It's tempting to go private with this blog. I'd love to be able to share pictures of my daughter and family, but wouldn't risk doing so unless the blog was restricted. And I love being allowed the privilege of reading your private blogs, and sharing in your lives in a more intimate way.
However, from time to time, I receive emails from folks who've read my blog, can relate to it, and are in a similar situation. They ask me a lot of the same questions I had when I was first faced with the grim reality of azoospermia. They also ask me lots of questions about what to consider when going the DI route. Sometimes they just need a friend who understands what they're going through. It's amazing to me what the blogosphere has done for me, and what it allows me to offer others. This is why I keep my blog public, for all of you gals who might need it as a reference for your own lives, and who might get just a little bit of comfort knowing that someone else has gone through the same thing and come out the other side a pretty darn happy person. So please feel free to email me with questions. I don't check this account every day, but do check it regularly. I will respond to your email.
I'm glad to have gotten that off my chest. It's a topic I haven't really touched on during the lifespan of this blog, but has felt like a private side thing that I wanted to acknowledge.
In other pregnancy news...I'm still very tired and queasy. I'll be 11 weeks on Friday, and had my first OB appointment this week. It went well - they even did a quick ultrasound, and everything looked good with the baby. It's tough to juggle work with first-trimester pregnancy symptoms, but I get by. Luckily, I have a very supportive boss who I also consider a friend. I can't believe how much I'm showing already, but my OB assured me this is normal for a second pregnancy, what with the stretched out stomach muscles (lovely).
Question (please don't judge me) - is it possible to get a tummy tuck/lipo right after a c-section? I figure if I'm on the operating table anyway...would be fabulous to be able to get my tummy back in order!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
A Good Update
Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted. After 2 unsuccessful IVF cycles to conceive with the original donor sperm that gave us our lovely daughter, we cut bait and switched donors.
The first time I purchased donor sperm, I only purchased 6 vials, and it took me 5 vials to get pregnant. I foolishly didn't think about purchasing more, and got screwed when we wanted to TTC again and I learned the donor had retired.
This time, I purchased 8 vials, and took 1 IUI cycle and 2 vials to get pregnant! Yes folks, I am 6 weeks pregnant as of last Friday, and we saw/heard the heartbeat at the RE's office yesterday.
I have all the usual symptoms I had last time...HUGE mood swings (...one minute, my husband is a complete buffoon, and the next minute, all is fine...), very sore boobs, sudden hunger attacks, morning/noon/night sickness. This time around, I also have an energetic toddler underfoot (she's 2.5 years old now - how did that happen??), and I am trying to teach her it's not ok to kick/head butt, or otherwise bring any force to Mommy's tummy. Wish me luck on that one. Otherwise, just color me tickled that we are on this journey once again, albeit the path was not a "typical" one.
Hope everyone is well.
The first time I purchased donor sperm, I only purchased 6 vials, and it took me 5 vials to get pregnant. I foolishly didn't think about purchasing more, and got screwed when we wanted to TTC again and I learned the donor had retired.
This time, I purchased 8 vials, and took 1 IUI cycle and 2 vials to get pregnant! Yes folks, I am 6 weeks pregnant as of last Friday, and we saw/heard the heartbeat at the RE's office yesterday.
I have all the usual symptoms I had last time...HUGE mood swings (...one minute, my husband is a complete buffoon, and the next minute, all is fine...), very sore boobs, sudden hunger attacks, morning/noon/night sickness. This time around, I also have an energetic toddler underfoot (she's 2.5 years old now - how did that happen??), and I am trying to teach her it's not ok to kick/head butt, or otherwise bring any force to Mommy's tummy. Wish me luck on that one. Otherwise, just color me tickled that we are on this journey once again, albeit the path was not a "typical" one.
Hope everyone is well.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
I Must Be Crazy
I must be crazy. I have an adorable little girl who gets cooler by the second. I have an amazing husband who absolutely loves our daughter but doesn't forget to devote time to "us". And I have a pretty darn cool dog to boot.
But alas, I want to keep torturing myself and my body so we can have another baby. Yes! I would LOVE to stick needles in my belly repeatedly until I run out of good spots. Yes! Give me more of that hormonal craziness otherwise known as Clomid! Yes! I love being on emotional roller-coasters - sign me up for a triple-dose!
I must be crazy, because I'm about to start all over again - this time with new donor sperm, cause we ran out of the other stuff and the donor probably graduated from college and has the financial means to not need to donate anymore. God give me strength.
But alas, I want to keep torturing myself and my body so we can have another baby. Yes! I would LOVE to stick needles in my belly repeatedly until I run out of good spots. Yes! Give me more of that hormonal craziness otherwise known as Clomid! Yes! I love being on emotional roller-coasters - sign me up for a triple-dose!
I must be crazy, because I'm about to start all over again - this time with new donor sperm, cause we ran out of the other stuff and the donor probably graduated from college and has the financial means to not need to donate anymore. God give me strength.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Waiting on 2 Counts
Since I was too lazy to write a thorough post the other day, I thought I'd come back and post a new entry so you all understand what's on the minds of DH and I. You see, we're waiting to see how this cycle goes on a couple of counts:
1. Are we pregnant?
2. If pregnant, is it 1 or 2?
You see, we transferred two embryos on the advice of our RE. This has us a bit nervous because the thought of twins is a little scary and overwhelming. Don't get me wrong - we would be happy with either 1 or 2, and will take whatever God gives. But at the same time, I'd be lying if I said my head didn't spin a bit at the thought of twins!
We should know the answer to question #1 on Tuesday, and question #2 at the 6/8 week ultrasound. Otherwise, they did have 1 embryo that they were able to freeze, so if this cycle doesn't pan out then we'll have 1 more shot! Stay tuned...
1. Are we pregnant?
2. If pregnant, is it 1 or 2?
You see, we transferred two embryos on the advice of our RE. This has us a bit nervous because the thought of twins is a little scary and overwhelming. Don't get me wrong - we would be happy with either 1 or 2, and will take whatever God gives. But at the same time, I'd be lying if I said my head didn't spin a bit at the thought of twins!
We should know the answer to question #1 on Tuesday, and question #2 at the 6/8 week ultrasound. Otherwise, they did have 1 embryo that they were able to freeze, so if this cycle doesn't pan out then we'll have 1 more shot! Stay tuned...
Monday, June 22, 2009
Transfer Complete
The transfer didn't happen on Saturday, but occurred today instead. Other than being uncomfortable from having a full bladder, it was easy-peasy. We decided to transfer two embryos based on how they'd been graded, and now we'll just wait and see! My back is killing me, so this is going to be a short post so I can go lie down. I've also been having trouble sleeping; feels just like when I was at the end of my pregnancy and couldn't sleep - except I'm not even pregnant yet! I wonder if it's a side-effect of the progesterone and other assorted drugs (endometrum or something like that) they have me taking. Anybody know?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
The Easter Egg Hunt was a Success
The egg retrieval was yesterday, and it went really well. I was most nervous about the stinkin' IV, because I had a horrible experience with seasoned nurses not catching a vein prior to my c-section. They all shook their heads in confusion and tried to reassure me by saying "this has never happened to me...I can always hit a vein..." Needless to say, this didn't help the fact that they were poking me repeatedly in both arms, doing the fish-around with the needle (I HATE that), and still not having success. My arms were bruised for weeks.
Anyway, my RE happens to use this cool pre-numbing agent and I didn't even feel the needle go in. I was so excited about that! Once I got into the OR, I passed out almost immediately. Them's was some good drugs they gave me. Next thing I knew, I was back in the recovery room and not remembering a darn thing anyone was saying to me (hubby was pretty amused with this). The anesthesiologist (not sure if I spelled that right but too lazy to look it up) came in and told me things went well, they got all 8 follicles...I nodded and asked him how things went and how many eggs did they get? :)
I got a call this morning, and 7 were fertilized! So things are looking good and we're tentatively planning for a Day 3 transfer (Saturday).
