TTC - Round 2

Well, we're going for baby #2, except this time we're doing IVF. I only had 1 via of donor sperm left, and of course the donor is no longer active. So to have a higher chance of conceiving a true sibling for my girl, we decided that IVF was the way to go. I've been stimming at morning and at night, and am on the schedule for the egg retrieval this Wednesday. I have 8 follicles, and we're tentatively targeting Saturday for the eggs to be transferred back.

I hope everyone is doing well!!! Would love updates on how you've all been!

Hanging Up The Keyboard

For anyone who continues to check on my blog (I know my readership has steadily declined in direct proportion to the [in]frequency in which I've been posting), I've decided to stop this blog for now. I may post updates here and there, but the desire, and mostly the time, is no longer there for me to devote to this area of my life.

I'll continue to keep it online for newly crowned azoospermiacs who may decide to venture down the DI route, and would like a success story to reference. And will check email and reply to it as I'm able as well.

I'll continue to check in on my blog friends and keep up with how you're all doing. Perhaps I'll pick this up again if and when I decide to embark down this path again if we decide to go for baby #2.

Best wishes to all of my *virtual* friends!

It's Been Awhile

Wow, can't believe the last time I posted was in February.

I find myself having a rare moment of calm...hubby's off doing some fun stuff with buddies, baby K is having her afternoon nap (the dog must be off snoozing somewhere too), and the house...is...quiet.

Things have been pretty "normal" as of late. Work continues to be really busy, and I get tons of stuff dumped on me by my boss. I really can't complain, though. I generally have a true fondness for many of the people I work with (including said boss), the stuff that gets dumped on me is intellectually stimulating, and I take home a pretty good paycheck. Ditto with hubby's situation.

K continues to grow every day, and she changes by leaps and bounds.

She's almost eight months old now, and eating solids like a champ. She's on stage 2 foods, and I have begun the weaning process. I was hoping to nurse for a year, but I have officially given myself permission to let go of the guilt! My work schedule is nuts, and I often have back-to-back meetings from 8-5. It's hard enough to get away to grab any food, let alone run to the bathroom and pump. This juggling act was making me absolutely BATTY, so this week I went down to pumping just once per day, and next week I will not pump at all. This equates to sending formula to daycare along with the solids, and I'll continue to nurse in the morning/evening as long as it feels right or when my milk supply dimishes, whichever comes first. As soon as my husband and I discussed this and decided we'd start weaning, I felt this incredible weight lift off my shoulders. I have truly loved nursing my baby, and feeling the unique emotions that come from having the ability to feed and nourish her. But along with nursing comes an incredible amount of responsibility and work. Now that she's taking in a lot of food, her milk intake is decreasing as well. Considering all of the above, it just feels right, and I'm excited to reclaim my body and indulge in an occasional glass of wine again!

K is turning out to be quite the chatty patty. She's constantly practicing new sounds, and her voice is absolutely adorable. It seems like she's enjoying this new part of herself so much that she even mumbles in her sleep, almost like she's still practicing. We've taken many, many videos of her jabbering away, and it'll be so precious to show her these videos when she gets a little older. And I'm sure mom and dad will get a kick out of it, too.

We're about to spend a ton of money...we owe several thousand dollars to Uncle S@m this year (ugh), an unexpected expense came up that will also cost several thousand dollars, and we need to buy K 2 convertible car seats. She has finally outgrown her infant carrier, and I really do consider us lucky that she's lasted in it this long. But since hubby and I both have cars and take her to daycare, we need to buy 2 car seats, which will probably run us close to 700 smackeroos. Will probably go buy them today or tomorrow. On the upside, I've been wanting to graduate to this next step for awhile now, as the baby is getting really heavy carrying her in the infant carseat. And I haven't really seen more shapely biceps develop as a result ;)

Speaking of biceps, I'm finally starting to embark on a workout routine again. I never thought it'd take me this long post-delivery to get on a regular routine, but I also never knew how much busier our lives would become, especially juggling work and a family. But alas, that is the plight of all working families...I'm excited to get active and rediscover the joys of a fit and trim bod. I'm actually 10 pounds lighter than I was before I got pregnant, but my stomach pooches so much I still look about 4 months pregnant. I can hide it pretty well by wearing the right kinds of tops, but I'm sick of having the majority of my wardrobe not look good on me. I have purchased some new clothes so I wouldn't be completely depressed (you've gotta have SOME stuff that looks good on you), but I think it'll be a lot cheaper if I just re-sculpt my baby pooch...

We'll that's a pretty good summary of how life is these days. I'm gonna go browse some of your blogs now and comment where I can - my ability to hit up all blogs and comment will be a function of how long the baby sleeps ;) Hope everyone enjoys the Spring - it's always been such a season of hope and renewal for me; perhaps it is for you as well.

A Bit Worried

"I want it all...I want it all...I want it all...I want it now!" I don't know who sings that song, but the lyrics are running through my head as I fret at the latest development in my dIUI-driven life.

I don't know what made me do it, but I thought I'd check today on the availability of sperm from the donor we used to get pregnant with K. There I went back to the website, dutifully entering the donor number that has been forever etched into my memory. To my horror, I saw big, red, bold text that practically shouted the message at me - NO MORE VIALS AVAILABLE. CALL FOR MORE INFORMATION!! Crap, crap, crap...what the hell do we do now???

