Yes! We Have No Bananas...!

Why I Keep This Blog Public

2010-03-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

It's tempting to go private with this blog. I'd love to be able to share pictures of my daughter and family, but wouldn't risk doing so unless the blog was restricted. And I love being allowed the privilege of reading your private blogs, and sharing in your lives in a more intimate way.

However, from time to time, I receive emails from folks who've read my blog, can relate to it, and are in a similar situation. They ask me a lot of the same questions I had when I was first faced with the grim reality of azoospermia. They also ask me lots of questions about what to consider when going the DI route. Sometimes they just need a friend who understands what they're going through. It's amazing to me what the blogosphere has done for me, and what it allows me to offer others. This is why I keep my blog public, for all of you gals who might need it as a reference for your own lives, and who might get just a little bit of comfort knowing that someone else has gone through the same thing and come out the other side a pretty darn happy person. So please feel free to email me with questions. I don't check this account every day, but do check it regularly. I will respond to your email.

I'm glad to have gotten that off my chest. It's a topic I haven't really touched on during the lifespan of this blog, but has felt like a private side thing that I wanted to acknowledge.

In other pregnancy news...I'm still very tired and queasy. I'll be 11 weeks on Friday, and had my first OB appointment this week. It went well - they even did a quick ultrasound, and everything looked good with the baby. It's tough to juggle work with first-trimester pregnancy symptoms, but I get by. Luckily, I have a very supportive boss who I also consider a friend. I can't believe how much I'm showing already, but my OB assured me this is normal for a second pregnancy, what with the stretched out stomach muscles (lovely).

Question (please don't judge me) - is it possible to get a tummy tuck/lipo right after a c-section? I figure if I'm on the operating table anyway...would be fabulous to be able to get my tummy back in order!

A Good Update

2010-03-02T16:49:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted. After 2 unsuccessful IVF cycles to conceive with the original donor sperm that gave us our lovely daughter, we cut bait and switched donors.

The first time I purchased donor sperm, I only purchased 6 vials, and it took me 5 vials to get pregnant. I foolishly didn't think about purchasing more, and got screwed when we wanted to TTC again and I learned the donor had retired.

This time, I purchased 8 vials, and took 1 IUI cycle and 2 vials to get pregnant! Yes folks, I am 6 weeks pregnant as of last Friday, and we saw/heard the heartbeat at the RE's office yesterday.

I have all the usual symptoms I had last time...HUGE mood swings (...one minute, my husband is a complete buffoon, and the next minute, all is fine...), very sore boobs, sudden hunger attacks, morning/noon/night sickness. This time around, I also have an energetic toddler underfoot (she's 2.5 years old now - how did that happen??), and I am trying to teach her it's not ok to kick/head butt, or otherwise bring any force to Mommy's tummy. Wish me luck on that one. Otherwise, just color me tickled that we are on this journey once again, albeit the path was not a "typical" one.

Hope everyone is well.

I Must Be Crazy

2009-12-01T13:45:00.000-08:00

I must be crazy. I have an adorable little girl who gets cooler by the second. I have an amazing husband who absolutely loves our daughter but doesn't forget to devote time to "us". And I have a pretty darn cool dog to boot.

But alas, I want to keep torturing myself and my body so we can have another baby. Yes! I would LOVE to stick needles in my belly repeatedly until I run out of good spots. Yes! Give me more of that hormonal craziness otherwise known as Clomid! Yes! I love being on emotional roller-coasters - sign me up for a triple-dose!

I must be crazy, because I'm about to start all over again - this time with new donor sperm, cause we ran out of the other stuff and the donor probably graduated from college and has the financial means to not need to donate anymore. God give me strength.

No go

2009-06-30T16:05:00.000-07:00

Not pregnant, even though I really thought I was. I'm bummed.

Waiting on 2 Counts

2009-06-25T13:55:00.001-07:00

Since I was too lazy to write a thorough post the other day, I thought I'd come back and post a new entry so you all understand what's on the minds of DH and I. You see, we're waiting to see how this cycle goes on a couple of counts:

1. Are we pregnant?
2. If pregnant, is it 1 or 2?

You see, we transferred two embryos on the advice of our RE. This has us a bit nervous because the thought of twins is a little scary and overwhelming. Don't get me wrong - we would be happy with either 1 or 2, and will take whatever God gives. But at the same time, I'd be lying if I said my head didn't spin a bit at the thought of twins!

We should know the answer to question #1 on Tuesday, and question #2 at the 6/8 week ultrasound. Otherwise, they did have 1 embryo that they were able to freeze, so if this cycle doesn't pan out then we'll have 1 more shot! Stay tuned...

Transfer Complete

2009-06-22T18:07:00.000-07:00

The transfer didn't happen on Saturday, but occurred today instead. Other than being uncomfortable from having a full bladder, it was easy-peasy. We decided to transfer two embryos based on how they'd been graded, and now we'll just wait and see! My back is killing me, so this is going to be a short post so I can go lie down. I've also been having trouble sleeping; feels just like when I was at the end of my pregnancy and couldn't sleep - except I'm not even pregnant yet! I wonder if it's a side-effect of the progesterone and other assorted drugs (endometrum or something like that) they have me taking. Anybody know?

The Easter Egg Hunt was a Success

2009-06-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

The egg retrieval was yesterday, and it went really well. I was most nervous about the stinkin' IV, because I had a horrible experience with seasoned nurses not catching a vein prior to my c-section. They all shook their heads in confusion and tried to reassure me by saying "this has never happened to me...I can always hit a vein..." Needless to say, this didn't help the fact that they were poking me repeatedly in both arms, doing the fish-around with the needle (I HATE that), and still not having success. My arms were bruised for weeks.

Anyway, my RE happens to use this cool pre-numbing agent and I didn't even feel the needle go in. I was so excited about that! Once I got into the OR, I passed out almost immediately. Them's was some good drugs they gave me. Next thing I knew, I was back in the recovery room and not remembering a darn thing anyone was saying to me (hubby was pretty amused with this). The anesthesiologist (not sure if I spelled that right but too lazy to look it up) came in and told me things went well, they got all 8 follicles...I nodded and asked him how things went and how many eggs did they get? :)

I got a call this morning, and 7 were fertilized! So things are looking good and we're tentatively planning for a Day 3 transfer (Saturday).

I must say I am shocked at how many people have commented on my last post - it is so nice to see all my old friends! I still need to catch up with everyone to see how you're all doing, so please give me a few days to check in with all of you.

In the meantime, happy Thursday!

TTC - Round 2

2009-06-15T16:11:00.001-07:00

Well, we're going for baby #2, except this time we're doing IVF. I only had 1 via of donor sperm left, and of course the donor is no longer active. So to have a higher chance of conceiving a true sibling for my girl, we decided that IVF was the way to go. I've been stimming at morning and at night, and am on the schedule for the egg retrieval this Wednesday. I have 8 follicles, and we're tentatively targeting Saturday for the eggs to be transferred back.

I hope everyone is doing well!!! Would love updates on how you've all been!

Hanging Up The Keyboard

2008-06-01T16:16:00.000-07:00

For anyone who continues to check on my blog (I know my readership has steadily declined in direct proportion to the [in]frequency in which I've been posting), I've decided to stop this blog for now. I may post updates here and there, but the desire, and mostly the time, is no longer there for me to devote to this area of my life.

I'll continue to keep it online for newly crowned azoospermiacs who may decide to venture down the DI route, and would like a success story to reference. And will check email and reply to it as I'm able as well.

I'll continue to check in on my blog friends and keep up with how you're all doing. Perhaps I'll pick this up again if and when I decide to embark down this path again if we decide to go for baby #2.

Best wishes to all of my *virtual* friends!

It's Been Awhile

2008-04-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

Wow, can't believe the last time I posted was in February.

I find myself having a rare moment of calm...hubby's off doing some fun stuff with buddies, baby K is having her afternoon nap (the dog must be off snoozing somewhere too), and the house...is...quiet.

Things have been pretty "normal" as of late. Work continues to be really busy, and I get tons of stuff dumped on me by my boss. I really can't complain, though. I generally have a true fondness for many of the people I work with (including said boss), the stuff that gets dumped on me is intellectually stimulating, and I take home a pretty good paycheck. Ditto with hubby's situation.

K continues to grow every day, and she changes by leaps and bounds.

She's almost eight months old now, and eating solids like a champ. She's on stage 2 foods, and I have begun the weaning process. I was hoping to nurse for a year, but I have officially given myself permission to let go of the guilt! My work schedule is nuts, and I often have back-to-back meetings from 8-5. It's hard enough to get away to grab any food, let alone run to the bathroom and pump. This juggling act was making me absolutely BATTY, so this week I went down to pumping just once per day, and next week I will not pump at all. This equates to sending formula to daycare along with the solids, and I'll continue to nurse in the morning/evening as long as it feels right or when my milk supply dimishes, whichever comes first. As soon as my husband and I discussed this and decided we'd start weaning, I felt this incredible weight lift off my shoulders. I have truly loved nursing my baby, and feeling the unique emotions that come from having the ability to feed and nourish her. But along with nursing comes an incredible amount of responsibility and work. Now that she's taking in a lot of food, her milk intake is decreasing as well. Considering all of the above, it just feels right, and I'm excited to reclaim my body and indulge in an occasional glass of wine again!

