Motherhood is...

...so many things. I can now relate to stories about children in a whole new way. When I watch shows on TV and see children suffering/sick/[insert horrible condition here], my heart aches. I used to watch those stories and feel tip-of-the-iceberg empathy for the parents, but now I really feel pain as I imagine, "what if that was my daughter..." In such cases, motherhood is gut-wrenching.

Kiwi was particularly fussy yesterday, close to how she was in the early days when she was pretty dang near inconsolable. Rather than cry (which I did in the early days out of sheer frustration and panic), I got really frustrated...and even angry. Angry that my husband was at work and had the "easy" job. Angry that I couldn't figure out how to console her. And angry because I need a break from this little girl who looks like an absolute cherub when she wakes up in the morning with the most peaceful, pleasant, toothless grin I've ever laid eyes on. In these moments, motherhood is maddening.

The baby has been sleeping fairly well at night (usually the first stretch lasts 6 hours, and sometimes even 7 or 8), but is not the best napper. Her longest nap today was an hour, then she'd be happy for about 15 minutes, and take 45 minutes to put down for another short nap. She's almost slept for an hour now, and I'm hoping it lasts just a little longer so I can finish this post. I've been scouring the internet for articles on how to help babies nap longer/better, and my eyes hurt from all the reading. Will also ask the pediatrician for advice at her well-baby visit this week (wish us well, she's getting her first round of immunizations). So lately (ok, since Kiwi was born), motherhood has been an ongoing experience in education, trial and error, and experience. It pisses me off that so much of the "professional" advice out there is conflicting, but I guess every child is different, yada, yada, yada.

When I have these issues with the baby, my husband is helpful in his own way. He is a wonderful, doting father who loves this child more deeply than I had dared to hope. He (and consequently I) was worried about his ability to bond since we went the DI route, but has formed a lovely attachment to this little girl that makes my heart swell. He wears his heart on his sleeve for her, and tells her that she's "stolen daddy's heart". But oh, how I wish he could be more of a chick sometimes. When baby has issues, he's all over the place. He reads up on infant care and does have some clever gems once in a while. But he is just so typically male sometimes, it is infuriating, especially when I'm already taking on the majority of childcare and am still sleep-deprived. In times like these, motherhood feels isolating. My husband is my best friend, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. So it makes me feel alone.

Let's end this post on a positive note, shall we? My baby girl is going to be 3 months old next week, and I really do think she is one of the cutest babies I've ever seen. So without further ado (and I know this is way overdue, no pun intended), here she is:

*** PICTURE REMOVED ***

11/27/07: Sorry folks, paranoia has set in and I've decided to remove the picture. I don't want someone we know to stumble across it, and I also don't want to go password-protected. I've received quite a few emails from folks dealing with azoospermia, and my story has given them a bit of hope. So I want to keep this site public for them, and future people who may come across this blog. THANKS for the people who did comment on her picture - it meant a lot!