After I took a few moments to calm my heart-rate down, I phoned and spoke to a woman who ended up being pretty cool. Here's the deal: they actually have about 20 vials available, but they're in quarantine because the donor hasn't come in for his 3-month blood tests. He's been overdue since October 2007, and although they've tried to reach him, no dice so far. She reassured me that they'd call me as soon as this is resolved so I can purchase more vials. I plan on buying more as soon as I hear from them and will just pay the storage fee to keep them at my RE's office. I actually have 1 vial in storage with them already, as I purchased 6 vials from the first round of TTC and it took me 5 to get pregnant.

So I'm a bit worried about this whole situation. Although it's technically possible to get pregnant with the 1 vial, that is just way too much pressure and hope to put on 1 little vial of swimmers (and on me). Shit, this is freaking me out. Need to calm down. Don't call hubby, just inform him on this latest development in a calm and deliberate manner at an opportune moment in the next day or so. Lest he sees the sheer panic in my eyes.

One thing that I hope works in my favor is the human element. Before I hung up with the lady from the sperm bank, I thanked her for investigating all this for me, and ended the call with "...our daughter is absolutely beautiful, and although my husband was uneasy with utilizing donor sperm, he could not imagine his life without her now...we really want a second child who will be her true sibling..." I think the lady took pause, and I could hear her voice soften. Perhaps this will help her take that extra step to hunt down this donor and make him give some blood just to release the current inventory of vials. Even if he doesn't want to become an active donor again, I hope he's willing to take the time to get cleared and open up the supply on stuff he's already contributed. If only I could get to him myself, I'm sure I could craft a message that has the right balance of emotion, pleading, and charm that would give him the drive to just do this one thing...

Sigh...

In other news, K is 6 months old already! I report this with a certain degree of nostalgia, as I can not believe that she is halfway to the 1-year mark. My little girl has fascinated me in so many ways, and just charms the pants off everyone who meets her! My husband now proclaims that he would like another girl as he is so in love with the one we have been fortunate enough to be blessed with. She just makes him absolutely giddy and goofy at the same time, and the things he does for her...well, it just makes my heart melt.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while - life has been going at 100mph and it doesn't appear as if things will let up in the foreseeable future. In the meantime I will try to visit and comment on blogs today, but if I don't get to yours - I promise I will! You are all in my thoughts, as always...

Two Things - 1 Serious, 1 Not

Now that I'm back to work, I'm back to my old routine of listening to the radio while I get ready for my day. This is, of course, only on the days when hubby takes K to daycare and allows me to get in a full shower and primp. Those days are lovely...you'll never realize how prized showers are until you become a mother!

So anyway, there are a couple topics that have been discussed on the radio lately that I've been chewing on. One topic is serious, and the other is just fun. Let's start with the serious one.

I'm sure everyone has heard by now about Heath Ledger's death. I'm the type of gal who is so-so into celebrity news. I don't follow it religiously, but do enjoy thumbing through a Pe0ple magazine if I have a long flight and want some light entertainment. I was saddened about the news just as I'd be saddened to hear about anyone's death, and perhaps mildly more interested in this case because of his celebrity status. What stunned me was that people are actually planning on protesting at his funeral because of his portrayal of a gay man in Br0keb@ck M0ut@in. You can read an article about this here. WTF? Is this for real?? I'm not going to get into a long dissertation on how acinine this is, but seriously folks, get over it and leave it alone so his family and friends can properly honor and remember him. Enough said.

On a lighter note...another topic recently discussed on the radio is what has now been dubbed a "dream grudge". It's when someone you know wrongs you in your dream (your spouse cheats on you, your best friends lies to you, etc.), and you end up getting mad at them for it in real life! I thought this was flippin' hysterical because I've been known to hold a dream grudge against poor hubby for cheating on me - several times! Of course I know he didn't do it for real, so my grudge is completely unfair. But the dream seemed so REAL that my resulting hurt feelings are real as well. Makes me laugh again just thinking about it.

So to end a Friday post - what are your thoughts on either of the above topics?

Two Years Later

This post has been a long time coming. The thoughts I'm about to share have been swirling around in my head for quite some time, but they weren't ready to put on paper yet. I hadn't yet had enough of the experiences, felt enough of the emotions, witnessed what I have. But I feel like I'm at a point where I would like to share, and what better a circle than to share it with all of you, my blog buddies.

My husband and I found out about his azoospermia over two years ago. When we found out, we'd been TTC for over a year. We figured we should get some tests done, and I actually thought we'd find an issue on my side. While we did find that I had a blocked fallopian tube, everything else was a-ok.

I can still remember when my husband told me the news. There we were, standing in our master bathroom. I'd just come home, and walked into the room to see my husband hunched over his sink, shoulders looking so very defeated. I had no idea what was wrong, and the silence was killing me. Once he told me, I was speechless. How can you have no sperm? Nada? Zip? WTF??? What does this even mean?