K is turning out to be quite the chatty patty. She's constantly practicing new sounds, and her voice is absolutely adorable. It seems like she's enjoying this new part of herself so much that she even mumbles in her sleep, almost like she's still practicing. We've taken many, many videos of her jabbering away, and it'll be so precious to show her these videos when she gets a little older. And I'm sure mom and dad will get a kick out of it, too.

We're about to spend a ton of money...we owe several thousand dollars to Uncle S@m this year (ugh), an unexpected expense came up that will also cost several thousand dollars, and we need to buy K 2 convertible car seats. She has finally outgrown her infant carrier, and I really do consider us lucky that she's lasted in it this long. But since hubby and I both have cars and take her to daycare, we need to buy 2 car seats, which will probably run us close to 700 smackeroos. Will probably go buy them today or tomorrow. On the upside, I've been wanting to graduate to this next step for awhile now, as the baby is getting really heavy carrying her in the infant carseat. And I haven't really seen more shapely biceps develop as a result ;)

Speaking of biceps, I'm finally starting to embark on a workout routine again. I never thought it'd take me this long post-delivery to get on a regular routine, but I also never knew how much busier our lives would become, especially juggling work and a family. But alas, that is the plight of all working families...I'm excited to get active and rediscover the joys of a fit and trim bod. I'm actually 10 pounds lighter than I was before I got pregnant, but my stomach pooches so much I still look about 4 months pregnant. I can hide it pretty well by wearing the right kinds of tops, but I'm sick of having the majority of my wardrobe not look good on me. I have purchased some new clothes so I wouldn't be completely depressed (you've gotta have SOME stuff that looks good on you), but I think it'll be a lot cheaper if I just re-sculpt my baby pooch...

We'll that's a pretty good summary of how life is these days. I'm gonna go browse some of your blogs now and comment where I can - my ability to hit up all blogs and comment will be a function of how long the baby sleeps ;) Hope everyone enjoys the Spring - it's always been such a season of hope and renewal for me; perhaps it is for you as well.

A Bit Worried

2008-02-21T12:54:00.000-08:00

"I want it all...I want it all...I want it all...I want it now!" I don't know who sings that song, but the lyrics are running through my head as I fret at the latest development in my dIUI-driven life.

I don't know what made me do it, but I thought I'd check today on the availability of sperm from the donor we used to get pregnant with K. There I went back to the website, dutifully entering the donor number that has been forever etched into my memory. To my horror, I saw big, red, bold text that practically shouted the message at me - NO MORE VIALS AVAILABLE. CALL FOR MORE INFORMATION!! Crap, crap, crap...what the hell do we do now???

After I took a few moments to calm my heart-rate down, I phoned and spoke to a woman who ended up being pretty cool. Here's the deal: they actually have about 20 vials available, but they're in quarantine because the donor hasn't come in for his 3-month blood tests. He's been overdue since October 2007, and although they've tried to reach him, no dice so far. She reassured me that they'd call me as soon as this is resolved so I can purchase more vials. I plan on buying more as soon as I hear from them and will just pay the storage fee to keep them at my RE's office. I actually have 1 vial in storage with them already, as I purchased 6 vials from the first round of TTC and it took me 5 to get pregnant.

So I'm a bit worried about this whole situation. Although it's technically possible to get pregnant with the 1 vial, that is just way too much pressure and hope to put on 1 little vial of swimmers (and on me). Shit, this is freaking me out. Need to calm down. Don't call hubby, just inform him on this latest development in a calm and deliberate manner at an opportune moment in the next day or so. Lest he sees the sheer panic in my eyes.

One thing that I hope works in my favor is the human element. Before I hung up with the lady from the sperm bank, I thanked her for investigating all this for me, and ended the call with "...our daughter is absolutely beautiful, and although my husband was uneasy with utilizing donor sperm, he could not imagine his life without her now...we really want a second child who will be her true sibling..." I think the lady took pause, and I could hear her voice soften. Perhaps this will help her take that extra step to hunt down this donor and make him give some blood just to release the current inventory of vials. Even if he doesn't want to become an active donor again, I hope he's willing to take the time to get cleared and open up the supply on stuff he's already contributed. If only I could get to him myself, I'm sure I could craft a message that has the right balance of emotion, pleading, and charm that would give him the drive to just do this one thing...

Sigh...

In other news, K is 6 months old already! I report this with a certain degree of nostalgia, as I can not believe that she is halfway to the 1-year mark. My little girl has fascinated me in so many ways, and just charms the pants off everyone who meets her! My husband now proclaims that he would like another girl as he is so in love with the one we have been fortunate enough to be blessed with. She just makes him absolutely giddy and goofy at the same time, and the things he does for her...well, it just makes my heart melt.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while - life has been going at 100mph and it doesn't appear as if things will let up in the foreseeable future. In the meantime I will try to visit and comment on blogs today, but if I don't get to yours - I promise I will! You are all in my thoughts, as always...

Two Things - 1 Serious, 1 Not

2008-01-25T14:23:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm back to work, I'm back to my old routine of listening to the radio while I get ready for my day. This is, of course, only on the days when hubby takes K to daycare and allows me to get in a full shower and primp. Those days are lovely...you'll never realize how prized showers are until you become a mother!

So anyway, there are a couple topics that have been discussed on the radio lately that I've been chewing on. One topic is serious, and the other is just fun. Let's start with the serious one.

I'm sure everyone has heard by now about Heath Ledger's death. I'm the type of gal who is so-so into celebrity news. I don't follow it religiously, but do enjoy thumbing through a Pe0ple magazine if I have a long flight and want some light entertainment. I was saddened about the news just as I'd be saddened to hear about anyone's death, and perhaps mildly more interested in this case because of his celebrity status. What stunned me was that people are actually planning on protesting at his funeral because of his portrayal of a gay man in Br0keb@ck M0ut@in. You can read an article about this here. WTF? Is this for real?? I'm not going to get into a long dissertation on how acinine this is, but seriously folks, get over it and leave it alone so his family and friends can properly honor and remember him. Enough said.

On a lighter note...another topic recently discussed on the radio is what has now been dubbed a "dream grudge". It's when someone you know wrongs you in your dream (your spouse cheats on you, your best friends lies to you, etc.), and you end up getting mad at them for it in real life! I thought this was flippin' hysterical because I've been known to hold a dream grudge against poor hubby for cheating on me - several times! Of course I know he didn't do it for real, so my grudge is completely unfair. But the dream seemed so REAL that my resulting hurt feelings are real as well. Makes me laugh again just thinking about it.

So to end a Friday post - what are your thoughts on either of the above topics?

Two Years Later

2008-01-07T20:48:00.000-08:00

This post has been a long time coming. The thoughts I'm about to share have been swirling around in my head for quite some time, but they weren't ready to put on paper yet. I hadn't yet had enough of the experiences, felt enough of the emotions, witnessed what I have. But I feel like I'm at a point where I would like to share, and what better a circle than to share it with all of you, my blog buddies.

My husband and I found out about his azoospermia over two years ago. When we found out, we'd been TTC for over a year. We figured we should get some tests done, and I actually thought we'd find an issue on my side. While we did find that I had a blocked fallopian tube, everything else was a-ok.

I can still remember when my husband told me the news. There we were, standing in our master bathroom. I'd just come home, and walked into the room to see my husband hunched over his sink, shoulders looking so very defeated. I had no idea what was wrong, and the silence was killing me. Once he told me, I was speechless. How can you have no sperm? Nada? Zip? WTF??? What does this even mean?

We spent the next year dealing with our grief. After much research and doctor's visits, we had now faced the grim reality that we'd never have a biological child together. While I was all for the donor sperm route, hubby was less than thrilled about the idea. Because he didn't have a lot of experience with babies and children, it took him a long time to even agree to start a family. Now that we knew a child born from donor sperm would not be his to claim biologically, he had huge concerns that he'd be able to love such a child as his own. To him, it was different loving a child born out of DI than loving a child that was adopted. At least an adopted one had neither of our genes, and you could be completely open about it with very little social stigma.

Finally, he agreed to utilize donor sperm. He wanted the child to have my genes even though he couldn't contribute his own. But he still had some very real fears about his ability to love a child that wasn't biologically his. I didn't push him, but I knew he had these thoughts. We went to a counseling session before we started down the path, as the RE's office required it. The session did not help as much as I'd hoped, but at least we had a good dialogue about it all. So we continued down the path; him, nervously hoping for the best and fearing the worst, and me, just hoping for the best.

Then I got pregnant! He was truly happy for the news when we received it, I really believe that. Throughout my pregnancy, we'd have occasional talks about how he was feeling. And although he still had some anxiety and fear, he was in it to win it. And I continued to hope for the best.

Then, I had the baby. And she was absolutely beautiful. People commented on how much she looked like hubby, and we'd just smile at each other. And I continued to hope for the best, because I knew this was just the beginning, that my husband still had a lot to get past. And then a wonderful thing happened.

I'd had a scheduled c-section due to placenta previa, so had to leave much of the baby care in the hospital to hubby. I just focused on resting and learning how to breastfeed, and hubby did everything else. In a period of 3 days, he got countless lessons on diapering, swaddling, and soothing our baby girl. And a bond began to appear, right before my eyes. Then we brought her home, and it continued. My husband began to marvel at how beautiful she was, and would delight in his ability to soothe her like only he could.

Our baby is almost five months old now, and I can honestly say that she is the apple of my husband's eye. He absolutely swoons over her in an adorable, sheepish kind of way. Yet he is not embarrassed about it. As a matter of fact, he is the picture of the adoring father who can not have enough photos of his baby girl to show off to whomever will take the time to look.