I must say I am shocked at how many people have commented on my last post - it is so nice to see all my old friends! I still need to catch up with everyone to see how you're all doing, so please give me a few days to check in with all of you.
In the meantime, happy Thursday!
Anyway, my RE happens to use this cool pre-numbing agent and I didn't even feel the needle go in. I was so excited about that! Once I got into the OR, I passed out almost immediately. Them's was some good drugs they gave me. Next thing I knew, I was back in the recovery room and not remembering a darn thing anyone was saying to me (hubby was pretty amused with this). The anesthesiologist (not sure if I spelled that right but too lazy to look it up) came in and told me things went well, they got all 8 follicles...I nodded and asked him how things went and how many eggs did they get? :)
I got a call this morning, and 7 were fertilized! So things are looking good and we're tentatively planning for a Day 3 transfer (Saturday).
I must say I am shocked at how many people have commented on my last post - it is so nice to see all my old friends! I still need to catch up with everyone to see how you're all doing, so please give me a few days to check in with all of you.
In the meantime, happy Thursday!
Monday, June 15, 2009
TTC - Round 2
Well, we're going for baby #2, except this time we're doing IVF. I only had 1 via of donor sperm left, and of course the donor is no longer active. So to have a higher chance of conceiving a true sibling for my girl, we decided that IVF was the way to go. I've been stimming at morning and at night, and am on the schedule for the egg retrieval this Wednesday. I have 8 follicles, and we're tentatively targeting Saturday for the eggs to be transferred back.
I hope everyone is doing well!!! Would love updates on how you've all been!
I hope everyone is doing well!!! Would love updates on how you've all been!
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Hanging Up The Keyboard
For anyone who continues to check on my blog (I know my readership has steadily declined in direct proportion to the [in]frequency in which I've been posting), I've decided to stop this blog for now. I may post updates here and there, but the desire, and mostly the time, is no longer there for me to devote to this area of my life.
I'll continue to keep it online for newly crowned azoospermiacs who may decide to venture down the DI route, and would like a success story to reference. And will check email and reply to it as I'm able as well.
I'll continue to check in on my blog friends and keep up with how you're all doing. Perhaps I'll pick this up again if and when I decide to embark down this path again if we decide to go for baby #2.
Best wishes to all of my *virtual* friends!
I'll continue to keep it online for newly crowned azoospermiacs who may decide to venture down the DI route, and would like a success story to reference. And will check email and reply to it as I'm able as well.
I'll continue to check in on my blog friends and keep up with how you're all doing. Perhaps I'll pick this up again if and when I decide to embark down this path again if we decide to go for baby #2.
Best wishes to all of my *virtual* friends!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
It's Been Awhile
Wow, can't believe the last time I posted was in February.
I find myself having a rare moment of calm...hubby's off doing some fun stuff with buddies, baby K is having her afternoon nap (the dog must be off snoozing somewhere too), and the house...is...quiet.
Things have been pretty "normal" as of late. Work continues to be really busy, and I get tons of stuff dumped on me by my boss. I really can't complain, though. I generally have a true fondness for many of the people I work with (including said boss), the stuff that gets dumped on me is intellectually stimulating, and I take home a pretty good paycheck. Ditto with hubby's situation.
K continues to grow every day, and she changes by leaps and bounds.
She's almost eight months old now, and eating solids like a champ. She's on stage 2 foods, and I have begun the weaning process. I was hoping to nurse for a year, but I have officially given myself permission to let go of the guilt! My work schedule is nuts, and I often have back-to-back meetings from 8-5. It's hard enough to get away to grab any food, let alone run to the bathroom and pump. This juggling act was making me absolutely BATTY, so this week I went down to pumping just once per day, and next week I will not pump at all. This equates to sending formula to daycare along with the solids, and I'll continue to nurse in the morning/evening as long as it feels right or when my milk supply dimishes, whichever comes first. As soon as my husband and I discussed this and decided we'd start weaning, I felt this incredible weight lift off my shoulders. I have truly loved nursing my baby, and feeling the unique emotions that come from having the ability to feed and nourish her. But along with nursing comes an incredible amount of responsibility and work. Now that she's taking in a lot of food, her milk intake is decreasing as well. Considering all of the above, it just feels right, and I'm excited to reclaim my body and indulge in an occasional glass of wine again!
K is turning out to be quite the chatty patty. She's constantly practicing new sounds, and her voice is absolutely adorable. It seems like she's enjoying this new part of herself so much that she even mumbles in her sleep, almost like she's still practicing. We've taken many, many videos of her jabbering away, and it'll be so precious to show her these videos when she gets a little older. And I'm sure mom and dad will get a kick out of it, too.
We're about to spend a ton of money...we owe several thousand dollars to Uncle S@m this year (ugh), an unexpected expense came up that will also cost several thousand dollars, and we need to buy K 2 convertible car seats. She has finally outgrown her infant carrier, and I really do consider us lucky that she's lasted in it this long. But since hubby and I both have cars and take her to daycare, we need to buy 2 car seats, which will probably run us close to 700 smackeroos. Will probably go buy them today or tomorrow. On the upside, I've been wanting to graduate to this next step for awhile now, as the baby is getting really heavy carrying her in the infant carseat. And I haven't really seen more shapely biceps develop as a result ;)
Speaking of biceps, I'm finally starting to embark on a workout routine again. I never thought it'd take me this long post-delivery to get on a regular routine, but I also never knew how much busier our lives would become, especially juggling work and a family. But alas, that is the plight of all working families...I'm excited to get active and rediscover the joys of a fit and trim bod. I'm actually 10 pounds lighter than I was before I got pregnant, but my stomach pooches so much I still look about 4 months pregnant. I can hide it pretty well by wearing the right kinds of tops, but I'm sick of having the majority of my wardrobe not look good on me. I have purchased some new clothes so I wouldn't be completely depressed (you've gotta have SOME stuff that looks good on you), but I think it'll be a lot cheaper if I just re-sculpt my baby pooch...
We'll that's a pretty good summary of how life is these days. I'm gonna go browse some of your blogs now and comment where I can - my ability to hit up all blogs and comment will be a function of how long the baby sleeps ;) Hope everyone enjoys the Spring - it's always been such a season of hope and renewal for me; perhaps it is for you as well.
I find myself having a rare moment of calm...hubby's off doing some fun stuff with buddies, baby K is having her afternoon nap (the dog must be off snoozing somewhere too), and the house...is...quiet.
Things have been pretty "normal" as of late. Work continues to be really busy, and I get tons of stuff dumped on me by my boss. I really can't complain, though. I generally have a true fondness for many of the people I work with (including said boss), the stuff that gets dumped on me is intellectually stimulating, and I take home a pretty good paycheck. Ditto with hubby's situation.
K continues to grow every day, and she changes by leaps and bounds.
She's almost eight months old now, and eating solids like a champ. She's on stage 2 foods, and I have begun the weaning process. I was hoping to nurse for a year, but I have officially given myself permission to let go of the guilt! My work schedule is nuts, and I often have back-to-back meetings from 8-5. It's hard enough to get away to grab any food, let alone run to the bathroom and pump. This juggling act was making me absolutely BATTY, so this week I went down to pumping just once per day, and next week I will not pump at all. This equates to sending formula to daycare along with the solids, and I'll continue to nurse in the morning/evening as long as it feels right or when my milk supply dimishes, whichever comes first. As soon as my husband and I discussed this and decided we'd start weaning, I felt this incredible weight lift off my shoulders. I have truly loved nursing my baby, and feeling the unique emotions that come from having the ability to feed and nourish her. But along with nursing comes an incredible amount of responsibility and work. Now that she's taking in a lot of food, her milk intake is decreasing as well. Considering all of the above, it just feels right, and I'm excited to reclaim my body and indulge in an occasional glass of wine again!