We spent the next year dealing with our grief. After much research and doctor's visits, we had now faced the grim reality that we'd never have a biological child together. While I was all for the donor sperm route, hubby was less than thrilled about the idea. Because he didn't have a lot of experience with babies and children, it took him a long time to even agree to start a family. Now that we knew a child born from donor sperm would not be his to claim biologically, he had huge concerns that he'd be able to love such a child as his own. To him, it was different loving a child born out of DI than loving a child that was adopted. At least an adopted one had neither of our genes, and you could be completely open about it with very little social stigma.

Finally, he agreed to utilize donor sperm. He wanted the child to have my genes even though he couldn't contribute his own. But he still had some very real fears about his ability to love a child that wasn't biologically his. I didn't push him, but I knew he had these thoughts. We went to a counseling session before we started down the path, as the RE's office required it. The session did not help as much as I'd hoped, but at least we had a good dialogue about it all. So we continued down the path; him, nervously hoping for the best and fearing the worst, and me, just hoping for the best.

Then I got pregnant! He was truly happy for the news when we received it, I really believe that. Throughout my pregnancy, we'd have occasional talks about how he was feeling. And although he still had some anxiety and fear, he was in it to win it. And I continued to hope for the best.

Then, I had the baby. And she was absolutely beautiful. People commented on how much she looked like hubby, and we'd just smile at each other. And I continued to hope for the best, because I knew this was just the beginning, that my husband still had a lot to get past. And then a wonderful thing happened.

I'd had a scheduled c-section due to placenta previa, so had to leave much of the baby care in the hospital to hubby. I just focused on resting and learning how to breastfeed, and hubby did everything else. In a period of 3 days, he got countless lessons on diapering, swaddling, and soothing our baby girl. And a bond began to appear, right before my eyes. Then we brought her home, and it continued. My husband began to marvel at how beautiful she was, and would delight in his ability to soothe her like only he could.

Our baby is almost five months old now, and I can honestly say that she is the apple of my husband's eye. He absolutely swoons over her in an adorable, sheepish kind of way. Yet he is not embarrassed about it. As a matter of fact, he is the picture of the adoring father who can not have enough photos of his baby girl to show off to whomever will take the time to look.

We still get comments from people that she looks like him or like me. He takes it all in stride, and jokes that he's glad she looks so much like her mom. I think it'll always bother him to a certain extent that he does not have a biological connection; this I cannot deny. But what I can say with absolute certainty is that he loves our child with all his heart, more deeply than he could have ever imagined. All those questions of whether he'd be able to bond with her are questions no more. He would do anything for her, and she is daddy's little girl.

Two years later, many questions have been answered. And I'm so looking forward to seeing what comes next.

A New Year

Let me start off my first post of 2008 with some happy news - April at Life is Beautiful is the proud mommy of twins! And Nina at stella and/or ben is the proud mommy of a baby girl! Yeah!!!

Lots been going on with me. First off, the holidays were great. This was baby's first Christmas, and very special for us. Our families just ate her up, and were rewarded by all the smiles and chuckles she bestowed upon them.

I went back to work this week, and along with that came baby's introduction to daycare. I was actually ready to return to work and re-enter the adult world that isn't consumed by babies 100% of the time. I was feeling really confident in my dual decision to return to work and put K (I'll now refer to the baby as K from here on out) in daycare, right up until the night before. Hubby and I were getting her things together, labeling her clothes, getting bottles ready, etc....when it just hit me. Was I being a horrible Mom? Should I feel guilty that I wanted to go back to work? Was K going to be ok in daycare? Would she be able to take naps? She's a light sleeper at home, how would she do in this new, noisy environment? Would she take the bottle from them? She's been exclusively breastfed since birth, and has been very on-again, off-again with the bottle as of late. It doesn't help that she got her first cold last week, so the congestion made her REALLY upset at even the sight of the bottle. With all these thoughts swirling around in my head, I looked at her sweet, smiling face, and broke down. Through the sobs, my rock of a husband was wonderful, and talked me down, so to speak. He said all the comforting words I needed to hear, and we got over it and finished our preparations.

I had one more crying jag in the shower the next morning, when hubby brought K over to say hi to me through the shower doors. She just looked so warm and content in his loving arms, and I felt like I was sending her out into a cold, lonely world.

We all went to the daycare center together, and once I got there, I remembered how much I truly liked this center when we decided on it some months back. The center director greeted us at the reception desk and personally attended to all the little details to get us settled in. I was both grateful and impressed at this personal attention she gave us, especially since the office and the infant room was super-chaotic. She even called me at lunchtime (I was going to call for an update after lunch) just to let us know how wonderfully K was doing! She'd already taken a nap and a full bottle, woo hoo! Yesterday she slept even better, and continued to do well, taking all of her bottles. She really enjoyed the nursery rhymes, and laughed while they were singing. Ah, my baby K. She is just so cool.

So this week couldn't have gone much better than it has, really. I think 2008 is going to be a really good year.

A Moment to Exhale

My girl was wonderful today. She's getting easier to handle by the day, knock on wood. She's still a bit of an intermittent napper; some days she takes lovely, long naps, and other days they're quite short and infrequent (making for a cranky baby). However, she is a great sleeper at night. Usually goes down by 6pm, and tonight she put herself to sleep, precluded by a long and adorable session of babbling to the bears in her mobile and the mirror in her crib. So I actually have a moment to blog, research Christmas gifts, and exhale...