We still get comments from people that she looks like him or like me. He takes it all in stride, and jokes that he's glad she looks so much like her mom. I think it'll always bother him to a certain extent that he does not have a biological connection; this I cannot deny. But what I can say with absolute certainty is that he loves our child with all his heart, more deeply than he could have ever imagined. All those questions of whether he'd be able to bond with her are questions no more. He would do anything for her, and she is daddy's little girl.

Two years later, many questions have been answered. And I'm so looking forward to seeing what comes next.

A New Year

2008-01-04T08:52:00.000-08:00

Let me start off my first post of 2008 with some happy news - April at Life is Beautiful is the proud mommy of twins! And Nina at stella and/or ben is the proud mommy of a baby girl! Yeah!!!

Lots been going on with me. First off, the holidays were great. This was baby's first Christmas, and very special for us. Our families just ate her up, and were rewarded by all the smiles and chuckles she bestowed upon them.

I went back to work this week, and along with that came baby's introduction to daycare. I was actually ready to return to work and re-enter the adult world that isn't consumed by babies 100% of the time. I was feeling really confident in my dual decision to return to work and put K (I'll now refer to the baby as K from here on out) in daycare, right up until the night before. Hubby and I were getting her things together, labeling her clothes, getting bottles ready, etc....when it just hit me. Was I being a horrible Mom? Should I feel guilty that I wanted to go back to work? Was K going to be ok in daycare? Would she be able to take naps? She's a light sleeper at home, how would she do in this new, noisy environment? Would she take the bottle from them? She's been exclusively breastfed since birth, and has been very on-again, off-again with the bottle as of late. It doesn't help that she got her first cold last week, so the congestion made her REALLY upset at even the sight of the bottle. With all these thoughts swirling around in my head, I looked at her sweet, smiling face, and broke down. Through the sobs, my rock of a husband was wonderful, and talked me down, so to speak. He said all the comforting words I needed to hear, and we got over it and finished our preparations.

I had one more crying jag in the shower the next morning, when hubby brought K over to say hi to me through the shower doors. She just looked so warm and content in his loving arms, and I felt like I was sending her out into a cold, lonely world.

We all went to the daycare center together, and once I got there, I remembered how much I truly liked this center when we decided on it some months back. The center director greeted us at the reception desk and personally attended to all the little details to get us settled in. I was both grateful and impressed at this personal attention she gave us, especially since the office and the infant room was super-chaotic. She even called me at lunchtime (I was going to call for an update after lunch) just to let us know how wonderfully K was doing! She'd already taken a nap and a full bottle, woo hoo! Yesterday she slept even better, and continued to do well, taking all of her bottles. She really enjoyed the nursery rhymes, and laughed while they were singing. Ah, my baby K. She is just so cool.

So this week couldn't have gone much better than it has, really. I think 2008 is going to be a really good year.

A Moment to Exhale

2007-12-03T19:14:00.000-08:00

My girl was wonderful today. She's getting easier to handle by the day, knock on wood. She's still a bit of an intermittent napper; some days she takes lovely, long naps, and other days they're quite short and infrequent (making for a cranky baby). However, she is a great sleeper at night. Usually goes down by 6pm, and tonight she put herself to sleep, precluded by a long and adorable session of babbling to the bears in her mobile and the mirror in her crib. So I actually have a moment to blog, research Christmas gifts, and exhale...

I'm in the last month of maternity leave, and I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I am really looking forward to going back to work. I crave the mental stimulation and social interaction with other adults. And let's be honest, people - I look forward to going back to a dual income. But on the other hand...as the above paragraph explained, my baby is starting to become a real joy as she matures and has seemingly out-grown her colicky stage. She'll be going to a wonderful daycare center, which I also have mixed feelings about. It has a wonderful curriculum and learning opportunities above-and-beyond your typical center, and I think the socialization benefits she'll gain will prepare her well for school. But I hate that someone else is raising her during the day. My current feeling is that this is the best route to go, as it will allow me to remain a well-rounded individual which will help make me the best mother and wife I can be.

So my current "thing" is getting ready for Christmas. We debated about putting up a tree this year, especially on the days that I was real exhausted from the baby. We decided to go for it this weekend, and I'm so glad we did. The tree is done, and looks so lovely. Of course the baby loves looking at the lights, and was a great audience while I decorated. She enjoyed sitting on the couch and watching me work...I didn't go all out on the holiday decor, but what I did do I am really pleased with. I'm just waiting for the holiday stockings to arrive in the mail, and it'll all be complete.

Well hubby just got home so I'm signing off for now...

Motherhood is...

2007-11-06T17:49:00.000-08:00

...so many things. I can now relate to stories about children in a whole new way. When I watch shows on TV and see children suffering/sick/[insert horrible condition here], my heart aches. I used to watch those stories and feel tip-of-the-iceberg empathy for the parents, but now I really feel pain as I imagine, "what if that was my daughter..." In such cases, motherhood is gut-wrenching.

Kiwi was particularly fussy yesterday, close to how she was in the early days when she was pretty dang near inconsolable. Rather than cry (which I did in the early days out of sheer frustration and panic), I got really frustrated...and even angry. Angry that my husband was at work and had the "easy" job. Angry that I couldn't figure out how to console her. And angry because I need a break from this little girl who looks like an absolute cherub when she wakes up in the morning with the most peaceful, pleasant, toothless grin I've ever laid eyes on. In these moments, motherhood is maddening.

The baby has been sleeping fairly well at night (usually the first stretch lasts 6 hours, and sometimes even 7 or 8), but is not the best napper. Her longest nap today was an hour, then she'd be happy for about 15 minutes, and take 45 minutes to put down for another short nap. She's almost slept for an hour now, and I'm hoping it lasts just a little longer so I can finish this post. I've been scouring the internet for articles on how to help babies nap longer/better, and my eyes hurt from all the reading. Will also ask the pediatrician for advice at her well-baby visit this week (wish us well, she's getting her first round of immunizations). So lately (ok, since Kiwi was born), motherhood has been an ongoing experience in education, trial and error, and experience. It pisses me off that so much of the "professional" advice out there is conflicting, but I guess every child is different, yada, yada, yada.

When I have these issues with the baby, my husband is helpful in his own way. He is a wonderful, doting father who loves this child more deeply than I had dared to hope. He (and consequently I) was worried about his ability to bond since we went the DI route, but has formed a lovely attachment to this little girl that makes my heart swell. He wears his heart on his sleeve for her, and tells her that she's "stolen daddy's heart". But oh, how I wish he could be more of a chick sometimes. When baby has issues, he's all over the place. He reads up on infant care and does have some clever gems once in a while. But he is just so typically male sometimes, it is infuriating, especially when I'm already taking on the majority of childcare and am still sleep-deprived. In times like these, motherhood feels isolating. My husband is my best friend, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. So it makes me feel alone.

Let's end this post on a positive note, shall we? My baby girl is going to be 3 months old next week, and I really do think she is one of the cutest babies I've ever seen. So without further ado (and I know this is way overdue, no pun intended), here she is:

*** PICTURE REMOVED ***

11/27/07: Sorry folks, paranoia has set in and I've decided to remove the picture. I don't want someone we know to stumble across it, and I also don't want to go password-protected. I've received quite a few emails from folks dealing with azoospermia, and my story has given them a bit of hope. So I want to keep this site public for them, and future people who may come across this blog. THANKS for the people who did comment on her picture - it meant a lot!

A Strange Phenomenon

2007-10-23T15:11:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been awhile since my last post; my baby girl keeps me quite busy!

So last night I experienced a strange phenomenon...I felt this aching sensation on the left side of my girly parts. It was oddly familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. Oh! I'm about to ovulate! How quickly we forget, huh? I also had EWCM a few days ago, so I should've realized what the pain was sooner. All I can say is I've get a pretty foggy head ever since I had the baby. My memory is shot, and my mind is often 10 thoughts behind where it should be. My husband has laughed out loud on several occasions when he's asked me a question and been met by a totally dumb, deer-in-the-headlights expression on my face. I am surprised that the plumbing is getting back into working order so quickly, especially since I'm breastfeeding exclusively. I know, you can still ovulate and get pregnant while breastfeeding; I just thought it'd take longer than 2 months post-partum.

Things are progressing well on the baby front. Kiwi is now almost 10 weeks old, and her reflux has improved quite a bit on the meds. I was actually able to lay her flat to sleep last night! These past several weeks she would either sleep in her car-seat during the night, or in her swing or bouncer during the day to keep her inclined and stop her stomach contents from coming up. However, although her reflux has improved, her new problem is gas. She gets it often after a feeding, but sometimes not for an hour or so later. It's so bad I can hear her stomach gurgling, and feel all the gas bubbles as well. I spoke to the pediatrician today, who said it's just a part of the lovely reflux issue. He said to give her Mylic0n as often as every 2 hours if she needs it. I may try this gripe water called C0lic C@lm, which the doc said was safe, and is supposed to relieve gas/colic.

Other than the reflux and gas, Kiwi is now in a super-fun stage - she coos, makes lots of direct eye contact, and has real smiles! Sometimes when I pick her up for her night-time feeding she will just stare at me with the cutest smile on her face...almost coyly. I try not to give her a lot of stimulation at night so she'll go back to sleep quickly, but sometimes I just can't resist and smile right on back. It's just too cute...

