Not Pregant but Still no Period

Grr...I am currently at 20 dpo, and tested negative on my blood test taken on Monday. Still no period either. I'm ok that I'm not PG this cycle, I just wish it would act more normal and not make it appear that I might be PG. Stopped the progesterone suppositories and just waiting for AF again. Sigh...

A Beautiful Post

I came across this post on James Boyce's blog today (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/james-boyce/a-small-but-perfect-exa_b_33341.html), and thought I would share it with all of you:

A Small, But Perfect, Example Of Fearlessness
Courage comes in many sizes. But today, on her 4th birthday, I wanted to introduce you to a small but pure example of Arianna's definition of fearlessness - my daughter Phoebe.

To my daughter:

It's been two and a half years since we brought you into our family, and brought you half way around the world, and from the very moment we met you, you have amazed and blessed me.

On this page, you're surrounded by fearless women, which is why for your birthday, I wanted you here. Because many of these women here have conquered their fear when adults - I think you're the first one to be showcased here because when you conquered unimaginable fear, when you were barely eighteen months old, and not yet three feet tall.

I remember reading and re-reading your paperwork before we flew to China to meet you. "Found in a park," the translation of the police documents, stated, "one day old." One day old in America, you would be wrapped tight and warm and in a nice nursery in a hospital with round-the-clock care and doting parents, grandparents, friends and family, your every cry analyzed and noted.

But at just one day, you were already on your own. Someone smarter than me would know if a baby that young can feel fear, but lying in that park alone, you must have known something was wrong. You lived for eighteen months in orphanage and then, one day your life changed.

They told us you had never been in a car. In what must have been a complete blur to your little heart and eyes, you rode for four hours over Chinese country roads, saw your first hotel, rode your first elevator, and then what was going through your mind when they knocked on our door, and handed you to us.

I can still, and always will be able to close me eyes and see you there.

All your worldly possesions in a tiny purse, wearing your pink pajamas and socks but no shoes. Just a tender little soul, all alone, with everything and everyone they ever knew in life, gone forever in the time it takes for a hotel door to close.

Your body and face were pure fear, primal, and complete. You clawed at the door, and the wall, you screamed louder than any human may ever have.

But fearlessness isn't the absence of fear, it's the abilty to overcome your fears. And you did.

We spent our first night together as a family, you never closed your eyes. We had our first meal, our first trip to the park, our first everything.

I once actually had a woman tell me "you were so brave to go to China and adopt a girl." That's laughable. Imagine, someone calling me brave for flying in business class as an adult with my family, knowing where I was going and what was happening - no, I wasn't the brave one that day.

You flew home with us and didn't cry once, not from Hong Kong to Tokyo, not from Tokyo to Los Angeles, not from Los Angeles to Boston, not one peep. You faced your adventure, unable to speak with us, with the same strength you faced your first day on earth.

I remember when you tumbled in the airport in Los Angeles as we were changing planes. A full face plant in front of twenty people onto the concrete floor. You could hear the people gasp, waiting for your cries that never came. You just stood up, brushed yourself on and caught up with us. I realized that it was because no one would ever come when you cried at the orphange, so why bother. That realization still troubles me.

Now you proudly ask people where they are from, listen as they answer and then tell them you're from China. You love your brother and your mother and me. You explore the world and life with a sense of purpose and determination that we all love so much.

I'm not sure I will ever see pure fear like I did that day when we met you.

I know I never again will see such courage.

Happy Birthday Phoebe.

I love you.

I Wonder Who Else is IF-Challenged

As hubby and I keep our fingers crossed that this is the cyle we get PG, I've been wondering who else is IF-challenged. We know many couples who have been married for some time and have no children, and always thought it was by choice. And while this may be the case, we now also wonder if they have strugged with infertility like we have been. Oh, how I wish I could take back all those times (pre-IF) that I would ask couples when they would have children - because I know how much it stings when people ask the same of us. Your sensitivity meter sure skyrockets when you're going through IF yourself, doesn't it? But when people throw those questions at me, although it may sting and be painful, I just keep repeating to myself something I heard Oprah say once, "When you know better, you do better..."

