Two Years Later

This post has been a long time coming. The thoughts I'm about to share have been swirling around in my head for quite some time, but they weren't ready to put on paper yet. I hadn't yet had enough of the experiences, felt enough of the emotions, witnessed what I have. But I feel like I'm at a point where I would like to share, and what better a circle than to share it with all of you, my blog buddies.

My husband and I found out about his azoospermia over two years ago. When we found out, we'd been TTC for over a year. We figured we should get some tests done, and I actually thought we'd find an issue on my side. While we did find that I had a blocked fallopian tube, everything else was a-ok.

I can still remember when my husband told me the news. There we were, standing in our master bathroom. I'd just come home, and walked into the room to see my husband hunched over his sink, shoulders looking so very defeated. I had no idea what was wrong, and the silence was killing me. Once he told me, I was speechless. How can you have no sperm? Nada? Zip? WTF??? What does this even mean?

We spent the next year dealing with our grief. After much research and doctor's visits, we had now faced the grim reality that we'd never have a biological child together. While I was all for the donor sperm route, hubby was less than thrilled about the idea. Because he didn't have a lot of experience with babies and children, it took him a long time to even agree to start a family. Now that we knew a child born from donor sperm would not be his to claim biologically, he had huge concerns that he'd be able to love such a child as his own. To him, it was different loving a child born out of DI than loving a child that was adopted. At least an adopted one had neither of our genes, and you could be completely open about it with very little social stigma.

Finally, he agreed to utilize donor sperm. He wanted the child to have my genes even though he couldn't contribute his own. But he still had some very real fears about his ability to love a child that wasn't biologically his. I didn't push him, but I knew he had these thoughts. We went to a counseling session before we started down the path, as the RE's office required it. The session did not help as much as I'd hoped, but at least we had a good dialogue about it all. So we continued down the path; him, nervously hoping for the best and fearing the worst, and me, just hoping for the best.

Then I got pregnant! He was truly happy for the news when we received it, I really believe that. Throughout my pregnancy, we'd have occasional talks about how he was feeling. And although he still had some anxiety and fear, he was in it to win it. And I continued to hope for the best.

Then, I had the baby. And she was absolutely beautiful. People commented on how much she looked like hubby, and we'd just smile at each other. And I continued to hope for the best, because I knew this was just the beginning, that my husband still had a lot to get past. And then a wonderful thing happened.

I'd had a scheduled c-section due to placenta previa, so had to leave much of the baby care in the hospital to hubby. I just focused on resting and learning how to breastfeed, and hubby did everything else. In a period of 3 days, he got countless lessons on diapering, swaddling, and soothing our baby girl. And a bond began to appear, right before my eyes. Then we brought her home, and it continued. My husband began to marvel at how beautiful she was, and would delight in his ability to soothe her like only he could.

Our baby is almost five months old now, and I can honestly say that she is the apple of my husband's eye. He absolutely swoons over her in an adorable, sheepish kind of way. Yet he is not embarrassed about it. As a matter of fact, he is the picture of the adoring father who can not have enough photos of his baby girl to show off to whomever will take the time to look.

We still get comments from people that she looks like him or like me. He takes it all in stride, and jokes that he's glad she looks so much like her mom. I think it'll always bother him to a certain extent that he does not have a biological connection; this I cannot deny. But what I can say with absolute certainty is that he loves our child with all his heart, more deeply than he could have ever imagined. All those questions of whether he'd be able to bond with her are questions no more. He would do anything for her, and she is daddy's little girl.

Two years later, many questions have been answered. And I'm so looking forward to seeing what comes next.