Well, baby calls - so I have to cut this post short. Will update again soon as time permits!

The Reflux (ok, bad pun on the old Dur@n Dur@n song)

2007-10-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

Wow, my baby girl is 6 weeks old! So much has been happening, and we've learned a ton...

What I originally thought was a milk allergy was in fact reflux. Apparently all babies have some degree of reflux, which is what causes spit-up. However, some babies have it to a greater extent, which makes them really uncomfortable as the acids in their stomach come back up, and this even interferes with their sleep and possibly weight gain (this wasn't an issue with my girl). She would also fuss quite a bit during and after feedings, arching her back and howling like she was in a great deal of pain (which I believe she was). The crying was getting to be so intense, often, and prolonged that we uttered the dreaded words...was it colic? And she couldn't sleep longer than 1.5 hours at a time during the day and night, when previously she took beautiful naps - she'd wake up constantly from gagging and coughing, the poor thing. So off we went to the pediatrician, who diagnosed it as reflux and prescribed Prev@cid. I was in turmoil about giving my girl meds at such a young age, but after careful delibration with hubby, we decided it was worth it if it could ease her pain and allow her to rest.

She's been on the meds for just over a week, and we are seeing a difference. It's not 100%, but I understand this may take a week or two to see the full extent of the improvement. One wonderful tidbit to report - she's now "sleeping through the night", which, according to the docs that study this sort of thing equals any amount greater than 5 hours. She's sleeping for a 6 hour stretch, which means I only have to get up for one night-time feeding! She's also sleeping in her car seat so she'll be more upright, which seems to really keep things from backing up as well. I may try one of those special wedge pillows that holds baby at a 30 degree angle, but am not totally decided on that point yet. Baby was previously a very noisy sleeper (clearing her throat constantly, gagging, coughing), and now she now sleeps soundly and wakes up rested and happy!

Breastfeeding is going well now. My milk supply is well established, and I also pump milk for hubby to feed her sometimes or for when Grandma babysits. DH and I actually got away on a "date" last week, and it was great!

Ok, now for some total honestly. I love my girl. I didn't right away. Don't get me wrong, I knew that I would at some point. But in the early days and weeks, I didn't feel like I knew her, and I was so overwhelmed at recoving from the c-section and learning how to be a Mom that it was all I could handle to breastfeed, change diapers, eat, and sleep. I didn't know how to soothe her when her crying jags started (before we figured out it was reflux and brought her some relief). I was actually a bit scared of her, and wasn't willing to be left alone with her, to the chagrin of my husband. Now, I feel like her Mom, and I really, deeply love her. And her crying doesn't freak me out anymore. Certain of her cries actually make me laugh, and others just make me melt. And she's starting to smile, which is a whole other reward in and of itself. It feels like a pat on the back for getting this far. And she's starting to coo, and of course I'm pulling for her first words to be Mama :) So I feel like I can handle this parenting thing. At least today.

Baby Update

2007-09-07T13:27:00.000-07:00

So I finally have a few moments to post a decent baby update! Kiwi is 3 weeks old today, and the time has flown by in a big blur...it definitely feels like it's been longer than 3 weeks, as she's gone through so many changes and we've learned so much.

The last several days have been tough; after the first several days after her birth, we though we'd settled into knowing our baby reasonably well and were attending to her various needs enough so that she was not doing a lot of crying anymore. In those early days I think we weren't feeding her enough because my milk supply hadn't come in fully and we weren't supplementing with formula yet. After we got over that hurdle and she surpassed her birth weight in under 2 weeks, we went back to just breastfeeding. I read how a breastfeeding mother's daily calcium requirement is 1000 mcg, so started to drink more milk and eat more dairy to get to that recommendation on food rather than just vitamin supplements. Well, I think my little girl has a milk allergy, because she got SUPER fussy and started to spit up a lot. This lasted for a couple days until I stopped with the dairy, and baby is back to her old self, nursing like a champ and only having minimal spit up.

The funny thing is, I had started to get pretty frustrated about breastfeeding and how much time it actually takes out of your day (not to mention the cracked, sore nipples I had to overcome). As I said in my previous post, I feel like a 24 hour lactaction station. Baby spends anywhere between 10 - 35 minutes per breastfeeding session, and by the time I get her diaper changed and down for a nap, it's practically time for her to eat again! She typically eats every 2-4 hours, but has already had a day where she cluster-fed; I think she was in the midst of her 3-week growth spurt. Then before we figured out the milk allergy, she would be very fussy at the breast, and come off and on the breast, and cry during the entire nursing session. This made for a very frustrated Mommy, and I was really at the end of my rope. My frustration culminated in a crying jag yesterday, as I felt quite helpless and out of ideas. Luckily, DH swooped in and took on baby duty for most of the day. I pumped my milk to empty my breasts in the afternoon, and by the evening feeding, baby was happy again. So I think the milk I'd had in the morning had worked itself out of my breastmilk by then.

Although I'd been having all these frustrations with breastfeeding, I can't tell you how relieved and thrilled I was to be able to nourish my little one again. And even though I didn't have any pumped milk in the fridge (meaning DH couldn't take one of the nighttime feedings), I was happy to get up for baby and feed her because of this breakthrough we'd had. I feel like we've had a success here, and am starting to enjoy breastfeeding more now. Baby is also becoming increasingly alert, and we look at each other more intently now when she nurses, which is more akin to what I was looking forward to when I'd read all the breastfeeding books and their promises of bonding, etc. Fingers crossed, I think we're on the right path with this now...

Thanks for the Nod!

2007-09-03T20:23:00.000-07:00

Wow - what a pleasant and totally unexpected surprise to see that I've been nominated twice as a Rockin' Girl Blogger!

Thanks go out to Trace and Nina - if you haven't checked out their blogs yet, I highly recommend you do so. They are both a couple of cook chicks with very interesting lives.

Here are some nominations from my camp:

Amanda at Manana Banana - Hers was the first blog I found that had to do with azoospermia and the utilization of donor sperm. It really gave me hope when I needed it most, and opened up this whole wonderful community of blogs to me. If she only knew how timely and helpful her blog was for me at a difficult time in my life...

Lucky #2 at Dreaming Minds - Great blog that I'm now following with interest as this mother dips her toes back into the working world - something I will be doing after the new year.

Chas at Sugar and Ice - This is a fun blog about motherhood to an adorable baby girl!

The following nominations are for folks whose blogs are password-protected. Sorry if you don't have access to their sites, but I didn't want to exclude them just because of that minor detail...

Beagle at Cats in the Cradle - Beagle is well on the path to adoption and is a strong, inspirational, candid woman whose path I have followed for quite some time. My fingers remain crossed for her and a short wait!

Dramalish at Baby Quest - Hers is another one of those early blogs that provided me with comfort when we first found out about DH's diagnosis. Plus she's an all-around cool chick who's provided tons of support to me and others out there.

Check out the above blogs, I think you'll like 'em.

Will post an update on life with the new baby soon...all I can say is that I'm tired, my back constantly hurts, I wish my c-section would heal quicker than it is, I feel like I'm a 24-hour breastfeeding machine...and my little baby is just precious. One look at her when she's awoken from a nap with those big eyes can make a tired Momma melt in a nanosecond...

Life is Good!

2007-08-28T10:27:00.001-07:00

We welcomed Kiwi into the world on Friday, August 17th, and she was in wonderful health. I nursed her while in recovery from the c-section, and boy did she have a strong latch! She was on each breast for 30 minutes, and it was wonderful to look at all her little body parts and get to know her.

We stayed in the hospital for 3 days, and have been home for over a week now. She was a little fussy the first few nights home, but the last 4 nights she has been great. Just wakes up for her feedings and goes back to sleep, allowing us to get a bit more rest than before. The swing that we received as a gift has been great - it saves our arms/back and puts her right into dreamland, then we just place her into the cosleeper attached to our bed, and she's out for the count...

She is a wonderful little girl, and suprisingly alert. We have a picture of her at 5 days old, eyes wide open in her swing at 3 am! Everyone comments on how alert she is, and love to see her big eyes when they visit. I love to gaze into her big eyes when I nurse, and have been taking lots of pics.

She also developed a bit of jaundice and lost about 14 ounces, so we had to supplement the breast-feeding with formula. She's gained back 7 ounces, and we'll see tomorrow at her follow-up appointment with the pediatrician whether she's back to her original birth weight yet. If so, we'll stop the formula and just breastfeed.

Well I am pooped so am going to go lie down while the baby is asleep. Will post more later.

Life is good...

The Countdown is On

2007-08-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

Well folks, we're currently at T minus 4 days, and boy am I ready to get this show on the road! The baby dropped early last week, so things are very heavy and pressure-filled in yonder pelvic region. It seems like I get a new symptom of discomfort on a daily basis now (cramping, stronger Braxton Hicks, back pain...), as my body is telling me in no uncertain terms that it is preparing for labor. I just hope Kiwi doesn't decide to make an early appearance; hold on till Friday, baby girl.

I did manage to squeeze in a pedicure last week, and am going to get my hair cut today. My hair has gotten so long and thick during this pregnancy, I'm hoping I don't lose too much of it as the hormones get back on track post-delivery.

Other than that, I'm just laying low these days. I'm pretty uncomfortable physically, so am not really cooking and doing much around the house. Our maid service comes tomorrow, and I'll be glad to arrive home from the hospital to a clean house.