I'm in the last month of maternity leave, and I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I am really looking forward to going back to work. I crave the mental stimulation and social interaction with other adults. And let's be honest, people - I look forward to going back to a dual income. But on the other hand...as the above paragraph explained, my baby is starting to become a real joy as she matures and has seemingly out-grown her colicky stage. She'll be going to a wonderful daycare center, which I also have mixed feelings about. It has a wonderful curriculum and learning opportunities above-and-beyond your typical center, and I think the socialization benefits she'll gain will prepare her well for school. But I hate that someone else is raising her during the day. My current feeling is that this is the best route to go, as it will allow me to remain a well-rounded individual which will help make me the best mother and wife I can be.

So my current "thing" is getting ready for Christmas. We debated about putting up a tree this year, especially on the days that I was real exhausted from the baby. We decided to go for it this weekend, and I'm so glad we did. The tree is done, and looks so lovely. Of course the baby loves looking at the lights, and was a great audience while I decorated. She enjoyed sitting on the couch and watching me work...I didn't go all out on the holiday decor, but what I did do I am really pleased with. I'm just waiting for the holiday stockings to arrive in the mail, and it'll all be complete.

Well hubby just got home so I'm signing off for now...

Motherhood is...

...so many things. I can now relate to stories about children in a whole new way. When I watch shows on TV and see children suffering/sick/[insert horrible condition here], my heart aches. I used to watch those stories and feel tip-of-the-iceberg empathy for the parents, but now I really feel pain as I imagine, "what if that was my daughter..." In such cases, motherhood is gut-wrenching.

Kiwi was particularly fussy yesterday, close to how she was in the early days when she was pretty dang near inconsolable. Rather than cry (which I did in the early days out of sheer frustration and panic), I got really frustrated...and even angry. Angry that my husband was at work and had the "easy" job. Angry that I couldn't figure out how to console her. And angry because I need a break from this little girl who looks like an absolute cherub when she wakes up in the morning with the most peaceful, pleasant, toothless grin I've ever laid eyes on. In these moments, motherhood is maddening.

The baby has been sleeping fairly well at night (usually the first stretch lasts 6 hours, and sometimes even 7 or 8), but is not the best napper. Her longest nap today was an hour, then she'd be happy for about 15 minutes, and take 45 minutes to put down for another short nap. She's almost slept for an hour now, and I'm hoping it lasts just a little longer so I can finish this post. I've been scouring the internet for articles on how to help babies nap longer/better, and my eyes hurt from all the reading. Will also ask the pediatrician for advice at her well-baby visit this week (wish us well, she's getting her first round of immunizations). So lately (ok, since Kiwi was born), motherhood has been an ongoing experience in education, trial and error, and experience. It pisses me off that so much of the "professional" advice out there is conflicting, but I guess every child is different, yada, yada, yada.

When I have these issues with the baby, my husband is helpful in his own way. He is a wonderful, doting father who loves this child more deeply than I had dared to hope. He (and consequently I) was worried about his ability to bond since we went the DI route, but has formed a lovely attachment to this little girl that makes my heart swell. He wears his heart on his sleeve for her, and tells her that she's "stolen daddy's heart". But oh, how I wish he could be more of a chick sometimes. When baby has issues, he's all over the place. He reads up on infant care and does have some clever gems once in a while. But he is just so typically male sometimes, it is infuriating, especially when I'm already taking on the majority of childcare and am still sleep-deprived. In times like these, motherhood feels isolating. My husband is my best friend, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. So it makes me feel alone.

Let's end this post on a positive note, shall we? My baby girl is going to be 3 months old next week, and I really do think she is one of the cutest babies I've ever seen. So without further ado (and I know this is way overdue, no pun intended), here she is:

*** PICTURE REMOVED ***

11/27/07: Sorry folks, paranoia has set in and I've decided to remove the picture. I don't want someone we know to stumble across it, and I also don't want to go password-protected. I've received quite a few emails from folks dealing with azoospermia, and my story has given them a bit of hope. So I want to keep this site public for them, and future people who may come across this blog. THANKS for the people who did comment on her picture - it meant a lot!

A Strange Phenomenon

Sorry it's been awhile since my last post; my baby girl keeps me quite busy!

So last night I experienced a strange phenomenon...I felt this aching sensation on the left side of my girly parts. It was oddly familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. Oh! I'm about to ovulate! How quickly we forget, huh? I also had EWCM a few days ago, so I should've realized what the pain was sooner. All I can say is I've get a pretty foggy head ever since I had the baby. My memory is shot, and my mind is often 10 thoughts behind where it should be. My husband has laughed out loud on several occasions when he's asked me a question and been met by a totally dumb, deer-in-the-headlights expression on my face. I am surprised that the plumbing is getting back into working order so quickly, especially since I'm breastfeeding exclusively. I know, you can still ovulate and get pregnant while breastfeeding; I just thought it'd take longer than 2 months post-partum.