You may notice at the bottom of my blog that I have included a link to the RESOLVE web site. I am not currently a member, but am checking out the organization and mulling over whether I want to get more involved with them. In searching through their site, I came across this blurb:

"Infertility affects approximately 10% of the population. Since infertility strikes diverse groups-affecting people from all socioeconomic levels and cutting across all racial, ethnic and religious lines - chances are great that a friend, relative, neighbor or perhaps you are attempting to cope with the medical and emotional aspects of infertility."

This really made me take pause. Amd it made me wonder who else I may know who may be dealing with the same problem as hubby and I.

A Sign of Things to Come?

Here's a quick summary of what's been happening this week:

Tuesday - Went in for ultrasound and I have 1 follicle per side. They were worried about whether we would proceed with IUI this cycle because the dominant follicle was on the right side (and my right tube is blocked).

Wednesday - Another ultrasound showed that the left follicle grew. I also tested positive on the OPK.

Today - Had an IUI. The sperm count was 19 million! I guess they usually look for 10 million or more. As I lay on the table after the IUI, listening to the kitchen timer - I tried to visualize what 19 million swimmers would look like. Another ultrasound revealed I haven't ovulated yet, so I'm back in tomorrow for another IUI.

Here's the amusing thing - I use a fertility tracking software that tracks your cycle, meds, and provides cycle forecasting based on your cycle history. As I entered in the latest events, I was surprised to see that the prediction for this cycle showed me pregnant on 11/20. This is the first time it's ever done this, even when I've had optimal timing in previous cycles. Maybe this is a positive sign of things to come!

Feeling a Little Blah

I'm on cd13 and still no surge. This is not a surprise. I go in tomorrow for the fun ultrasound and to see how many follies the hot flash-producing drugs have stimulated in my ovaries. I will probably ovulate in the next couple of days or so, if my previous cycle that resulted in the chemical pregnancy is any indication of timing.

I feel like I should be more excited than I am. Defense mechanism? Probably. But here's the crazy thing - I'm afraid that if I don't have a good attitude about it that it might not take. You know, the mind-body connection, stuff like that.

On top of all this, I am fairly stressed about work. Yes, I am missing a very important meeting that my boss said I didn't have to travel for. My boss was pretty darn cool about it. Why can't I just be more of a guy, and take the boss' word at face value and move on without all the over-analyzing? Because I'm a chick, that's why. This is what chicks do. We take a perfectly good situation, over-analyze the heck out of it, and worriedly twiddle our thumbs as we play through all the what-if scenarios. What if my boss really isn't ok with this, and is just playing nice? Women are pretty darn notorious for avoiding confrontation and not expressing their true feelings, especially when they're anything but nice. What if this jeopardizes my career, at least in the short term? What if I have now been knocked down a peg or two in my boss' eyes? Should I have just skipped this cycle and gone to the dang meeting?!

The meeting starts tomorrow. On top of all this, I have to go to the RE's office for the ultrasound, and have to hightail it home in time to call in to the meeting that I didn't travel for. I hope my husband can come with me, so that I can call into the meeting from my cell phone if we can't make it home in time. My husband is working day and night on his current catastrophic project at work. So it's not like he's just sitting around waiting to chaeuffer me to my RE appointments. But he is being a dear, and refused to travel this week because he wanted to be here with me for my IUI(s).

Perhaps it's good that I'm so busy; it could make for a relatively painless 2ww. I just hope that all this juggling, planning, and sacrificing is all worth it. I really do.

Life revolves around getting knocked up

So I started a new cycle a few days ago, and am humming along with the fertility drugs. Taking Clomid right now, and am happy to report that the hot flashes have yet to begin. Instead of being so depressed last cycle after the miscarriage, I am now dutifully distracted by all the drugs, cycle days, and other various details one has to pay attention to when trying to conceive.

I have been super-busy at work, and so has hubby. While it has been a challenge, I've been thinking we've been doing a pretty damn good job; leaning on each other as needed, and the not-so-busy person picking up the slack without needing to be asked. And then trading places appropriately. Then, some business travel of mine just got reshuffled, and BAM!...it's smack dab in my ovulation window.