If I don't post again for awhile, please send good thoughts my way this Friday. Will post pictures and details about the birth once I'm feeling up to it.

Oh Happy Day

2007-08-06T10:20:00.001-07:00

I'm happy today, in a contented, calm, all-is-right-with-the-world sort of way.

Yesterday, DH surprised me in a wonderful, yet oh-so-him kind of way. I haven't been sleeping too well during this final stretch of pregnancy, and usually get in a nap a day. We were running around doing errands, and my crankiness factor was increasing exponentially relative to every minute that continued to pass without a nap. I felt like a child who needed to be put down, hah!

So when we finally got home, he dropped me off and said he needed to go to an electronics store to return some stuff, and I stayed home and took my nap. When he returned about 30 minutes later, he was asking me when I was gonna get up, etc., which I thought was weird because he usually just lets me do my thing when I'm resting. So I got up since I felt pretty rested anyway, and came downstairs with him. Next thing I know, he's giving me this goofy smile, and after 10 more dense minutes on my part, I finally noticed the little card that he had on the kitchen island.

He had gotten me a little something to commemorate the upcoming milestone in our lives that is a baby. For under the card, was a little gift box...and when I opened it, there it was. A perfect, beautiful, sweet, amazing ring of diamonds and pink sapphires. He explained that he recognizes all the sacrifices I've been making to have a healthy baby (especially with the latest challenges posed with the gestational diabetes meal plan), and wanted to get something for me before it becomes all about baby Kiwi. He can still make me melt, and my pregnancy hormones even made me shed a few tears. He is my husband, and I love him dearly for who he is, and who I am with him.

We've also settled on a name for Kiwi, which I will not share yet. I'm not sure if I'll share her full name since this is still a public blog, and we want to maintain anonymity while still sharing our story. But it was wonderful after receiving the gift from hubby that he called her by the name that's been at the top of our list, but that we had not confirmed with each other yet. So we have a name, a time, and a place that we will meet her. I can't wait.

I Guess I'm Nesting

2007-08-04T12:46:00.001-07:00

Now that I'm on maternity leave, I have a lot more time for baby stuff (and blogging!) Although my c-section is still a couple of weeks away, I have this overwhelming desire to get everything ready for baby Kiwi NOW. What if she comes early and everything isn't ready? That just would not do. Ah, if you could see the spreadsheets, to-do lists, nursery, closet organizer, and other assorted tools I've been using to get ready, you might think I'm an overly anal mom-to-be. Or not. I just like to think of myself as prepared :)

I had hubby put together the pack and play this morning. This is what we're gonna use as our downstairs bassinet/changing station. It's really cute, and the only thing I have to do is exchange the sheets I bought for them because they really don't match. I stuffed the holder that attaches to it with a bunch of diapers, and don't really know where to put the wipes for now, so they're sitting on top of the changing station. Will have to mull over a better solution for that...

We'll be using a co-sleeper in the bedroom at night, the kind that attaches to the side of your bed with one side down. I've heard rave reviews on these from friends, and am thinking it will be handy for breastfeeding - especially when I'm healing from the c-section. We've assembled it already, and just need to move the night stand on my side of the bed somewhere else and attach the co-sleeper to the bed. I'm also mulling over where to put diapering supplies in the bedroom to make night-time changings convenient. Right now I've got a long, narrow basket inside the co-sleeper with diapers, wipes, and diaper rash ointment, and then I have a changing pad draped over the side of the sleeper itself. I think this will be fine in baby's first weeks, since the sleeper is quite large, but will need to move this stuff out eventually. I guess we'll play that by ear.

Finally, we need to assemble the cradle/swing, stroller (which I think should be a piece of cake), and bouncer. Kiwi will have so many places to sleep and hang out!

I ordered some cute nursing pajamas, a nursing bra that holds a double breast pump in place, and a nice robe online yesterday. The robe I will bring to the hospital, and the other items are for when I get home. I already have a nursing gown that I'll use in the hospital, which I'm thinking will be more comfortable to minimize clothing on the incision site. I need to find/get some granny panties so they will go over the site as well, instead of the low-rise ones I usually wear that would probably hit the site right where it hurts.

I need to go to the store tomorrow to return a duplicate item I got from my baby showers, and to get a few more things that we're still missing: a bottle brush, retractable sun shades for the car, etc. Do you really need to sterilize baby bottles before you use them, or is washing them enough? I have these bottles unpacked in the kitchen but am not sure how to prep them. Maybe I'll just run them through the top rack of the dishwasher? I don't know; I'm just going to have them on-hand in case I need to supplement with formula before my milk comes in or baby is jaundiced, but I do intend on breastfeeding exclusively.

I guess I'll wrap up this post for now, lunch-time beckons. I'm on this stupid meal plan because I got conservatively diagnosed with gestational diabetes, so I have to test my blood sugar 4 times a day and watch my carb intake, etc. No need for meds though, so that's about the only upshot to this whole situation. I can't wait until I have the baby and can eat anything I want! That is just how it should be when you're pregnant, at least some of the time. Ciao for now.

We Have a Date

2007-07-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

My last ultrasound (at 34 weeks) showed that the placenta moved a little, but not enough to safely proceed with a natural birth. So we have a date set for the c-section, August 17th.

I am totally ok with going this route (I guess I'd better be, since I don't have a choice!), and am actually looking forward to the big day. If all goes well, I will not go into labor prior to this day, and can avoid having to employ the breathing and relaxation techniques I half-heartedly paid attention to in my childbirth classes. If all goes well, I will show up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on the given day, have a quick and simple c-section, and meet my baby girl who is unbruised and untraumatized by not having to squeeze through any birth canal. And she will look into my eyes, and we'll share a meaningful "hello". And she will breastfeed. And all will be well. And hubby and I will feel happy and complete.

That's what I'm hoping for, but we'll see what actually happens...

My last day of work is tomorrow, then I'll have a couple weeks to prepare for the big day. I've started doing laundry, and should have the bulk of it finished by today. I also started packing the hospital bag, and would still like to go out and get a robe and some other assorted items. We installed the car seat two nights ago, and I just love seeing it in the car, in its waiting state. It's like it's blinking and there's a sign above it that reads, "all we need is the baby". It makes me feel like a Mom to have it in the back of my car, and it's a cool feeling. We still need to assemble some baby stuff, like the pack and play, swing, bouncer, and stroller. We received most of the big things we registered for, which is awesome. It's lovely to see how people react to you when you are pregnant; it just seems to bring out smiles in all.

Once Kiwi shows up, my Mom will be staying with us for a month to help out. This will be a lifesaver, as DH will not be taking off his extended time until the beginning of September, and she'll be cooking/caring for me and helping with baby as I recover from my c-section (hubby will help with baby on the night shift). Plus it'll be a nice safety net to have someone in the house who's had so many kids herself. We're not nearly as anxious as we would've been since we know she'll be there. Moms are grand :)

So that's the general plan! I'll get onto the computer and post pics once I'm feeling up to it, but it probably won't be right away. I hope all my blog friends are doing well; I read up on your blogs often and still feel a special bond with you all even though I have reached the holy grail of infertility. Fingers crossed for all of you who are still on the journey.

Random Thoughts to My Baby Girl

2007-07-03T13:48:00.000-07:00

I am just under 32 weeks pregnant today, and as I write this, you're busy squirming around in my belly. I wonder if you're head-down yet, and getting ready to get out of your cozy home and into the real world. You still have several more weeks of cookin' to do, so don't try to head out too soon!

Earlier today, you had the hiccups. This was only the second time I noticed them, and for some reason, it brings me endless entertainment and delight to see my belly bouncing every other second. I just imagine you in there, hiccuping away...maybe with eyes open, checking out the scene. It makes me smile and feel a closeness to you that grows every day.

Daddy is getting really excited with the anticipation of meeting you! He talks to you all the time, and sometimes when you're asleep, his voice seems to wake you up. I can't wait to see how he will be with you, and I'm sure my love for him will only deepen as I watch a new aspect of his personality unfold.

We got to see a preview glimpse of you last weekend in a 3d/4d ultrasound. I think you have my nose and lips...and you had the cutest little chubby cheeks! We saw you yawn a couple times, and even saw you open your eyes! And what a sweet, sweet smile you have. We're in love!

Diagnosis: Placenta Previa

2007-06-07T07:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I had another ultrasound yesterday (27 weeks), and my placenta is still covering the ole cervix. This means I am still officially diagnosed with placenta previa, and my doctor has put me on stricter orders than when we found it at 20 weeks. I'm on complete "pelvic rest", which means no sex, no vaginal exams, no exercise (not even walking around the neighborhood), no heavy lifting, or any other activity that is even remotely strenuous. Although I am not on bed rest, my ob has instructed me to work exclusively from home, which I cleared with my management yesterday.

During this extended period at home, I may get into blogging again just to keep me busy aside from the work stuff. I fear I may go stir crazy, but I know that I'm lucky to not be confined to a bed at this point.

So I need to watch out for bleeding, as the placenta could prematurely separate from the uterine lining as the cervix begins to dilate/thin. If it's just spotting, I can call the ob and go from there. But if it's heavier (like a period) then I am to go immediately to the hospital's birthing center and potentially have baby delivered early. And if the placenta has not moved by the next ultrasound (at 34 weeks), then I will have a scheduled c-section. At first I was disappointed about not having a vaginal delivery, but I actually had a dream the other night that I went into labor, and nothing was progressing with a vaginal delivery - so I started hoping for a c-section and was thrilled when the ob decided to go that route! So perhaps a prelude of things to come...