Things are progressing well on the baby front. Kiwi is now almost 10 weeks old, and her reflux has improved quite a bit on the meds. I was actually able to lay her flat to sleep last night! These past several weeks she would either sleep in her car-seat during the night, or in her swing or bouncer during the day to keep her inclined and stop her stomach contents from coming up. However, although her reflux has improved, her new problem is gas. She gets it often after a feeding, but sometimes not for an hour or so later. It's so bad I can hear her stomach gurgling, and feel all the gas bubbles as well. I spoke to the pediatrician today, who said it's just a part of the lovely reflux issue. He said to give her Mylic0n as often as every 2 hours if she needs it. I may try this gripe water called C0lic C@lm, which the doc said was safe, and is supposed to relieve gas/colic.

Other than the reflux and gas, Kiwi is now in a super-fun stage - she coos, makes lots of direct eye contact, and has real smiles! Sometimes when I pick her up for her night-time feeding she will just stare at me with the cutest smile on her face...almost coyly. I try not to give her a lot of stimulation at night so she'll go back to sleep quickly, but sometimes I just can't resist and smile right on back. It's just too cute...

Well, baby calls - so I have to cut this post short. Will update again soon as time permits!

The Reflux (ok, bad pun on the old Dur@n Dur@n song)

Wow, my baby girl is 6 weeks old! So much has been happening, and we've learned a ton...

What I originally thought was a milk allergy was in fact reflux. Apparently all babies have some degree of reflux, which is what causes spit-up. However, some babies have it to a greater extent, which makes them really uncomfortable as the acids in their stomach come back up, and this even interferes with their sleep and possibly weight gain (this wasn't an issue with my girl). She would also fuss quite a bit during and after feedings, arching her back and howling like she was in a great deal of pain (which I believe she was). The crying was getting to be so intense, often, and prolonged that we uttered the dreaded words...was it colic? And she couldn't sleep longer than 1.5 hours at a time during the day and night, when previously she took beautiful naps - she'd wake up constantly from gagging and coughing, the poor thing. So off we went to the pediatrician, who diagnosed it as reflux and prescribed Prev@cid. I was in turmoil about giving my girl meds at such a young age, but after careful delibration with hubby, we decided it was worth it if it could ease her pain and allow her to rest.

She's been on the meds for just over a week, and we are seeing a difference. It's not 100%, but I understand this may take a week or two to see the full extent of the improvement. One wonderful tidbit to report - she's now "sleeping through the night", which, according to the docs that study this sort of thing equals any amount greater than 5 hours. She's sleeping for a 6 hour stretch, which means I only have to get up for one night-time feeding! She's also sleeping in her car seat so she'll be more upright, which seems to really keep things from backing up as well. I may try one of those special wedge pillows that holds baby at a 30 degree angle, but am not totally decided on that point yet. Baby was previously a very noisy sleeper (clearing her throat constantly, gagging, coughing), and now she now sleeps soundly and wakes up rested and happy!

Breastfeeding is going well now. My milk supply is well established, and I also pump milk for hubby to feed her sometimes or for when Grandma babysits. DH and I actually got away on a "date" last week, and it was great!

Ok, now for some total honestly. I love my girl. I didn't right away. Don't get me wrong, I knew that I would at some point. But in the early days and weeks, I didn't feel like I knew her, and I was so overwhelmed at recoving from the c-section and learning how to be a Mom that it was all I could handle to breastfeed, change diapers, eat, and sleep. I didn't know how to soothe her when her crying jags started (before we figured out it was reflux and brought her some relief). I was actually a bit scared of her, and wasn't willing to be left alone with her, to the chagrin of my husband. Now, I feel like her Mom, and I really, deeply love her. And her crying doesn't freak me out anymore. Certain of her cries actually make me laugh, and others just make me melt. And she's starting to smile, which is a whole other reward in and of itself. It feels like a pat on the back for getting this far. And she's starting to coo, and of course I'm pulling for her first words to be Mama :) So I feel like I can handle this parenting thing. At least today.

Baby Update

So I finally have a few moments to post a decent baby update! Kiwi is 3 weeks old today, and the time has flown by in a big blur...it definitely feels like it's been longer than 3 weeks, as she's gone through so many changes and we've learned so much.

The last several days have been tough; after the first several days after her birth, we though we'd settled into knowing our baby reasonably well and were attending to her various needs enough so that she was not doing a lot of crying anymore. In those early days I think we weren't feeding her enough because my milk supply hadn't come in fully and we weren't supplementing with formula yet. After we got over that hurdle and she surpassed her birth weight in under 2 weeks, we went back to just breastfeeding. I read how a breastfeeding mother's daily calcium requirement is 1000 mcg, so started to drink more milk and eat more dairy to get to that recommendation on food rather than just vitamin supplements. Well, I think my little girl has a milk allergy, because she got SUPER fussy and started to spit up a lot. This lasted for a couple days until I stopped with the dairy, and baby is back to her old self, nursing like a champ and only having minimal spit up.

The funny thing is, I had started to get pretty frustrated about breastfeeding and how much time it actually takes out of your day (not to mention the cracked, sore nipples I had to overcome). As I said in my previous post, I feel like a 24 hour lactaction station. Baby spends anywhere between 10 - 35 minutes per breastfeeding session, and by the time I get her diaper changed and down for a nap, it's practically time for her to eat again! She typically eats every 2-4 hours, but has already had a day where she cluster-fed; I think she was in the midst of her 3-week growth spurt. Then before we figured out the milk allergy, she would be very fussy at the breast, and come off and on the breast, and cry during the entire nursing session. This made for a very frustrated Mommy, and I was really at the end of my rope. My frustration culminated in a crying jag yesterday, as I felt quite helpless and out of ideas. Luckily, DH swooped in and took on baby duty for most of the day. I pumped my milk to empty my breasts in the afternoon, and by the evening feeding, baby was happy again. So I think the milk I'd had in the morning had worked itself out of my breastmilk by then.