I try not to think of myself as a special person just because of my IF challenges. I know that people are challenged in a myriad of ways, so my IF plight is just par for the course. It just really stinks when you're doing your best to hum along in life (with IF being a subset of said life), and you realize your life really does revolve around it because it's such a timing game. I talked to hubby about the trip, and we both decided we wouldn't travel that week. Period. So I told my boss I had a personal conflict, and she was ok with it. Hopefully this isn't a foreboding of things to come with future cycles.

Let the New Cycle Begin

Ok, today is Day 1 of my new cycle. I do have a question for people, though. If you had a miscarriage previously, or know someone who did - did the start of your next period begin with old blood? I had a little spotting last night that was brown, and then I started full-flow today. The RE thought it might be related to the drugs I took previously, but that explanation sounded a bit strange to me. How come you can never think of good questions until after you hang up?

I just spoke to a nurse from the RE's office, and I'm going to follow the same protocol as my previous IUI cycle. Clomid, Estress, HCG shot, IUI. Apparently I had 2 follicles on either side last cycle! I thought I only had 1 on each side...

So here we embark on our 2nd attempt via DIUI. It is nice to be starting anew. It gives me hope and gets me out of the little spiral I was in (this is not to say I won't spiral again, but let's just take one day at a time). Bring it on!

My Breaking Point

I grew up a casually religious person. Casual in that I always felt that I believed in God, but had never gotten deep into church or the Bible, and didn't feel right affiliating myself with deeply religious people. Not that I had anything against them, I just felt uncomfortable hanging out with them knowing that I didn't share their convictions. Now for the deeply religous folks who largely kept their beliefs out of mainstream conversation, I was fine. But for the ones who were always wrapping your life around your religion - this made me feel weird.

However, later in life - I have started to ask some of those life questions, and when my family experienced a tragedy two years ago - I found an enormous amount of comfort and strength from a then new church that my husband and I found. We attended regularly for about a year, and then tapered off when life started to normalize and we started to think how nice it would be to find a smaller church that could provide more intimacy amongst church-goers. We never found that smaller church.

Then, with everything that's been going on in our lives, I had started to get the yearning to attend church this past weekend. Funny enough, my husband mentioned it on Saturday as well. So we went on Sunday. It felt nice sitting in the church again, and as I admired the woodwork on the ceiling, the associate pastor began her prayer during the collecting of tithes. I barely remember the words, but they hit me like a ton of bricks. Her comforting voice, her powerful words...it was too much. I started to cry. Right there in church. Imagine my utter shock when I next saw the title of this week's message, "The Breaking Point". I felt like God was talking directly to me. I have felt so alone during all this, as if He has forgotten about me, or is playing some cruel joke on me. Maybe I have forgotten about Him. And I have found my way back.

I cried during the entire service. Not a sobbing cry; just tears flowing down my face the whole time, and the occasional nose-blowing. I'm sure other people noticed me, but nobody made a big deal out of it. I did notice one lady at the end of the service. She looked at me a couple of times. I didn't really return the look, but I could tell it was just a look of concern. That made me feel a little better. And my DH was there the whole time. He asked if I wanted to leave, but I said no. How could I leave when this message was here for me?

Here's what I got out of the sermon: When you have reached the breaking point, your thoughts and emotions are impacted in a radical manner different than when things are just humming along in life. It impacts your perspective and makes you forget the good things. And it makes that additional pain that much harder to take. While it can seem like no big deal, someone who is in that state of emotional stress does not process life's little bumps effectively. Boy, is that the truth.

Even though I have a job that is pretty great, I have let recent events at work really get me down. And I'm normally a pretty optimistic person. I think I've realized in the back of my mind that I'm responding to things differently due to my IF challenges, but this sermon really put things into perspective. It was like - of course things have been tough, look at everything you've been through these last two years! I lost a brother and dear friend to cancer, and have been dealing with the IF blues. And I have a very demanding job that has had an incredible amount of change and churn...