K is turning out to be quite the chatty patty. She's constantly practicing new sounds, and her voice is absolutely adorable. It seems like she's enjoying this new part of herself so much that she even mumbles in her sleep, almost like she's still practicing. We've taken many, many videos of her jabbering away, and it'll be so precious to show her these videos when she gets a little older. And I'm sure mom and dad will get a kick out of it, too.
We're about to spend a ton of money...we owe several thousand dollars to Uncle S@m this year (ugh), an unexpected expense came up that will also cost several thousand dollars, and we need to buy K 2 convertible car seats. She has finally outgrown her infant carrier, and I really do consider us lucky that she's lasted in it this long. But since hubby and I both have cars and take her to daycare, we need to buy 2 car seats, which will probably run us close to 700 smackeroos. Will probably go buy them today or tomorrow. On the upside, I've been wanting to graduate to this next step for awhile now, as the baby is getting really heavy carrying her in the infant carseat. And I haven't really seen more shapely biceps develop as a result ;)
Speaking of biceps, I'm finally starting to embark on a workout routine again. I never thought it'd take me this long post-delivery to get on a regular routine, but I also never knew how much busier our lives would become, especially juggling work and a family. But alas, that is the plight of all working families...I'm excited to get active and rediscover the joys of a fit and trim bod. I'm actually 10 pounds lighter than I was before I got pregnant, but my stomach pooches so much I still look about 4 months pregnant. I can hide it pretty well by wearing the right kinds of tops, but I'm sick of having the majority of my wardrobe not look good on me. I have purchased some new clothes so I wouldn't be completely depressed (you've gotta have SOME stuff that looks good on you), but I think it'll be a lot cheaper if I just re-sculpt my baby pooch...
We'll that's a pretty good summary of how life is these days. I'm gonna go browse some of your blogs now and comment where I can - my ability to hit up all blogs and comment will be a function of how long the baby sleeps ;) Hope everyone enjoys the Spring - it's always been such a season of hope and renewal for me; perhaps it is for you as well.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
A Bit Worried
"I want it all...I want it all...I want it all...I want it now!" I don't know who sings that song, but the lyrics are running through my head as I fret at the latest development in my dIUI-driven life.
I don't know what made me do it, but I thought I'd check today on the availability of sperm from the donor we used to get pregnant with K. There I went back to the website, dutifully entering the donor number that has been forever etched into my memory. To my horror, I saw big, red, bold text that practically shouted the message at me - NO MORE VIALS AVAILABLE. CALL FOR MORE INFORMATION!! Crap, crap, crap...what the hell do we do now???
After I took a few moments to calm my heart-rate down, I phoned and spoke to a woman who ended up being pretty cool. Here's the deal: they actually have about 20 vials available, but they're in quarantine because the donor hasn't come in for his 3-month blood tests. He's been overdue since October 2007, and although they've tried to reach him, no dice so far. She reassured me that they'd call me as soon as this is resolved so I can purchase more vials. I plan on buying more as soon as I hear from them and will just pay the storage fee to keep them at my RE's office. I actually have 1 vial in storage with them already, as I purchased 6 vials from the first round of TTC and it took me 5 to get pregnant.
So I'm a bit worried about this whole situation. Although it's technically possible to get pregnant with the 1 vial, that is just way too much pressure and hope to put on 1 little vial of swimmers (and on me). Shit, this is freaking me out. Need to calm down. Don't call hubby, just inform him on this latest development in a calm and deliberate manner at an opportune moment in the next day or so. Lest he sees the sheer panic in my eyes.
One thing that I hope works in my favor is the human element. Before I hung up with the lady from the sperm bank, I thanked her for investigating all this for me, and ended the call with "...our daughter is absolutely beautiful, and although my husband was uneasy with utilizing donor sperm, he could not imagine his life without her now...we really want a second child who will be her true sibling..." I think the lady took pause, and I could hear her voice soften. Perhaps this will help her take that extra step to hunt down this donor and make him give some blood just to release the current inventory of vials. Even if he doesn't want to become an active donor again, I hope he's willing to take the time to get cleared and open up the supply on stuff he's already contributed. If only I could get to him myself, I'm sure I could craft a message that has the right balance of emotion, pleading, and charm that would give him the drive to just do this one thing...
Sigh...
In other news, K is 6 months old already! I report this with a certain degree of nostalgia, as I can not believe that she is halfway to the 1-year mark. My little girl has fascinated me in so many ways, and just charms the pants off everyone who meets her! My husband now proclaims that he would like another girl as he is so in love with the one we have been fortunate enough to be blessed with. She just makes him absolutely giddy and goofy at the same time, and the things he does for her...well, it just makes my heart melt.
Sorry I haven't posted in a while - life has been going at 100mph and it doesn't appear as if things will let up in the foreseeable future. In the meantime I will try to visit and comment on blogs today, but if I don't get to yours - I promise I will! You are all in my thoughts, as always...
I don't know what made me do it, but I thought I'd check today on the availability of sperm from the donor we used to get pregnant with K. There I went back to the website, dutifully entering the donor number that has been forever etched into my memory. To my horror, I saw big, red, bold text that practically shouted the message at me - NO MORE VIALS AVAILABLE. CALL FOR MORE INFORMATION!! Crap, crap, crap...what the hell do we do now???
After I took a few moments to calm my heart-rate down, I phoned and spoke to a woman who ended up being pretty cool. Here's the deal: they actually have about 20 vials available, but they're in quarantine because the donor hasn't come in for his 3-month blood tests. He's been overdue since October 2007, and although they've tried to reach him, no dice so far. She reassured me that they'd call me as soon as this is resolved so I can purchase more vials. I plan on buying more as soon as I hear from them and will just pay the storage fee to keep them at my RE's office. I actually have 1 vial in storage with them already, as I purchased 6 vials from the first round of TTC and it took me 5 to get pregnant.
So I'm a bit worried about this whole situation. Although it's technically possible to get pregnant with the 1 vial, that is just way too much pressure and hope to put on 1 little vial of swimmers (and on me). Shit, this is freaking me out. Need to calm down. Don't call hubby, just inform him on this latest development in a calm and deliberate manner at an opportune moment in the next day or so. Lest he sees the sheer panic in my eyes.
One thing that I hope works in my favor is the human element. Before I hung up with the lady from the sperm bank, I thanked her for investigating all this for me, and ended the call with "...our daughter is absolutely beautiful, and although my husband was uneasy with utilizing donor sperm, he could not imagine his life without her now...we really want a second child who will be her true sibling..." I think the lady took pause, and I could hear her voice soften. Perhaps this will help her take that extra step to hunt down this donor and make him give some blood just to release the current inventory of vials. Even if he doesn't want to become an active donor again, I hope he's willing to take the time to get cleared and open up the supply on stuff he's already contributed. If only I could get to him myself, I'm sure I could craft a message that has the right balance of emotion, pleading, and charm that would give him the drive to just do this one thing...
Sigh...
In other news, K is 6 months old already! I report this with a certain degree of nostalgia, as I can not believe that she is halfway to the 1-year mark. My little girl has fascinated me in so many ways, and just charms the pants off everyone who meets her! My husband now proclaims that he would like another girl as he is so in love with the one we have been fortunate enough to be blessed with. She just makes him absolutely giddy and goofy at the same time, and the things he does for her...well, it just makes my heart melt.