Although I'd been having all these frustrations with breastfeeding, I can't tell you how relieved and thrilled I was to be able to nourish my little one again. And even though I didn't have any pumped milk in the fridge (meaning DH couldn't take one of the nighttime feedings), I was happy to get up for baby and feed her because of this breakthrough we'd had. I feel like we've had a success here, and am starting to enjoy breastfeeding more now. Baby is also becoming increasingly alert, and we look at each other more intently now when she nurses, which is more akin to what I was looking forward to when I'd read all the breastfeeding books and their promises of bonding, etc. Fingers crossed, I think we're on the right path with this now...

Thanks for the Nod!

Wow - what a pleasant and totally unexpected surprise to see that I've been nominated twice as a Rockin' Girl Blogger!

Thanks go out to Trace and Nina - if you haven't checked out their blogs yet, I highly recommend you do so. They are both a couple of cook chicks with very interesting lives.

Here are some nominations from my camp:

Amanda at Manana Banana - Hers was the first blog I found that had to do with azoospermia and the utilization of donor sperm. It really gave me hope when I needed it most, and opened up this whole wonderful community of blogs to me. If she only knew how timely and helpful her blog was for me at a difficult time in my life...

Lucky #2 at Dreaming Minds - Great blog that I'm now following with interest as this mother dips her toes back into the working world - something I will be doing after the new year.

Chas at Sugar and Ice - This is a fun blog about motherhood to an adorable baby girl!

The following nominations are for folks whose blogs are password-protected. Sorry if you don't have access to their sites, but I didn't want to exclude them just because of that minor detail...

Beagle at Cats in the Cradle - Beagle is well on the path to adoption and is a strong, inspirational, candid woman whose path I have followed for quite some time. My fingers remain crossed for her and a short wait!

Dramalish at Baby Quest - Hers is another one of those early blogs that provided me with comfort when we first found out about DH's diagnosis. Plus she's an all-around cool chick who's provided tons of support to me and others out there.

Check out the above blogs, I think you'll like 'em.

Will post an update on life with the new baby soon...all I can say is that I'm tired, my back constantly hurts, I wish my c-section would heal quicker than it is, I feel like I'm a 24-hour breastfeeding machine...and my little baby is just precious. One look at her when she's awoken from a nap with those big eyes can make a tired Momma melt in a nanosecond...

Life is Good!

We welcomed Kiwi into the world on Friday, August 17th, and she was in wonderful health. I nursed her while in recovery from the c-section, and boy did she have a strong latch! She was on each breast for 30 minutes, and it was wonderful to look at all her little body parts and get to know her.

We stayed in the hospital for 3 days, and have been home for over a week now. She was a little fussy the first few nights home, but the last 4 nights she has been great. Just wakes up for her feedings and goes back to sleep, allowing us to get a bit more rest than before. The swing that we received as a gift has been great - it saves our arms/back and puts her right into dreamland, then we just place her into the cosleeper attached to our bed, and she's out for the count...

She is a wonderful little girl, and suprisingly alert. We have a picture of her at 5 days old, eyes wide open in her swing at 3 am! Everyone comments on how alert she is, and love to see her big eyes when they visit. I love to gaze into her big eyes when I nurse, and have been taking lots of pics.

She also developed a bit of jaundice and lost about 14 ounces, so we had to supplement the breast-feeding with formula. She's gained back 7 ounces, and we'll see tomorrow at her follow-up appointment with the pediatrician whether she's back to her original birth weight yet. If so, we'll stop the formula and just breastfeed.

Well I am pooped so am going to go lie down while the baby is asleep. Will post more later.

Life is good...

The Countdown is On

Well folks, we're currently at T minus 4 days, and boy am I ready to get this show on the road! The baby dropped early last week, so things are very heavy and pressure-filled in yonder pelvic region. It seems like I get a new symptom of discomfort on a daily basis now (cramping, stronger Braxton Hicks, back pain...), as my body is telling me in no uncertain terms that it is preparing for labor. I just hope Kiwi doesn't decide to make an early appearance; hold on till Friday, baby girl.

I did manage to squeeze in a pedicure last week, and am going to get my hair cut today. My hair has gotten so long and thick during this pregnancy, I'm hoping I don't lose too much of it as the hormones get back on track post-delivery.

Other than that, I'm just laying low these days. I'm pretty uncomfortable physically, so am not really cooking and doing much around the house. Our maid service comes tomorrow, and I'll be glad to arrive home from the hospital to a clean house.

If I don't post again for awhile, please send good thoughts my way this Friday. Will post pictures and details about the birth once I'm feeling up to it.

Oh Happy Day

I'm happy today, in a contented, calm, all-is-right-with-the-world sort of way.