But the purpose of this post is not to complain about my life. Because I have a huge amount to be thankful for. I come from an extremely close-knit family, and I see them all the time. I have many wonderful nieces and nephews, and they make me smile and laugh with their innocent questions (the younger ones) and teenage trials and tribulations. I have a small group of very close girlfriends that "get" me. I can call them at any hour of any day and cry my eyes out. I have done this. They have done this with me, too. I have a really cool dog. When I am sad, he comes up to me and looks right at my soul with eyes that understand my grief. And his usual jubliant self is quiet, and sits with me for support. I have a beautiful home in a wonderful neighborhood, with some great neighbors. I have really made my house a home, and have all kinds of relics from my happy youth, and from my various travels around the world. I have been fortunate to travel quite a bit, both on business and pleasure. I've been to some fantastic destinations, both domestic and international, and will always cherish those experiences. And I have a husband who I am completely in love with, and with whom our relationship continues to evolve and deepen with each "experience" that life throws at us. IF is definitely no exception!

This is the perspective that has been clouded by my grief as I have reached my breaking point. I am so thankful that God has reminded me of this. I have thanked Him several times today. I'm sure I will thank him again tonight. And tomorrow. And the next day.

So please, all of my IF sisters: If you find yourself on the tumultuous path to your breaking point, or are already there - remember to right your perspective and take a deep breath. And if you're a believer of God, talk to Him, believe in Him, and He will be there. And take another deep breath. And tomorrow will be a better day. It was for me.

I Sent Him an Email

As a follow-up to my last post, I wanted to provide an update on what I did last night. After the feeling-sorry-for-myself stage passed, my husband called me. Still feeling blue and uncommunicative, I wasn't very chatty, and our discussion was brief. Then I felt like a complete jerk, and wrote him an email.

I told him how, although I've had my good days, I've had some really bad days as well. And that, although I know he's got a lot of stress in his life, that this sort of trumps all that other stuff because...well, because it does. I told him I was sorry for coming off as mean, aloof, and distant. And then I told him that I really miss and love him, and can't wait for him to come home on Friday so we can make the most of our weekend (I leave on business Monday night). He responded like the gem that he is. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Back to Normal

I went in for another HCG test on Saturday, and I finally tested negative. So I guess that means my body processed the miscarriage fully on its own, and now I just wait for my period before I kick it into high gear again.

This has been a reflective day. Maybe it's the cloudy weather that's got me feeling a bit ho-hum. You all must be thinking I'm a bit bipolar, what with my last post proclaiming my utter happiness with life, and this one, that is on the gloomy side.

Let me explain why I'm sad. I have always been a great communicator when it comes to work, school, arguing with the sales clerk on why she should allow me to return an item, etc. You know, the easy stuff. But when it comes to emotions, I am NOT one to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I tend to bottle stuff up. My husbands says so. It's been a couple of weeks since the whole miscarriage started, and sometimes I just get down about it. And I don't want to sound like a broken record about it with my husband, so I just acknowledge that I'm sad and let myself experience the plethora of emotions. Then the logical side of me kicks in, and I tell myself that while this was sad, this was only my first DIUI, it's a good sign that I even got PG, etc., etc., etc.

And then I get upset because my DH hasn't picked up on the fact that I'm sad, and wonder how he can be so insensitive about this, because, excuse me - it needs to be about me right now. I know, it's totally unfair. He can't read my mind. But he has so much crap going on in his life right now, I just keep my mouth shut so that I don't add to it.

So then I go and listen to sad music, look at the gloomy day, and let myself be sad. Oh, and he went out of town on business again today, and won't be back till Friday. I'm away on business next week, and 2 weeks after that. Even though we have our weekends together, just knowing that all this time apart is coming up just sucks. Because even though I'm not being the best communicator about what I'm going through, just having his presence really does help. And now he's gone again.

A Post Unrelated to IF

While my life has pretty much revolved around IF lately, I am on an official respite from the topic since I'm sitting out of the game this month. I'm actually pretty happy today. Here are some of the reasons why:

TV
- A bunch of good TV shows are back again: Grey's Anatomy, Lost, Nip/Tuck
- And some new ones that I like: Men in Trees, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Really bummed that Related got canceled, though. For those of you who don't know that one, it was about a family of four sisters and their lives and relationship with each other. It was a pretty wacky family, but extremely endearing. Why do they always have to cancel the shows that I love? They got rid of Everwood, too. Dang them!