How am I taking this diagnosis? In stride, I think. When I first got diagnosed about this I was pretty concerned and anxious. I did way too much consultation with Dr. Google and started to work myself into quite the tizzy. Now, I feel much better since I am at least starting my third trimester, and every day that goes normally is another day of development for Kiwi. All I want is a healthy baby girl, so I'll do whatever it takes to further that goal.

As I was sitting in the waiting room before the ultrasound, Kiwi was so active! I was quite entertained just watching my belly jump as she went through her various kicks and jabs. And once the ultrasound was going on, the tech kept commenting on how wriggly she was. At the beginning of the appointment, her head was on the right side of my belly, and by the end - her head was on the other side! Another bit of good news is that her development is on track and everything checks out ok with her. Oh, I also had the tech re-validate that she is in fact a girl :) It doesn't hurt to confirm that before I start washing all the cute girlie clothes I've received!

In other pregnancy news, I failed my glucose screening test, so now I have to fast tonight and do the 3-hour version first thing tomorrow morning. Will have to find a good book to keep me company, and hopefully those results will be ok.

Finally, I am just thrilled at the good news that Nina received! Drop on by her blog to catch up.

If anyone has experience with placenta previa or the glucose blood tests, I'd love to hear about it.

Don't Know Whether to Laugh or Cry

2007-04-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

I am so pissed/upset/frustrated right now. Before I get to the juicy stuff, let me provide some background...

My MIL and FIL just left after having visited for 1 week. It went fairly well, but my usual limit with the inlaws is about 4 days till I get really anxious and annoyed around them. The problem, as you may have mused, is primarily with my MIL. She's very different than the mother I grew up with, and for lack of a better descriptor, she MOTHERS the hell out of you! She essentially took over my home, and did all our laundry, all the cooking, and yes, even swept out our garage. The woman is a very high-energy individual, and although I'm very thankful that she did some of these things to help out the pregnant lady, it was just...a...bit...much. I'm 32 years old and have been taking care of myself just fine all these years, thank you very much. She has such different standards to how a house should be kept that she probably marveled at how DH and I manage to get by. But whatever, I was able to cope. And now they are gone, so I am decompressing from the visit.

Friday, we had our monthly checkup with the OB. He said that the 20-week u/s showed placenta previa, where the placenta blocks the opening of the cervix. This I already knew, based on the news we'd gotten at the actual u/s appointment. I've done a little bit of consulting with Dr. Google on this, and was reassured by the fact that 90% of all previas diagnosed in the 2nd trimester resolved on their own as the uterus continues to grow. So I wasn't too worried about this, until our OB took a rather cautious tone and surprised us with his recommendations - no sex, no travel, limited exercise. Seriously?!?! WTF???

Apparently the primary concern with this condition is the danger of the placenta separating from the uterine wall, which would cause me to hemmorrage. Of course, this could be life-threatening to both mother and baby. Air travel does not increase the chances, but his concern was that if this were to hit me while I was in the air, I might not be able to get the proper medical attention soon enough. We have a scheduled trip coming up in a few weeks, so this was a real blow to us. We were intending to go see my husband's family, including a sick uncle who has been ill for some time. We haven't made our final decision, but right now we're leaning towards just hubby going on the trip, and me staying home.

Later that day, I do more research on the condition, and what I read was scary enough for me to stop reading. I had a minor breakdown with hubby, and confessed about how scared I was for baby and I. I just wish I could fast-forward to my u/s that is supposed to happen in 7 weeks to see whether this condition resolves itself or not. If it does not, it could mean stopping work early, and severely limiting activitiy to the point of bed rest. Sigh...at least everything is ok with baby, and I feel her moving on a daily basis now. She is my bundle of joy already and I haven't even met her yet.

So tonight, SIL calls. I don't remember if I've gotten into the topic that is she on my blog, but she is quite the handful. In a nutshell, she's a bit socially inept, and has quite a naive/abrasive personality to boot. Hubby can't stand that she doesn't take accountability for her actions, and MIL constantly defends her and tells everyone how much better she's gotten. From my perspective, she's a spoiled brat who should be dealt with more honestly when it comes to family communications. But this would mean dipping my toes too far into the politics of DH's family, and I just don't have the energy or desire to do so at this point in my life, if ever.

First of all, I didn't feel like talking to her, so I moaned to myself when I heard hubby offer me up to her. I had emailed a bunch of pics from the 20 week u/s, and she launches into the conversation with, "I see your baby has a cyst in her brain, too". WTF???? She goes on to explain that her first baby had one detected in her u/s, and that they had to check other stuff to make sure he would not be mentally affected. It turns out he was ok, though, but they'll watch for it with her 2nd baby. I told her that my doctor had never mentioned this with my baby, but SIL was quite sure she saw it on the u/s I sent her (like she's an expert), but reassured me that the OB "probably didn't say anything to us because he didn't want us to worry".

At this point I'm about ready to grab her neck through the phone and strangle her. I shifted the conversation, and told her we still needed to figure out our travel plans. She and her husband are going on this trip as well, and she made light of my diagnosis and said she didn't think I needed to worry about traveling. I think she said something along the lines of, "It's not like you're going to be running laps around the plane or anything." I reminded her about my doctor's orders NOT to travel, but she continued on. I just cut her off and said, we still need to figure things out.

I got off the phone with her quickly at that point, and shared the conversation with my husband. I wondered aloud if she was just trying to be a manipulative b*tch or whether she truly was as clueless as someone in that position would have to be. I've been pretty upset the rest of the night, and am upset now because I let her get to me so much.

I think I just need to decompress from the inlaws for a good while, and not talk to them anytime soon. My family is so much more laid back, and I am so thankful for the support I receive from them. One of these days, though...I may just have to blow up at MIL or SIL. Thus far, it hasn't happened, but I do quite amuse myself playing various scenarios through my head.

Mama's Intuition

2007-04-10T18:30:00.000-07:00

I had my ultrasound on Monday, and it was so neat! The actual appointment took longer than I expected, around 45 minutes total. The ultrasound lady had all types of things she had to check for, like measurements of the skull, brain, femur, waist and various checks on the heart, face, and spine. She was very cool, and patiently explained what she was looking for to hubby and I. At one point she even took a picture of one of Kiwi's feet - when I asked her if she needed a measurement on that as well she said, "No, I'm just taking a picture of it for you 'cause it's cute..." How cool is that??

Everything checked out, and appeared normal. Kiwi weighs 12 ounces (my husband excitedly observed that she weighed the same as a can of beer - men and their observations), and was quite active during the appointment. It was so cute to see her little arms and hands and legs and feet moving about. At one point, we saw the perfect mug shot of her little face fill the screen, but the lady couldn't get a picture of it quick enough. Bummer!

My placenta did look a bit low, but didn't appear to be covering the cervix. I'll probably have to go back for another u/s, maybe in about 10 weeks. I see my OB next week and will get the details from him then.

My dream/intuition of Kiwi being a girl was right! I mentioned to the lady about the dream I had about her early in my first trimester, and she said that in her experience with patients and such, that those dreams are usually right about 80% of the time. I know lots of ladies who've either dreamed the correct gender or "just had a feeling" and were right. It's neat to think that somehow our bodies just know, to the extent that our minds are consciously aware too.

Here's the best pic I got of her yesterday, a cute little profile. Isn't my baby girl a cutie?!

Quick Update and Congrats!

2007-04-06T11:35:00.000-07:00

Wonderful news today - Vee is pregnant! For those of you interested in popping by and providing your congrats, her blog is at http://sweetvee.blogspot.com/. I'm so excited for her - another successful IF to pregnancy story!

Some folks that could use some support are Beagle (pwp site) and Nina at http://stellaandben.typepad.com/stellaandben/.

As for me, things continue to progress nicely with the pregnancy. I feel movement pretty regularly now, and Kiwi seems to be most active at night after dinner. We have our 20-week ultrasound on Monday, and I CAN'T WAIT to find out whether Kiwi is a girl (like I've been thinking) or a boy (which will just crack me up to no end since I've been calling Kiwi a girl this whole time). I need to call the OB today to see if my triple marker blood test yielded any troubling results. This is where they test for down's, spina bifida, stuff like that. But apparently it has a high false positive test. It's been 2 weeks since I gave blood for the test so I'm thinking that no news is good news. But since this is such a key test I want to call them just to be sure...

I'm definitely showing and am amused at how nice people are to pregnant women. It just seems to lift them up and bring a smile to their faces, which in turn, makes me feel all good and happy inside :)

Once we find out the sex of the baby, all systems will be go in terms of nursery plans, etc. I've been holding out on buying anything until I find out, but that day is hopefully drawing near!

Hope everyone is doing well!

On Hiatus

2007-03-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

I have decided to cease blogging. I'm sure this will only be temporary, but it just feels like the right thing to do right now. I will visit your blogs and comment when I can, but the frequency will likely decrease.

In the meantime, good luck to everyone who is still trying, and to all of you who are pregnant. I promise to post an update if anything significant occurs, or when I deliver Kiwi (whichever comes first)!

Snap, Crackle, Pop!

2007-03-08T10:13:00.000-08:00

With the arrival of my 2nd trimester have come some interesting developments.