Yesterday, DH surprised me in a wonderful, yet oh-so-him kind of way. I haven't been sleeping too well during this final stretch of pregnancy, and usually get in a nap a day. We were running around doing errands, and my crankiness factor was increasing exponentially relative to every minute that continued to pass without a nap. I felt like a child who needed to be put down, hah!

So when we finally got home, he dropped me off and said he needed to go to an electronics store to return some stuff, and I stayed home and took my nap. When he returned about 30 minutes later, he was asking me when I was gonna get up, etc., which I thought was weird because he usually just lets me do my thing when I'm resting. So I got up since I felt pretty rested anyway, and came downstairs with him. Next thing I know, he's giving me this goofy smile, and after 10 more dense minutes on my part, I finally noticed the little card that he had on the kitchen island.

He had gotten me a little something to commemorate the upcoming milestone in our lives that is a baby. For under the card, was a little gift box...and when I opened it, there it was. A perfect, beautiful, sweet, amazing ring of diamonds and pink sapphires. He explained that he recognizes all the sacrifices I've been making to have a healthy baby (especially with the latest challenges posed with the gestational diabetes meal plan), and wanted to get something for me before it becomes all about baby Kiwi. He can still make me melt, and my pregnancy hormones even made me shed a few tears. He is my husband, and I love him dearly for who he is, and who I am with him.

We've also settled on a name for Kiwi, which I will not share yet. I'm not sure if I'll share her full name since this is still a public blog, and we want to maintain anonymity while still sharing our story. But it was wonderful after receiving the gift from hubby that he called her by the name that's been at the top of our list, but that we had not confirmed with each other yet. So we have a name, a time, and a place that we will meet her. I can't wait.

I Guess I'm Nesting

Now that I'm on maternity leave, I have a lot more time for baby stuff (and blogging!) Although my c-section is still a couple of weeks away, I have this overwhelming desire to get everything ready for baby Kiwi NOW. What if she comes early and everything isn't ready? That just would not do. Ah, if you could see the spreadsheets, to-do lists, nursery, closet organizer, and other assorted tools I've been using to get ready, you might think I'm an overly anal mom-to-be. Or not. I just like to think of myself as prepared :)

I had hubby put together the pack and play this morning. This is what we're gonna use as our downstairs bassinet/changing station. It's really cute, and the only thing I have to do is exchange the sheets I bought for them because they really don't match. I stuffed the holder that attaches to it with a bunch of diapers, and don't really know where to put the wipes for now, so they're sitting on top of the changing station. Will have to mull over a better solution for that...

We'll be using a co-sleeper in the bedroom at night, the kind that attaches to the side of your bed with one side down. I've heard rave reviews on these from friends, and am thinking it will be handy for breastfeeding - especially when I'm healing from the c-section. We've assembled it already, and just need to move the night stand on my side of the bed somewhere else and attach the co-sleeper to the bed. I'm also mulling over where to put diapering supplies in the bedroom to make night-time changings convenient. Right now I've got a long, narrow basket inside the co-sleeper with diapers, wipes, and diaper rash ointment, and then I have a changing pad draped over the side of the sleeper itself. I think this will be fine in baby's first weeks, since the sleeper is quite large, but will need to move this stuff out eventually. I guess we'll play that by ear.

Finally, we need to assemble the cradle/swing, stroller (which I think should be a piece of cake), and bouncer. Kiwi will have so many places to sleep and hang out!

I ordered some cute nursing pajamas, a nursing bra that holds a double breast pump in place, and a nice robe online yesterday. The robe I will bring to the hospital, and the other items are for when I get home. I already have a nursing gown that I'll use in the hospital, which I'm thinking will be more comfortable to minimize clothing on the incision site. I need to find/get some granny panties so they will go over the site as well, instead of the low-rise ones I usually wear that would probably hit the site right where it hurts.

I need to go to the store tomorrow to return a duplicate item I got from my baby showers, and to get a few more things that we're still missing: a bottle brush, retractable sun shades for the car, etc. Do you really need to sterilize baby bottles before you use them, or is washing them enough? I have these bottles unpacked in the kitchen but am not sure how to prep them. Maybe I'll just run them through the top rack of the dishwasher? I don't know; I'm just going to have them on-hand in case I need to supplement with formula before my milk comes in or baby is jaundiced, but I do intend on breastfeeding exclusively.

I guess I'll wrap up this post for now, lunch-time beckons. I'm on this stupid meal plan because I got conservatively diagnosed with gestational diabetes, so I have to test my blood sugar 4 times a day and watch my carb intake, etc. No need for meds though, so that's about the only upshot to this whole situation. I can't wait until I have the baby and can eat anything I want! That is just how it should be when you're pregnant, at least some of the time. Ciao for now.

We Have a Date

My last ultrasound (at 34 weeks) showed that the placenta moved a little, but not enough to safely proceed with a natural birth. So we have a date set for the c-section, August 17th.

I am totally ok with going this route (I guess I'd better be, since I don't have a choice!), and am actually looking forward to the big day. If all goes well, I will not go into labor prior to this day, and can avoid having to employ the breathing and relaxation techniques I half-heartedly paid attention to in my childbirth classes. If all goes well, I will show up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on the given day, have a quick and simple c-section, and meet my baby girl who is unbruised and untraumatized by not having to squeeze through any birth canal. And she will look into my eyes, and we'll share a meaningful "hello". And she will breastfeed. And all will be well. And hubby and I will feel happy and complete.