Sorry I haven't posted in a while - life has been going at 100mph and it doesn't appear as if things will let up in the foreseeable future. In the meantime I will try to visit and comment on blogs today, but if I don't get to yours - I promise I will! You are all in my thoughts, as always...
Friday, January 25, 2008
Two Things - 1 Serious, 1 Not
Now that I'm back to work, I'm back to my old routine of listening to the radio while I get ready for my day. This is, of course, only on the days when hubby takes K to daycare and allows me to get in a full shower and primp. Those days are lovely...you'll never realize how prized showers are until you become a mother!
So anyway, there are a couple topics that have been discussed on the radio lately that I've been chewing on. One topic is serious, and the other is just fun. Let's start with the serious one.
I'm sure everyone has heard by now about Heath Ledger's death. I'm the type of gal who is so-so into celebrity news. I don't follow it religiously, but do enjoy thumbing through a Pe0ple magazine if I have a long flight and want some light entertainment. I was saddened about the news just as I'd be saddened to hear about anyone's death, and perhaps mildly more interested in this case because of his celebrity status. What stunned me was that people are actually planning on protesting at his funeral because of his portrayal of a gay man in Br0keb@ck M0ut@in. You can read an article about this here. WTF? Is this for real?? I'm not going to get into a long dissertation on how acinine this is, but seriously folks, get over it and leave it alone so his family and friends can properly honor and remember him. Enough said.
On a lighter note...another topic recently discussed on the radio is what has now been dubbed a "dream grudge". It's when someone you know wrongs you in your dream (your spouse cheats on you, your best friends lies to you, etc.), and you end up getting mad at them for it in real life! I thought this was flippin' hysterical because I've been known to hold a dream grudge against poor hubby for cheating on me - several times! Of course I know he didn't do it for real, so my grudge is completely unfair. But the dream seemed so REAL that my resulting hurt feelings are real as well. Makes me laugh again just thinking about it.
So to end a Friday post - what are your thoughts on either of the above topics?
So anyway, there are a couple topics that have been discussed on the radio lately that I've been chewing on. One topic is serious, and the other is just fun. Let's start with the serious one.
I'm sure everyone has heard by now about Heath Ledger's death. I'm the type of gal who is so-so into celebrity news. I don't follow it religiously, but do enjoy thumbing through a Pe0ple magazine if I have a long flight and want some light entertainment. I was saddened about the news just as I'd be saddened to hear about anyone's death, and perhaps mildly more interested in this case because of his celebrity status. What stunned me was that people are actually planning on protesting at his funeral because of his portrayal of a gay man in Br0keb@ck M0ut@in. You can read an article about this here. WTF? Is this for real?? I'm not going to get into a long dissertation on how acinine this is, but seriously folks, get over it and leave it alone so his family and friends can properly honor and remember him. Enough said.
On a lighter note...another topic recently discussed on the radio is what has now been dubbed a "dream grudge". It's when someone you know wrongs you in your dream (your spouse cheats on you, your best friends lies to you, etc.), and you end up getting mad at them for it in real life! I thought this was flippin' hysterical because I've been known to hold a dream grudge against poor hubby for cheating on me - several times! Of course I know he didn't do it for real, so my grudge is completely unfair. But the dream seemed so REAL that my resulting hurt feelings are real as well. Makes me laugh again just thinking about it.
So to end a Friday post - what are your thoughts on either of the above topics?
Monday, January 07, 2008
Two Years Later
This post has been a long time coming. The thoughts I'm about to share have been swirling around in my head for quite some time, but they weren't ready to put on paper yet. I hadn't yet had enough of the experiences, felt enough of the emotions, witnessed what I have. But I feel like I'm at a point where I would like to share, and what better a circle than to share it with all of you, my blog buddies.
My husband and I found out about his azoospermia over two years ago. When we found out, we'd been TTC for over a year. We figured we should get some tests done, and I actually thought we'd find an issue on my side. While we did find that I had a blocked fallopian tube, everything else was a-ok.
I can still remember when my husband told me the news. There we were, standing in our master bathroom. I'd just come home, and walked into the room to see my husband hunched over his sink, shoulders looking so very defeated. I had no idea what was wrong, and the silence was killing me. Once he told me, I was speechless. How can you have no sperm? Nada? Zip? WTF??? What does this even mean?
We spent the next year dealing with our grief. After much research and doctor's visits, we had now faced the grim reality that we'd never have a biological child together. While I was all for the donor sperm route, hubby was less than thrilled about the idea. Because he didn't have a lot of experience with babies and children, it took him a long time to even agree to start a family. Now that we knew a child born from donor sperm would not be his to claim biologically, he had huge concerns that he'd be able to love such a child as his own. To him, it was different loving a child born out of DI than loving a child that was adopted. At least an adopted one had neither of our genes, and you could be completely open about it with very little social stigma.
Finally, he agreed to utilize donor sperm. He wanted the child to have my genes even though he couldn't contribute his own. But he still had some very real fears about his ability to love a child that wasn't biologically his. I didn't push him, but I knew he had these thoughts. We went to a counseling session before we started down the path, as the RE's office required it. The session did not help as much as I'd hoped, but at least we had a good dialogue about it all. So we continued down the path; him, nervously hoping for the best and fearing the worst, and me, just hoping for the best.
Then I got pregnant! He was truly happy for the news when we received it, I really believe that. Throughout my pregnancy, we'd have occasional talks about how he was feeling. And although he still had some anxiety and fear, he was in it to win it. And I continued to hope for the best.
Then, I had the baby. And she was absolutely beautiful. People commented on how much she looked like hubby, and we'd just smile at each other. And I continued to hope for the best, because I knew this was just the beginning, that my husband still had a lot to get past. And then a wonderful thing happened.
I'd had a scheduled c-section due to placenta previa, so had to leave much of the baby care in the hospital to hubby. I just focused on resting and learning how to breastfeed, and hubby did everything else. In a period of 3 days, he got countless lessons on diapering, swaddling, and soothing our baby girl. And a bond began to appear, right before my eyes. Then we brought her home, and it continued. My husband began to marvel at how beautiful she was, and would delight in his ability to soothe her like only he could.
Our baby is almost five months old now, and I can honestly say that she is the apple of my husband's eye. He absolutely swoons over her in an adorable, sheepish kind of way. Yet he is not embarrassed about it. As a matter of fact, he is the picture of the adoring father who can not have enough photos of his baby girl to show off to whomever will take the time to look.
We still get comments from people that she looks like him or like me. He takes it all in stride, and jokes that he's glad she looks so much like her mom. I think it'll always bother him to a certain extent that he does not have a biological connection; this I cannot deny. But what I can say with absolute certainty is that he loves our child with all his heart, more deeply than he could have ever imagined. All those questions of whether he'd be able to bond with her are questions no more. He would do anything for her, and she is daddy's little girl.
Two years later, many questions have been answered. And I'm so looking forward to seeing what comes next.
My husband and I found out about his azoospermia over two years ago. When we found out, we'd been TTC for over a year. We figured we should get some tests done, and I actually thought we'd find an issue on my side. While we did find that I had a blocked fallopian tube, everything else was a-ok.
I can still remember when my husband told me the news. There we were, standing in our master bathroom. I'd just come home, and walked into the room to see my husband hunched over his sink, shoulders looking so very defeated. I had no idea what was wrong, and the silence was killing me. Once he told me, I was speechless. How can you have no sperm? Nada? Zip? WTF??? What does this even mean?
We spent the next year dealing with our grief. After much research and doctor's visits, we had now faced the grim reality that we'd never have a biological child together. While I was all for the donor sperm route, hubby was less than thrilled about the idea. Because he didn't have a lot of experience with babies and children, it took him a long time to even agree to start a family. Now that we knew a child born from donor sperm would not be his to claim biologically, he had huge concerns that he'd be able to love such a child as his own. To him, it was different loving a child born out of DI than loving a child that was adopted. At least an adopted one had neither of our genes, and you could be completely open about it with very little social stigma.