Movies
2 of the 4 guys on my "island" are now in a movie together: Matt Damon and Mark Wahlberg in the upcoming The Departed. This is truly a reason to celebrate. If you don't know what I'm referring to with the island reference...don't ask :)

Workout Progress
I've worked out every night but one this week! And the desire to continue doing so is still strong. Definitely a good thing, and I feel better about myself, too.

Weather
It's supposed to get into the 70's this weekend, and cloudy, too. Fall weather, come on over! Thoughts of bundling up, sweaters, and fall festivals abound. Maybe we'll go pick apples this weekend and savor the smell of hot apple cider. Mmmm....

My Husband's Back
He was out of town on business all week, and he got back last night. It was a very good...ahem...home-coming! That makes us both happy :)

TGIF
It was a tough week at work, but rewarding in certain ways as well. There's nothing like a Friday when you feel like you've accomplished good things and really earned that paycheck. Cheesy, but honest. You know what I mean??

The Weekend is Wide Open
No plans, we've got a blank slate. Sometimes those are the best kinds of weekends. I think I'll wake up, make some good coffee, and enjoy the crisp morning in the backyard. And watch the hummingbirds enjoy their sugar water from my feeder. Hope they don't fight too much over it. They love that stuff.

There's probably more, but that's all that comes to mind right now. I'm just in a pretty contented state of mind, and in this uncertain / disappointing / angry / resentful / confusing world of IF, I thought I'd share! Hope you all have a great weekend.

Moving Right Along

I went in for another blood draw on Saturday, and my HCG level had decreased to 36. I go in again this weekend for another test, because they want to make sure my levels get back to zero. So, things are moving right along. I think AF may finally be over. I normally have a 3-day period, and this one was just under 7 days long. I'm glad it's over - I haven't had such a long period since I was a teenager!

So now I'm in the zone of just being normal again, and have been enjoying my caffeine, sushi, and wine. I'm also completely stoked that fall is finally here. It really is my favorite season, as thoughts of crisp mornings, fall foliage, and cozy nights beckon. It's a comforting season to me, and I even look forward to Halloween - when I get to see all the kids turn out in their wackiest, sweetest, and silliest costumes.

I've resolved to get back into shape as well. I grew up a thin girl, and have gained pounds over the years like many of us tend to do...sigh. I don't think I'd be considered overweight, but I just don't feel like me. So I've been working out and regulating my diet more. I'm not a fanatical dieter who gets into calorie-counting and regimented workout routines. It's more little life changes that I am hoping to turn into good habits again. So here goes!

It Started Today

Although I have been feeling signs of the impending miscarriage for a few days now (more cramping, pain in my upper thigh, back pain), it started today in a more obvious manner with the arrival of AF. It's not extremely heavy, but I have passed some tissue. And now the blood is bright red, not the brown spotting I've been having up to this point. I knew I would start today when I got all the pre-period symptoms that I usually get. That certain lower back pain, those certain cramps you get...those familiar pains were there, but at a multiple of maybe 3. Intense sugar cravings, too. It was painful for me to see the tissue on the toilet paper today. Lots of questions swirl through my mind..."Did you ever form into an embryo, or was your development stopped before it ever began? Why did this have to happen, God? I thought that you had finally blessed me like you have blessed everyone else in my family? I know I've had a great and blessed life, but why this additional challenge?"

It's life's great challenges that bring me closer to God. They also make me question, scream, moan, and weep. I have mixed emotions today. On the one hand, I'm glad that AF has begun, and anxiously wonder if my body will regulate soon - the next thing I know, I'll be embarking on IUI #2. On the other hand, I am sad. Don't really feel like talking to people about this, but blogging is different. It allows me to express my feelings in a targeted community that can relate to my experiences on such a deeper level. We have a shared pain, and our shared elations are that much sweeter because of it. I so look forward to sharing in some joy with you all in the future. And I hope to share in some of YOUR joy as well.