The Good News
Morning sickness seems to have disappeared, and I'm not as tired as I used to be. Whereas in my worst days, I would wake up, eat breakfast, and go back to bed - I don't need to do that anymore! I can still nap with the best of 'em when I get a chance, but this is more out of luxury than necessity.

The Other News
My skin continues to break out worse than when I was a teen. I seem to lack the pregnancy glow that everyone talks about. Oh well, you can't have it all. I am starting to show, and have converted to maternity clothes almost exclusively. I figure now that the news is out, I may as well be comfortable! And it's kind of neat to see just how nice people are to pregnant women. Enjoy it while it lasts, that's what I say. And finally, for the latest phenomenon...there must be a lot of movement and expansion going on in my pelvic area, because many times when I get up from a sitting or laying position, any number of bones either snap, crackle, or pop! It's like the sound of someone cracking their knuckles, except it's my hip, pelvic area, or lower spine. It doesn't hurt at all, but just throws me off my game a bit and makes me feel like I'm falling apart :) Hubby just laughs at it all, as he seems to do often these days.

On the work front, I took the plunge and approached a senior manager about my interest in joining his organization. It's the same overall organization I spoke about in my previous post, but he is the head honcho of it instead of the one position I was talking about that is a couple levels below him. He is actually very interested in talking to me further, and we have a meeting scheduled for next Monday. I'm excited! I need to work on my resume this week and make sure I'm ready for our conversation. That's what I'll try to do this weekend amidst the beautiful spring weather we're supposed to have. Wish me luck!

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2007-02-27T12:33:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm pregnant, my life has taken on a different perspective when it comes to work. My husband and I are both professionals in the tech industry, and have carved out pretty successful careers for ourselves. I myself am a manager, and have worked my way up to this level over the last few years. I get a pretty good paycheck, and DH and I have created a comfortable life for ourselves in terms of our home and the other various items we can afford to splurge on based on a decent amount of disposable income.

I try to picture what it will be like when Kiwi arrives. Will I want to work anymore, or will I have the unending desire to be a stay-at-home Mom? Most of the Moms in our neighborhood stay home, and I have heard through the neighborhood grapevine (not that I partake much in that sort of thing) that the general view of these women towards working mothers is not a good one. Not that this would make or break the decision for me; it's just an interesting side note.

My husband is against me being a stay at home Mom, because he thinks I can do both. He tends to look at things more pragmatically when it comes to this issue. He figures we have both paid due diligence in our careers, so why should I give mine up and the lifestyle that we have come to enjoy as a result? Don't get me wrong, he is not a materialistic shmuck like this may make him appear...but I think that he has witnessed his own mother and my sisters doing the same thing and he and their kids have turned out fine. He has also witnessed stay at home moms that tend to lose a bit of themselves in their kids, and when it's time to go back to work - they don't have the confidence and/or tools needed to stick their toes back in the water.

Knowing myself as I do, I don't think I'm suited to be a stay-at-home mom indefinitely. Right now I am planning to take 5-6 months off for maternity leave, but I think I'll be ready to go back when the time is up. But who the heck knows how I'll feel until I'm really in that situation?

So the current dilemma is this - there are some job openings in my company that would allow me to go back to being an individual contributor (read this as a non-manager) and still take home the same pay. I would have less responsibility, and arguably a lower-pressure job as a result. I would also have more opportunity to work from home, allowing me flexibility with the baby's schedule. Although this would be somewhat of a "step down" in terms of my job level, I think this could be a good way to balance the demands of motherhood and career, but not try to be a superwoman amidst it all. I have a week to consider the job openings before I have to decide whether to apply or not. I happen to know one of the hiring managers, and she told me she'd start heavily weeding out candidates next week, and to let her know if I do apply so she can look for my application. So it seems like I might have a foot in the door for that particular opportunity.

My husband is out of town this week, so I'm trying to gather my thoughts so we can discuss more fully this weekend. I guess in the meantime I should update my resume since it won't hurt to have it updated even if I decide not to apply.

I wish I didn't have to worry about all this very adult type of crap, and could just kick back, enjoy my pregnancy, and dream about babies :) But that is not how the cookie crumbles, eh?

Meeting the OB/GYN

2007-02-23T11:41:00.000-08:00

I had my first real appointment with the new OB today. He was really nice, and DH and I liked him a lot. I call this my first real appointment since the one last week was with that nursing student, and we didn't do anything in the way of exams.

Today, we discussed medical history, did a pap smear and breast exam, felt the uterus (it is growing right on track), and heard the heartbeat! It was different hearing the heartbeat on a doppler machine versus a transvaginal ultrasound, but still a wonderful sound to hear all the same. It strikes me as a bit passive/odd that this is all we need to do to verify the pregnancy is ok and on track. I would feel a lot better if I could see Kiwi every time, but alas, that is not the fate of how they treat a standard pregnancy...sigh.

Doc did send me home with a lab slip to schedule my 20 week u/s, and I did that when I got home. That'll be the one where we can hopefully confirm that my Kiwi is a girl :) It'll be funny if she turns out to be a he, because I've had it so firmly in my mind that she is in fact a girl...

So I am a happy camper. I'm out of the first trimester and have heard the heartbeat. I've started to tell more people at work. I told my boss last week, and this week I started to tell my team (I am a manager) and some of my peers. It's all good; they have been very supportive. There are a couple of people on my team who do not have children, and not knowing the reasons for this, I was really, really hoping that I was not hurting them when I told them of my news. IF really ups your sensitivity meter, but I think in a good way.

DH and I had lunch with that couple that's been going through IF treatments. They both have IF issues, but she has endometriosis on top of it all. I really never knew much about this condition, but it sounds like it really sucks. Essentially it's uterine-like tissue that can grow outside of your uterus, like in your fallopian tubes and even into your organs and brain. It's a huge cause for IF. So she's about to start on her first IVF cycle in a few weeks, and is also coupling it with acupuncture treatments. It turns out we've been going to the same fertility office, so it was interesting to compare notes about the type of treatment (both good and bad) that both of us received there. I really feel for them and wish them the best.

I think I'm starting to turn the corner into the "feel good" trimester. I'm not as tired as I used to be, and don't usually need to nap during the day anymore. I still have queasiness, and fought some off this morning with my standard piece of ginger candy. What's killing me is my heightened gag reflex when I brush my teeth. That's been with my for some time, and last weekend I actually vomited from it. Ugh. Needless to say, I am a bit gun-shy now when I brush, not wanting to get to that point of surprise pukage. Still have heartburn sometimes, and let me tell you -either I am starting to show, or I have a hell of a constant bloat going on. My stomach protrudes now, and I'm wearing the kind of maternity pants that are good for the early stages of pregnancy - the ones without the big pouch. Man, do I love those pants! There is so much give and stretch...I could wear these suckers even when I'm not pregnant! Hah! My face is finally starting to clear up, as I've had pimples constantly since becoming pregnant like I haven't had since I was a teen - and even worse than then! That one has really sucked, because I generally had a pretty clear complexion pre-pregnancy, with a few pimples that would come the week before my period. Maybe that "glow" will come that everyone talks about :)

Well since it is lunchtime and I don't have any meetings for an hour, I'm going to go lie down. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Better Than Nothing

2007-02-20T14:22:00.000-08:00

Well I went to the new ob/gyn last Friday, and met with a nursing student. Ugh. It's not like I'm not supportive of nursing students and the profession in general, what with the big nursing shortage. But I was looking forward to meeting with the physician's assistant at the very least, so I wouldn't be met with a blank stare to some of my questions (...Nuchal translucency screening? That must be really new - I've never heard of it!) So there we went, filling out paperwork, she gave me a printout of my pregnancy dates, and key dates that I would have certain tests done. Fine. But when we got to the questions stage, she really wasn't too helpful. So I left the appointment feeling a bit unsatisfied, and stopped at the lab to give many tubes of blood for the tests they needed to run.

The nursing student did make another appointment for me with the actual doctor, and I'll be seeing him this Friday. She thinks he may do another u/s since I got pregnant via DIUI. I hope so, it will be good to see Kiwi again just to make sure everything is ok. I asked her if I should wait for this appointment before announcing the news to my boss, etc., and she didn't think that was necessary. As long as I have seen the baby and heard the heartbeat in the past, that seemed to be the key. So I told my boss the news last week, and she was very excited, etc.

So I guess that news is better than nothing, huh?

In other PG-related news, I bought a pretty journal yesterday with a green cover with flowers and butterflies on it. This is going to be my journal to Kiwi during my pregnancy. I wrote in it today for the first time, and it was neat to be "talking" to her in this way, and connecting with her. I want to document what I went through, the thoughts that were swirling in my head, and other general stuff so I can give it to her when she is old enough to understand it all. I think it'll be pretty neat.

DH and I were in the mall yesterday, and I allowed myself to go into the P0ttery B@rn B@by store. It was very cool. Everything was so precious, and I got to check out some of the cribs I've been eyeing. The lady at the store was very sweet and helpful, and being surrounded by all the pastel blues and pinks...I felt like everything was going to be ok.

Better get back to work now - took a little break since it's been awhile since my last post. Hope everyone is well.

@bducted by @liens!

2007-02-12T12:38:00.000-08:00

I have been having the most vivid dreams lately! In one, I was back in my college days, dating some random boy. We feel asleep/were late to see my father, and he was so upset at my date that he shot him! My screams of "Why?!...why?!" in my dream actually came out as a garbled scream that DH could barely understand - and woke both of us up! And yes, in another dream - I was abducted by @liens. There were a handful of other people who had been abducted as well, but luckily when the UFO crashed on earth, the @liens took pity on us and released us back to our families. And finally, I dreamt that I had a m/c, and this was the most heartbreaking dream of all.