Finally, he agreed to utilize donor sperm. He wanted the child to have my genes even though he couldn't contribute his own. But he still had some very real fears about his ability to love a child that wasn't biologically his. I didn't push him, but I knew he had these thoughts. We went to a counseling session before we started down the path, as the RE's office required it. The session did not help as much as I'd hoped, but at least we had a good dialogue about it all. So we continued down the path; him, nervously hoping for the best and fearing the worst, and me, just hoping for the best.
Then I got pregnant! He was truly happy for the news when we received it, I really believe that. Throughout my pregnancy, we'd have occasional talks about how he was feeling. And although he still had some anxiety and fear, he was in it to win it. And I continued to hope for the best.
Then, I had the baby. And she was absolutely beautiful. People commented on how much she looked like hubby, and we'd just smile at each other. And I continued to hope for the best, because I knew this was just the beginning, that my husband still had a lot to get past. And then a wonderful thing happened.
I'd had a scheduled c-section due to placenta previa, so had to leave much of the baby care in the hospital to hubby. I just focused on resting and learning how to breastfeed, and hubby did everything else. In a period of 3 days, he got countless lessons on diapering, swaddling, and soothing our baby girl. And a bond began to appear, right before my eyes. Then we brought her home, and it continued. My husband began to marvel at how beautiful she was, and would delight in his ability to soothe her like only he could.
Our baby is almost five months old now, and I can honestly say that she is the apple of my husband's eye. He absolutely swoons over her in an adorable, sheepish kind of way. Yet he is not embarrassed about it. As a matter of fact, he is the picture of the adoring father who can not have enough photos of his baby girl to show off to whomever will take the time to look.
We still get comments from people that she looks like him or like me. He takes it all in stride, and jokes that he's glad she looks so much like her mom. I think it'll always bother him to a certain extent that he does not have a biological connection; this I cannot deny. But what I can say with absolute certainty is that he loves our child with all his heart, more deeply than he could have ever imagined. All those questions of whether he'd be able to bond with her are questions no more. He would do anything for her, and she is daddy's little girl.
Two years later, many questions have been answered. And I'm so looking forward to seeing what comes next.
Friday, January 04, 2008
A New Year
Let me start off my first post of 2008 with some happy news - April at Life is Beautiful is the proud mommy of twins! And Nina at stella and/or ben is the proud mommy of a baby girl! Yeah!!!
Lots been going on with me. First off, the holidays were great. This was baby's first Christmas, and very special for us. Our families just ate her up, and were rewarded by all the smiles and chuckles she bestowed upon them.
I went back to work this week, and along with that came baby's introduction to daycare. I was actually ready to return to work and re-enter the adult world that isn't consumed by babies 100% of the time. I was feeling really confident in my dual decision to return to work and put K (I'll now refer to the baby as K from here on out) in daycare, right up until the night before. Hubby and I were getting her things together, labeling her clothes, getting bottles ready, etc....when it just hit me. Was I being a horrible Mom? Should I feel guilty that I wanted to go back to work? Was K going to be ok in daycare? Would she be able to take naps? She's a light sleeper at home, how would she do in this new, noisy environment? Would she take the bottle from them? She's been exclusively breastfed since birth, and has been very on-again, off-again with the bottle as of late. It doesn't help that she got her first cold last week, so the congestion made her REALLY upset at even the sight of the bottle. With all these thoughts swirling around in my head, I looked at her sweet, smiling face, and broke down. Through the sobs, my rock of a husband was wonderful, and talked me down, so to speak. He said all the comforting words I needed to hear, and we got over it and finished our preparations.
I had one more crying jag in the shower the next morning, when hubby brought K over to say hi to me through the shower doors. She just looked so warm and content in his loving arms, and I felt like I was sending her out into a cold, lonely world.
We all went to the daycare center together, and once I got there, I remembered how much I truly liked this center when we decided on it some months back. The center director greeted us at the reception desk and personally attended to all the little details to get us settled in. I was both grateful and impressed at this personal attention she gave us, especially since the office and the infant room was super-chaotic. She even called me at lunchtime (I was going to call for an update after lunch) just to let us know how wonderfully K was doing! She'd already taken a nap and a full bottle, woo hoo! Yesterday she slept even better, and continued to do well, taking all of her bottles. She really enjoyed the nursery rhymes, and laughed while they were singing. Ah, my baby K. She is just so cool.
So this week couldn't have gone much better than it has, really. I think 2008 is going to be a really good year.
Lots been going on with me. First off, the holidays were great. This was baby's first Christmas, and very special for us. Our families just ate her up, and were rewarded by all the smiles and chuckles she bestowed upon them.
I went back to work this week, and along with that came baby's introduction to daycare. I was actually ready to return to work and re-enter the adult world that isn't consumed by babies 100% of the time. I was feeling really confident in my dual decision to return to work and put K (I'll now refer to the baby as K from here on out) in daycare, right up until the night before. Hubby and I were getting her things together, labeling her clothes, getting bottles ready, etc....when it just hit me. Was I being a horrible Mom? Should I feel guilty that I wanted to go back to work? Was K going to be ok in daycare? Would she be able to take naps? She's a light sleeper at home, how would she do in this new, noisy environment? Would she take the bottle from them? She's been exclusively breastfed since birth, and has been very on-again, off-again with the bottle as of late. It doesn't help that she got her first cold last week, so the congestion made her REALLY upset at even the sight of the bottle. With all these thoughts swirling around in my head, I looked at her sweet, smiling face, and broke down. Through the sobs, my rock of a husband was wonderful, and talked me down, so to speak. He said all the comforting words I needed to hear, and we got over it and finished our preparations.
I had one more crying jag in the shower the next morning, when hubby brought K over to say hi to me through the shower doors. She just looked so warm and content in his loving arms, and I felt like I was sending her out into a cold, lonely world.
We all went to the daycare center together, and once I got there, I remembered how much I truly liked this center when we decided on it some months back. The center director greeted us at the reception desk and personally attended to all the little details to get us settled in. I was both grateful and impressed at this personal attention she gave us, especially since the office and the infant room was super-chaotic. She even called me at lunchtime (I was going to call for an update after lunch) just to let us know how wonderfully K was doing! She'd already taken a nap and a full bottle, woo hoo! Yesterday she slept even better, and continued to do well, taking all of her bottles. She really enjoyed the nursery rhymes, and laughed while they were singing. Ah, my baby K. She is just so cool.
So this week couldn't have gone much better than it has, really. I think 2008 is going to be a really good year.
Monday, December 03, 2007
A Moment to Exhale
My girl was wonderful today. She's getting easier to handle by the day, knock on wood. She's still a bit of an intermittent napper; some days she takes lovely, long naps, and other days they're quite short and infrequent (making for a cranky baby). However, she is a great sleeper at night. Usually goes down by 6pm, and tonight she put herself to sleep, precluded by a long and adorable session of babbling to the bears in her mobile and the mirror in her crib. So I actually have a moment to blog, research Christmas gifts, and exhale...
I'm in the last month of maternity leave, and I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I am really looking forward to going back to work. I crave the mental stimulation and social interaction with other adults. And let's be honest, people - I look forward to going back to a dual income. But on the other hand...as the above paragraph explained, my baby is starting to become a real joy as she matures and has seemingly out-grown her colicky stage. She'll be going to a wonderful daycare center, which I also have mixed feelings about. It has a wonderful curriculum and learning opportunities above-and-beyond your typical center, and I think the socialization benefits she'll gain will prepare her well for school. But I hate that someone else is raising her during the day. My current feeling is that this is the best route to go, as it will allow me to remain a well-rounded individual which will help make me the best mother and wife I can be.