That's what I'm hoping for, but we'll see what actually happens...

My last day of work is tomorrow, then I'll have a couple weeks to prepare for the big day. I've started doing laundry, and should have the bulk of it finished by today. I also started packing the hospital bag, and would still like to go out and get a robe and some other assorted items. We installed the car seat two nights ago, and I just love seeing it in the car, in its waiting state. It's like it's blinking and there's a sign above it that reads, "all we need is the baby". It makes me feel like a Mom to have it in the back of my car, and it's a cool feeling. We still need to assemble some baby stuff, like the pack and play, swing, bouncer, and stroller. We received most of the big things we registered for, which is awesome. It's lovely to see how people react to you when you are pregnant; it just seems to bring out smiles in all.

Once Kiwi shows up, my Mom will be staying with us for a month to help out. This will be a lifesaver, as DH will not be taking off his extended time until the beginning of September, and she'll be cooking/caring for me and helping with baby as I recover from my c-section (hubby will help with baby on the night shift). Plus it'll be a nice safety net to have someone in the house who's had so many kids herself. We're not nearly as anxious as we would've been since we know she'll be there. Moms are grand :)

So that's the general plan! I'll get onto the computer and post pics once I'm feeling up to it, but it probably won't be right away. I hope all my blog friends are doing well; I read up on your blogs often and still feel a special bond with you all even though I have reached the holy grail of infertility. Fingers crossed for all of you who are still on the journey.

Random Thoughts to My Baby Girl

I am just under 32 weeks pregnant today, and as I write this, you're busy squirming around in my belly. I wonder if you're head-down yet, and getting ready to get out of your cozy home and into the real world. You still have several more weeks of cookin' to do, so don't try to head out too soon!

Earlier today, you had the hiccups. This was only the second time I noticed them, and for some reason, it brings me endless entertainment and delight to see my belly bouncing every other second. I just imagine you in there, hiccuping away...maybe with eyes open, checking out the scene. It makes me smile and feel a closeness to you that grows every day.

Daddy is getting really excited with the anticipation of meeting you! He talks to you all the time, and sometimes when you're asleep, his voice seems to wake you up. I can't wait to see how he will be with you, and I'm sure my love for him will only deepen as I watch a new aspect of his personality unfold.

We got to see a preview glimpse of you last weekend in a 3d/4d ultrasound. I think you have my nose and lips...and you had the cutest little chubby cheeks! We saw you yawn a couple times, and even saw you open your eyes! And what a sweet, sweet smile you have. We're in love!

Diagnosis: Placenta Previa

Well, I had another ultrasound yesterday (27 weeks), and my placenta is still covering the ole cervix. This means I am still officially diagnosed with placenta previa, and my doctor has put me on stricter orders than when we found it at 20 weeks. I'm on complete "pelvic rest", which means no sex, no vaginal exams, no exercise (not even walking around the neighborhood), no heavy lifting, or any other activity that is even remotely strenuous. Although I am not on bed rest, my ob has instructed me to work exclusively from home, which I cleared with my management yesterday.

During this extended period at home, I may get into blogging again just to keep me busy aside from the work stuff. I fear I may go stir crazy, but I know that I'm lucky to not be confined to a bed at this point.

So I need to watch out for bleeding, as the placenta could prematurely separate from the uterine lining as the cervix begins to dilate/thin. If it's just spotting, I can call the ob and go from there. But if it's heavier (like a period) then I am to go immediately to the hospital's birthing center and potentially have baby delivered early. And if the placenta has not moved by the next ultrasound (at 34 weeks), then I will have a scheduled c-section. At first I was disappointed about not having a vaginal delivery, but I actually had a dream the other night that I went into labor, and nothing was progressing with a vaginal delivery - so I started hoping for a c-section and was thrilled when the ob decided to go that route! So perhaps a prelude of things to come...

How am I taking this diagnosis? In stride, I think. When I first got diagnosed about this I was pretty concerned and anxious. I did way too much consultation with Dr. Google and started to work myself into quite the tizzy. Now, I feel much better since I am at least starting my third trimester, and every day that goes normally is another day of development for Kiwi. All I want is a healthy baby girl, so I'll do whatever it takes to further that goal.

As I was sitting in the waiting room before the ultrasound, Kiwi was so active! I was quite entertained just watching my belly jump as she went through her various kicks and jabs. And once the ultrasound was going on, the tech kept commenting on how wriggly she was. At the beginning of the appointment, her head was on the right side of my belly, and by the end - her head was on the other side! Another bit of good news is that her development is on track and everything checks out ok with her. Oh, I also had the tech re-validate that she is in fact a girl :) It doesn't hurt to confirm that before I start washing all the cute girlie clothes I've received!

In other pregnancy news, I failed my glucose screening test, so now I have to fast tonight and do the 3-hour version first thing tomorrow morning. Will have to find a good book to keep me company, and hopefully those results will be ok.

Finally, I am just thrilled at the good news that Nina received! Drop on by her blog to catch up.

If anyone has experience with placenta previa or the glucose blood tests, I'd love to hear about it.