose the destiny of our lives. Not to say that we can control every factor, or "be anything we want to be" like we tell children.
Still, when I think about becoming a mother, I don't think about destiny. Are crack-addicted prostitutes destined to be mothers? I hope not.
I hope this doesn't sound like I'm discouraging you from the noble aspirations of making a difference in people's lives. That's a great thought to have- especially this time of year.
Hugs to you.
-D.
Wishing you lots of luck with #3.
I think your "crazy" thoughts are anything but. Infertility forces us to look at things others never bother to, like other ways to make life meaningful, and how badly do we really want to be parents, etc. It's all part of the process and I think you're handling it all like the strong woman you are!
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