So my current "thing" is getting ready for Christmas. We debated about putting up a tree this year, especially on the days that I was real exhausted from the baby. We decided to go for it this weekend, and I'm so glad we did. The tree is done, and looks so lovely. Of course the baby loves looking at the lights, and was a great audience while I decorated. She enjoyed sitting on the couch and watching me work...I didn't go all out on the holiday decor, but what I did do I am really pleased with. I'm just waiting for the holiday stockings to arrive in the mail, and it'll all be complete.
Well hubby just got home so I'm signing off for now...
I'm in the last month of maternity leave, and I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I am really looking forward to going back to work. I crave the mental stimulation and social interaction with other adults. And let's be honest, people - I look forward to going back to a dual income. But on the other hand...as the above paragraph explained, my baby is starting to become a real joy as she matures and has seemingly out-grown her colicky stage. She'll be going to a wonderful daycare center, which I also have mixed feelings about. It has a wonderful curriculum and learning opportunities above-and-beyond your typical center, and I think the socialization benefits she'll gain will prepare her well for school. But I hate that someone else is raising her during the day. My current feeling is that this is the best route to go, as it will allow me to remain a well-rounded individual which will help make me the best mother and wife I can be.
So my current "thing" is getting ready for Christmas. We debated about putting up a tree this year, especially on the days that I was real exhausted from the baby. We decided to go for it this weekend, and I'm so glad we did. The tree is done, and looks so lovely. Of course the baby loves looking at the lights, and was a great audience while I decorated. She enjoyed sitting on the couch and watching me work...I didn't go all out on the holiday decor, but what I did do I am really pleased with. I'm just waiting for the holiday stockings to arrive in the mail, and it'll all be complete.
Well hubby just got home so I'm signing off for now...
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Motherhood is...
...so many things. I can now relate to stories about children in a whole new way. When I watch shows on TV and see children suffering/sick/[insert horrible condition here], my heart aches. I used to watch those stories and feel tip-of-the-iceberg empathy for the parents, but now I really feel pain as I imagine, "what if that was my daughter..." In such cases, motherhood is gut-wrenching.
Kiwi was particularly fussy yesterday, close to how she was in the early days when she was pretty dang near inconsolable. Rather than cry (which I did in the early days out of sheer frustration and panic), I got really frustrated...and even angry. Angry that my husband was at work and had the "easy" job. Angry that I couldn't figure out how to console her. And angry because I need a break from this little girl who looks like an absolute cherub when she wakes up in the morning with the most peaceful, pleasant, toothless grin I've ever laid eyes on. In these moments, motherhood is maddening.
The baby has been sleeping fairly well at night (usually the first stretch lasts 6 hours, and sometimes even 7 or 8), but is not the best napper. Her longest nap today was an hour, then she'd be happy for about 15 minutes, and take 45 minutes to put down for another short nap. She's almost slept for an hour now, and I'm hoping it lasts just a little longer so I can finish this post. I've been scouring the internet for articles on how to help babies nap longer/better, and my eyes hurt from all the reading. Will also ask the pediatrician for advice at her well-baby visit this week (wish us well, she's getting her first round of immunizations). So lately (ok, since Kiwi was born), motherhood has been an ongoing experience in education, trial and error, and experience. It pisses me off that so much of the "professional" advice out there is conflicting, but I guess every child is different, yada, yada, yada.
When I have these issues with the baby, my husband is helpful in his own way. He is a wonderful, doting father who loves this child more deeply than I had dared to hope. He (and consequently I) was worried about his ability to bond since we went the DI route, but has formed a lovely attachment to this little girl that makes my heart swell. He wears his heart on his sleeve for her, and tells her that she's "stolen daddy's heart". But oh, how I wish he could be more of a chick sometimes. When baby has issues, he's all over the place. He reads up on infant care and does have some clever gems once in a while. But he is just so typically male sometimes, it is infuriating, especially when I'm already taking on the majority of childcare and am still sleep-deprived. In times like these, motherhood feels isolating. My husband is my best friend, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. So it makes me feel alone.
Let's end this post on a positive note, shall we? My baby girl is going to be 3 months old next week, and I really do think she is one of the cutest babies I've ever seen. So without further ado (and I know this is way overdue, no pun intended), here she is:
*** PICTURE REMOVED ***
11/27/07: Sorry folks, paranoia has set in and I've decided to remove the picture. I don't want someone we know to stumble across it, and I also don't want to go password-protected. I've received quite a few emails from folks dealing with azoospermia, and my story has given them a bit of hope. So I want to keep this site public for them, and future people who may come across this blog. THANKS for the people who did comment on her picture - it meant a lot!
Kiwi was particularly fussy yesterday, close to how she was in the early days when she was pretty dang near inconsolable. Rather than cry (which I did in the early days out of sheer frustration and panic), I got really frustrated...and even angry. Angry that my husband was at work and had the "easy" job. Angry that I couldn't figure out how to console her. And angry because I need a break from this little girl who looks like an absolute cherub when she wakes up in the morning with the most peaceful, pleasant, toothless grin I've ever laid eyes on. In these moments, motherhood is maddening.
The baby has been sleeping fairly well at night (usually the first stretch lasts 6 hours, and sometimes even 7 or 8), but is not the best napper. Her longest nap today was an hour, then she'd be happy for about 15 minutes, and take 45 minutes to put down for another short nap. She's almost slept for an hour now, and I'm hoping it lasts just a little longer so I can finish this post. I've been scouring the internet for articles on how to help babies nap longer/better, and my eyes hurt from all the reading. Will also ask the pediatrician for advice at her well-baby visit this week (wish us well, she's getting her first round of immunizations). So lately (ok, since Kiwi was born), motherhood has been an ongoing experience in education, trial and error, and experience. It pisses me off that so much of the "professional" advice out there is conflicting, but I guess every child is different, yada, yada, yada.
When I have these issues with the baby, my husband is helpful in his own way. He is a wonderful, doting father who loves this child more deeply than I had dared to hope. He (and consequently I) was worried about his ability to bond since we went the DI route, but has formed a lovely attachment to this little girl that makes my heart swell. He wears his heart on his sleeve for her, and tells her that she's "stolen daddy's heart". But oh, how I wish he could be more of a chick sometimes. When baby has issues, he's all over the place. He reads up on infant care and does have some clever gems once in a while. But he is just so typically male sometimes, it is infuriating, especially when I'm already taking on the majority of childcare and am still sleep-deprived. In times like these, motherhood feels isolating. My husband is my best friend, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. So it makes me feel alone.
Let's end this post on a positive note, shall we? My baby girl is going to be 3 months old next week, and I really do think she is one of the cutest babies I've ever seen. So without further ado (and I know this is way overdue, no pun intended), here she is:
*** PICTURE REMOVED ***
11/27/07: Sorry folks, paranoia has set in and I've decided to remove the picture. I don't want someone we know to stumble across it, and I also don't want to go password-protected. I've received quite a few emails from folks dealing with azoospermia, and my story has given them a bit of hope. So I want to keep this site public for them, and future people who may come across this blog. THANKS for the people who did comment on her picture - it meant a lot!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
A Strange Phenomenon
Sorry it's been awhile since my last post; my baby girl keeps me quite busy!
So last night I experienced a strange phenomenon...I felt this aching sensation on the left side of my girly parts. It was oddly familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. Oh! I'm about to ovulate! How quickly we forget, huh? I also had EWCM a few days ago, so I should've realized what the pain was sooner. All I can say is I've get a pretty foggy head ever since I had the baby. My memory is shot, and my mind is often 10 thoughts behind where it should be. My husband has laughed out loud on several occasions when he's asked me a question and been met by a totally dumb, deer-in-the-headlights expression on my face. I am surprised that the plumbing is getting back into working order so quickly, especially since I'm breastfeeding exclusively. I know, you can still ovulate and get pregnant while breastfeeding; I just thought it'd take longer than 2 months post-partum.
Things are progressing well on the baby front. Kiwi is now almost 10 weeks old, and her reflux has improved quite a bit on the meds. I was actually able to lay her flat to sleep last night! These past several weeks she would either sleep in her car-seat during the night, or in her swing or bouncer during the day to keep her inclined and stop her stomach contents from coming up. However, although her reflux has improved, her new problem is gas. She gets it often after a feeding, but sometimes not for an hour or so later. It's so bad I can hear her stomach gurgling, and feel all the gas bubbles as well. I spoke to the pediatrician today, who said it's just a part of the lovely reflux issue. He said to give her Mylic0n as often as every 2 hours if she needs it. I may try this gripe water called C0lic C@lm, which the doc said was safe, and is supposed to relieve gas/colic.
Other than the reflux and gas, Kiwi is now in a super-fun stage - she coos, makes lots of direct eye contact, and has real smiles! Sometimes when I pick her up for her night-time feeding she will just stare at me with the cutest smile on her face...almost coyly. I try not to give her a lot of stimulation at night so she'll go back to sleep quickly, but sometimes I just can't resist and smile right on back. It's just too cute...
Well, baby calls - so I have to cut this post short. Will update again soon as time permits!
So last night I experienced a strange phenomenon...I felt this aching sensation on the left side of my girly parts. It was oddly familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. Oh! I'm about to ovulate! How quickly we forget, huh? I also had EWCM a few days ago, so I should've realized what the pain was sooner. All I can say is I've get a pretty foggy head ever since I had the baby. My memory is shot, and my mind is often 10 thoughts behind where it should be. My husband has laughed out loud on several occasions when he's asked me a question and been met by a totally dumb, deer-in-the-headlights expression on my face. I am surprised that the plumbing is getting back into working order so quickly, especially since I'm breastfeeding exclusively. I know, you can still ovulate and get pregnant while breastfeeding; I just thought it'd take longer than 2 months post-partum.
Things are progressing well on the baby front. Kiwi is now almost 10 weeks old, and her reflux has improved quite a bit on the meds. I was actually able to lay her flat to sleep last night! These past several weeks she would either sleep in her car-seat during the night, or in her swing or bouncer during the day to keep her inclined and stop her stomach contents from coming up. However, although her reflux has improved, her new problem is gas. She gets it often after a feeding, but sometimes not for an hour or so later. It's so bad I can hear her stomach gurgling, and feel all the gas bubbles as well. I spoke to the pediatrician today, who said it's just a part of the lovely reflux issue. He said to give her Mylic0n as often as every 2 hours if she needs it. I may try this gripe water called C0lic C@lm, which the doc said was safe, and is supposed to relieve gas/colic.
Other than the reflux and gas, Kiwi is now in a super-fun stage - she coos, makes lots of direct eye contact, and has real smiles! Sometimes when I pick her up for her night-time feeding she will just stare at me with the cutest smile on her face...almost coyly. I try not to give her a lot of stimulation at night so she'll go back to sleep quickly, but sometimes I just can't resist and smile right on back. It's just too cute...
Well, baby calls - so I have to cut this post short. Will update again soon as time permits!
Monday, October 01, 2007
The Reflux (ok, bad pun on the old Dur@n Dur@n song)
Wow, my baby girl is 6 weeks old! So much has been happening, and we've learned a ton...
What I originally thought was a milk allergy was in fact reflux. Apparently all babies have some degree of reflux, which is what causes spit-up. However, some babies have it to a greater extent, which makes them really uncomfortable as the acids in their stomach come back up, and this even interferes with their sleep and possibly weight gain (this wasn't an issue with my girl). She would also fuss quite a bit during and after feedings, arching her back and howling like she was in a great deal of pain (which I believe she was). The crying was getting to be so intense, often, and prolonged that we uttered the dreaded words...was it colic? And she couldn't sleep longer than 1.5 hours at a time during the day and night, when previously she took beautiful naps - she'd wake up constantly from gagging and coughing, the poor thing. So off we went to the pediatrician, who diagnosed it as reflux and prescribed Prev@cid. I was in turmoil about giving my girl meds at such a young age, but after careful delibration with hubby, we decided it was worth it if it could ease her pain and allow her to rest.
She's been on the meds for just over a week, and we are seeing a difference. It's not 100%, but I understand this may take a week or two to see the full extent of the improvement. One wonderful tidbit to report - she's now "sleeping through the night", which, according to the docs that study this sort of thing equals any amount greater than 5 hours. She's sleeping for a 6 hour stretch, which means I only have to get up for one night-time feeding! She's also sleeping in her car seat so she'll be more upright, which seems to really keep things from backing up as well. I may try one of those special wedge pillows that holds baby at a 30 degree angle, but am not totally decided on that point yet. Baby was previously a very noisy sleeper (clearing her throat constantly, gagging, coughing), and now she now sleeps soundly and wakes up rested and happy!
Breastfeeding is going well now. My milk supply is well established, and I also pump milk for hubby to feed her sometimes or for when Grandma babysits. DH and I actually got away on a "date" last week, and it was great!
Ok, now for some total honestly. I love my girl. I didn't right away. Don't get me wrong, I knew that I would at some point. But in the early days and weeks, I didn't feel like I knew her, and I was so overwhelmed at recoving from the c-section and learning how to be a Mom that it was all I could handle to breastfeed, change diapers, eat, and sleep. I didn't know how to soothe her when her crying jags started (before we figured out it was reflux and brought her some relief). I was actually a bit scared of her, and wasn't willing to be left alone with her, to the chagrin of my husband. Now, I feel like her Mom, and I really, deeply love her. And her crying doesn't freak me out anymore. Certain of her cries actually make me laugh, and others just make me melt. And she's starting to smile, which is a whole other reward in and of itself. It feels like a pat on the back for getting this far. And she's starting to coo, and of course I'm pulling for her first words to be Mama :) So I feel like I can handle this parenting thing. At least today.
What I originally thought was a milk allergy was in fact reflux. Apparently all babies have some degree of reflux, which is what causes spit-up. However, some babies have it to a greater extent, which makes them really uncomfortable as the acids in their stomach come back up, and this even interferes with their sleep and possibly weight gain (this wasn't an issue with my girl). She would also fuss quite a bit during and after feedings, arching her back and howling like she was in a great deal of pain (which I believe she was). The crying was getting to be so intense, often, and prolonged that we uttered the dreaded words...was it colic? And she couldn't sleep longer than 1.5 hours at a time during the day and night, when previously she took beautiful naps - she'd wake up constantly from gagging and coughing, the poor thing. So off we went to the pediatrician, who diagnosed it as reflux and prescribed Prev@cid. I was in turmoil about giving my girl meds at such a young age, but after careful delibration with hubby, we decided it was worth it if it could ease her pain and allow her to rest.
She's been on the meds for just over a week, and we are seeing a difference. It's not 100%, but I understand this may take a week or two to see the full extent of the improvement. One wonderful tidbit to report - she's now "sleeping through the night", which, according to the docs that study this sort of thing equals any amount greater than 5 hours. She's sleeping for a 6 hour stretch, which means I only have to get up for one night-time feeding! She's also sleeping in her car seat so she'll be more upright, which seems to really keep things from backing up as well. I may try one of those special wedge pillows that holds baby at a 30 degree angle, but am not totally decided on that point yet. Baby was previously a very noisy sleeper (clearing her throat constantly, gagging, coughing), and now she now sleeps soundly and wakes up rested and happy!
Breastfeeding is going well now. My milk supply is well established, and I also pump milk for hubby to feed her sometimes or for when Grandma babysits. DH and I actually got away on a "date" last week, and it was great!
Ok, now for some total honestly. I love my girl. I didn't right away. Don't get me wrong, I knew that I would at some point. But in the early days and weeks, I didn't feel like I knew her, and I was so overwhelmed at recoving from the c-section and learning how to be a Mom that it was all I could handle to breastfeed, change diapers, eat, and sleep. I didn't know how to soothe her when her crying jags started (before we figured out it was reflux and brought her some relief). I was actually a bit scared of her, and wasn't willing to be left alone with her, to the chagrin of my husband. Now, I feel like her Mom, and I really, deeply love her. And her crying doesn't freak me out anymore. Certain of her cries actually make me laugh, and others just make me melt. And she's starting to smile, which is a whole other reward in and of itself. It feels like a pat on the back for getting this far. And she's starting to coo, and of course I'm pulling for her first words to be Mama :) So I feel like I can handle this parenting thing. At least today.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Baby Update
So I finally have a few moments to post a decent baby update! Kiwi is 3 weeks old today, and the time has flown by in a big blur...it definitely feels like it's been longer than 3 weeks, as she's gone through so many changes and we've learned so much.
The last several days have been tough; after the first several days after her birth, we though we'd settled into knowing our baby reasonably well and were attending to her various needs enough so that she was not doing a lot of crying anymore. In those early days I think we weren't feeding her enough because my milk supply hadn't come in fully and we weren't supplementing with formula yet. After we got over that hurdle and she surpassed her birth weight in under 2 weeks, we went back to just breastfeeding. I read how a breastfeeding mother's daily calcium requirement is 1000 mcg, so started to drink more milk and eat more dairy to get to that recommendation on food rather than just vitamin supplements. Well, I think my little girl has a milk allergy, because she got SUPER fussy and started to spit up a lot. This lasted for a couple days until I stopped with the dairy, and baby is back to her old self, nursing like a champ and only having minimal spit up.
The funny thing is, I had started to get pretty frustrated about breastfeeding and how much time it actually takes out of your day (not to mention the cracked, sore nipples I had to overcome). As I said in my previous post, I feel like a 24 hour lactaction station. Baby spends anywhere between 10 - 35 minutes per breastfeeding session, and by the time I get her diaper changed and down for a nap, it's practically time for her to eat again! She typically eats every 2-4 hours, but has already had a day where she cluster-fed; I think she was in the midst of her 3-week growth spurt. Then before we figured out the milk allergy, she would be very fussy at the breast, and come off and on the breast, and cry during the entire nursing session. This made for a very frustrated Mommy, and I was really at the end of my rope. My frustration culminated in a crying jag yesterday, as I felt quite helpless and out of ideas. Luckily, DH swooped in and took on baby duty for most of the day. I pumped my milk to empty my breasts in the afternoon, and by the evening feeding, baby was happy again. So I think the milk I'd had in the morning had worked itself out of my breastmilk by then.
Although I'd been having all these frustrations with breastfeeding, I can't tell you how relieved and thrilled I was to be able to nourish my little one again. And even though I didn't have any pumped milk in the fridge (meaning DH couldn't take one of the nighttime feedings), I was happy to get up for baby and feed her because of this breakthrough we'd had. I feel like we've had a success here, and am starting to enjoy breastfeeding more now. Baby is also becoming increasingly alert, and we look at each other more intently now when she nurses, which is more akin to what I was looking forward to when I'd read all the breastfeeding books and their promises of bonding, etc. Fingers crossed, I think we're on the right path with this now...
The last several days have been tough; after the first several days after her birth, we though we'd settled into knowing our baby reasonably well and were attending to her various needs enough so that she was not doing a lot of crying anymore. In those early days I think we weren't feeding her enough because my milk supply hadn't come in fully and we weren't supplementing with formula yet. After we got over that hurdle and she surpassed her birth weight in under 2 weeks, we went back to just breastfeeding. I read how a breastfeeding mother's daily calcium requirement is 1000 mcg, so started to drink more milk and eat more dairy to get to that recommendation on food rather than just vitamin supplements. Well, I think my little girl has a milk allergy, because she got SUPER fussy and started to spit up a lot. This lasted for a couple days until I stopped with the dairy, and baby is back to her old self, nursing like a champ and only having minimal spit up.
The funny thing is, I had started to get pretty frustrated about breastfeeding and how much time it actually takes out of your day (not to mention the cracked, sore nipples I had to overcome). As I said in my previous post, I feel like a 24 hour lactaction station. Baby spends anywhere between 10 - 35 minutes per breastfeeding session, and by the time I get her diaper changed and down for a nap, it's practically time for her to eat again! She typically eats every 2-4 hours, but has already had a day where she cluster-fed; I think she was in the midst of her 3-week growth spurt. Then before we figured out the milk allergy, she would be very fussy at the breast, and come off and on the breast, and cry during the entire nursing session. This made for a very frustrated Mommy, and I was really at the end of my rope. My frustration culminated in a crying jag yesterday, as I felt quite helpless and out of ideas. Luckily, DH swooped in and took on baby duty for most of the day. I pumped my milk to empty my breasts in the afternoon, and by the evening feeding, baby was happy again. So I think the milk I'd had in the morning had worked itself out of my breastmilk by then.
Although I'd been having all these frustrations with breastfeeding, I can't tell you how relieved and thrilled I was to be able to nourish my little one again. And even though I didn't have any pumped milk in the fridge (meaning DH couldn't take one of the nighttime feedings), I was happy to get up for baby and feed her because of this breakthrough we'd had. I feel like we've had a success here, and am starting to enjoy breastfeeding more now. Baby is also becoming increasingly alert, and we look at each other more intently now when she nurses, which is more akin to what I was looking forward to when I'd read all the breastfeeding books and their promises of bonding, etc. Fingers crossed, I think we're on the right path with this now...
Monday, September 03, 2007
Thanks for the Nod!
Wow - what a pleasant and totally unexpected surprise to see that I've been nominated twice as a Rockin' Girl Blogger!
Thanks go out to Trace and Nina - if you haven't checked out their blogs yet, I highly recommend you do so. They are both a couple of cook chicks with very interesting lives.
Here are some nominations from my camp:
Amanda at Manana Banana - Hers was the first blog I found that had to do with azoospermia and the utilization of donor sperm. It really gave me hope when I needed it most, and opened up this whole wonderful community of blogs to me. If she only knew how timely and helpful her blog was for me at a difficult time in my life...
Lucky #2 at Dreaming Minds - Great blog that I'm now following with interest as this mother dips her toes back into the working world - something I will be doing after the new year.
Chas at Sugar and Ice - This is a fun blog about motherhood to an adorable baby girl!
The following nominations are for folks whose blogs are password-protected. Sorry if you don't have access to their sites, but I didn't want to exclude them just because of that minor detail...
Beagle at Cats in the Cradle - Beagle is well on the path to adoption and is a strong, inspirational, candid woman whose path I have followed for quite some time. My fingers remain crossed for her and a short wait!
Dramalish at Baby Quest - Hers is another one of those early blogs that provided me with comfort when we first found out about DH's diagnosis. Plus she's an all-around cool chick who's provided tons of support to me and others out there.
Check out the above blogs, I think you'll like 'em.
Will post an update on life with the new baby soon...all I can say is that I'm tired, my back constantly hurts, I wish my c-section would heal quicker than it is, I feel like I'm a 24-hour breastfeeding machine...and my little baby is just precious. One look at her when she's awoken from a nap with those big eyes can make a tired Momma melt in a nanosecond...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)