I will be twelve weeks on Thursday, and have my first appointment with the ob/gyn Friday. I have been waiting for this appointment to confirm that all is well before announcing my news broadly to people at work. Not that I have any reason to doubt that all is NOT well - I just need that extra piece of mind that comes with finishing out the first trimester.

Yes, I am still more sensitive about this topic because of the m/c I experienced last year, and I've been counting the weeks until I could exhale a sigh of relief and start working on the baby room and other things of the sort. Because I haven't wanted to jinx myself by just assuming all was going to work out. I didn't want to get my baby room plans in motion and then have to be devastated by another PG that didn't work out. So this is a big week for me! And it's only Monday, dang it. I have to wait 4 more days until I can have that peace of mind. What will I do with myself until then?

Are Your Pets Acting Wacky Around You?

2007-02-01T10:44:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine who knows that I'm pregnant recently asked if I noticed any changes in my dog. I stared at her quizzically, and she told me that she's heard of dogs sensing pregnancy and acting differently as a result. She thought she read something about them being able to hear the baby's heartbeat, and that's how they knew. My curiosity was piqued, so I did some research on the net. I found an interesting article, which follows. The only problem is that my dog is already so clingy as it is, I'm not sure if I would notice a difference unless he really stepped it up several notches. It's a cute notion all the same, and I'll be sure to be aware of his behavior. One different thing he did the other night - I was sitting on the floor with him, rubbing his belly. Then I stopped petting him to watch whatever was on TV. Every few seconds, he would softly wag his tail a few times, then stop. He never wags his tail unless specifically prompted to do so (by direct attention). Who knows - maybe he was happy to hear Kiwi! :)

Sensing Pregnancy: Pregnancy and Your Pet*
If you’re a pet owner, then you may have noticed your cat or dog acting a bit strange since you got pregnant. Perhaps you paid little attention to the changes or maybe you wondered if they could be related to your pregnancy. Well, if you were thinking the latter, then you would be correct!

Pregnant Belly Syndrome?
Pets seem to have an innate intuition when it comes to important events. An animals ability to sense changes in the weather, earthquakes and even volcano eruptions well before humans has long fascinated many. It has also been found that some dogs can detect certain cancers in humans as well as alert a person that they are about to have a seizure or even a heart attack. With such amazing abilities, it should really comes as no surprise that pets can know you’re pregnant before you even think about taking a pregnancy test.

Pregnancy, Your Dog, and that Sixth Sense
While there is no scientific proof that explains precisely why dogs, or any other animal for that matter, can pick up on pregnancy, there is a lot of anecdotal evidence. Just take a look at what the women in our Reader’s Write section have to say about their pets during pregnancy.

Although your dog may not actually understand that you are pregnant, they do notice any changes in your behavior, posture, routine and emotions. These changes may be so minor that you don’t even notice them yourself. But dogs are very much in tune with such differences and will pick up on them right away.

It has also been suggested that dogs may be so sensitive to pregnancy because of the variations in hormones and pheromones in pregnant women. Dogs have an amazing sense of smell that is vastly superior to humans. In fact, their ability to smell is one million times better than humans; when stretched out, their smelling receivers can cover an area of 130m2. In humans, our smelling receptors will only cover 3m2. This is why, before the pregnancy symptoms kick in, before the pregnancy tests are taken, your dog might start to act a bit…different.

Dogs Behaving…Good?
Just how your dog will react to your pregnancy will vary according to your pet. Many women report that their once husband-loving pet has now abandoned that man for her and her pregnant belly. Often becoming more clingy and protective, dogs have been known to stay directly beside mom’s side, even waiting outside the shut bathroom door or next to the tub while you bathe and sleeping beside your bed every night, for the full nine months.

Other dogs may be more vocal in their protection, barking or growling at anyone who approaches the pregnant woman, sometimes even physically blocking people from the mom-to-be. And if your dog starts to take more notice of your belly, nosing it, smelling it or even trying to sit on it, don’t be surprised. She knows that’s where the change is.

While this extreme affection can be endearing (and likely a bit annoying at times), it can also go the other way. Some dogs may react to the pregnancy by becoming aloof and wanting nothing to do with you. They could become stressed and exhibit anxiety, such as pacing and excessive licking. Worse still, they may start to act up by relieving themselves indoors. If your dog’s behavior becomes particularly troublesome, make an appointment with the vet.

Your Cat Can be Loving
Cats have a bit of a bad rap. Not only can they carry toxoplasmosis, an infection that can be dangerous for pregnant women, they are also known for being standoffish, independent and often unaffectionate. Yet, as any cat owner can tell you, cats can be extremely loving and loyal to their owners. During pregnancy, this affection may become even more apparent.

Many cat owners have noted their cats behaving undeniably friendly once those early signs of pregnancy start to appear. Following you around, sleeping with you or even on you, insisting on sitting on your lap and even cuddling and licking your belly (maybe baby needs some grooming?) are all normal for behavior for cats when you’re pregnant.

However, like dogs, your cat can also turn their tail on you during your pregnancy. They might keep their distance from you, become fussy if you try to handle them or act out by not using their litter box (and that cat urine is not a pretty smell once it leaves the box). If you have more than one cat, you may even notice that one cat becomes more affectionate while the other wants nothing to do with you. Again, if you cat’s behavior becomes too severe, make an appointment with your vet.

Not Just the Indoor Pets
It isn’t just cats and dogs that take on a new personality when you’re pregnant, all animals may react differently to you. Or at least those that you have regular contact with (so don’t worry about squirrels wanting to crawl onto your lap). Women who live or work on farms have reported that their barnyard animals tend to follow them a bit more closely when they are out with them. In particular, horses seem to have a thing for following around pregnant women and nuzzling pregnant bellies. Looks like humans aren’t the only one that can’t resist touching a pregnant belly!

*Article copied from http://www.pregnancy-info.net/pets_pregnancy.html

Graduation Day

2007-01-22T22:43:00.000-08:00

I had my 8-week follow-up with the RE on Monday, and everything checked out wonderfully. Kiwi is 2 centimeters now - she has quadrupled in size from 2 weeks ago! And her heartbeat clocked in at 160 bpm. In this ultrasound pic, she is facing down, and that little circle above her body is her yolk sac that should disappear soon. Amazing!

I am to continue on the progesterone suppositories for another week and a half (will be 10 weeks), and the low-dose aspirin until week 12. Sigh...I thought I was done with those dang suppositories. Oh well, not much longer to go!

So I have "graduated" from the RE's office, and they'll be sending my medical records to my ob/gyn tomorrow. It was a strange feeling walking out of that office for the last time. It was a little sad, in a way. On the drive into the office, we drove by a friend who was leaving there. He and his wife have been battling a myriad of IF issues for several years. It has started to take a toll on their relationship even. They want to meet us for dinner, and DH and I have been struggling with the whole do we tell them or not dilemma. So I think I was sad for what they're going through, what we've been through, and what all of you have gone through or are currently facing. IF sucks, period.

Hope you enjoy the pic!

Is it Too Soon?

2007-01-18T12:25:00.000-08:00

So something has been bothering me for awhile now, even before I got knocked up. This last DIUI cycle has left me with only 1 more vial of donor sperm. DH and I had discussed switching donors if this last cycle didn't take, because we know someone who had 8 DIUs with no luck, had to switch for the last cycle because there was no more sperm from donor #1, and bam! She got pregnant.

Our situation is a little different because we are pregnant, and also want another child at a future date. So I'm starting to feel a little anxious. Should I purchase more sperm from the sperm bank, or wait? We are still trying to get a handle on our finances and I am STILL waiting on a reimbursement check for the original sperm purchase from my insurance company that I now hate. We also have a separate big expense coming up that will set us back, so I just don't know if the timing is optimal right now.

Ok, I know it's all about timing when it comes to this TTC business! So should I just suck it up, buy the goods, and have them on deck at the RE's office for when we're ready to try again? Or should I hold off?

I haven't broached this topic with DH yet as he is still getting used to this whole pregnancy business. Don't get me wrong - he is thrilled, excited, and all that other good stuff. But he's a total baby rookie, and it was half-amusing and half-apalling the other night when we were talking about how much time I would take off of work when little Kiwi arrives. He had no idea that women took many months off, and that the longer, the better. I delicately explained to him why it was important for mommy to be home with child, about young immune systems versus germ-filled daycare centers, etc. I could tell by the look on his face that it was a lot of information for him to process, so I didn't want to bring up our depleted donor sperm supply.

Maybe I'll check with the sperm bank to ensure this donor is not running low on supply.

I Want to Tell the World

2007-01-16T11:33:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's been awhile since my last blog post; life has been happening all around and me, and sometimes I'm smack dab in the middle of it!

While I enjoy being an observer in life (one of my favorite hobbies is people-watching), and especially in my current tired and pregnant state, this has not been my fate as of late. There is a lot of crap going on at work, that - although I really don't care much about it, I can't ignore. So work has been keeping me busy, although it continues to be a challenge balancing enough rest when I need it with a busy work schedule. Can I take the rest of this trimester off as vacation??? That's what I thought.

I've been trying to eat better for little Kiwi, and finally mustered the energy to go to the market for groceries last week. As I was driving the whole mile to the market, I noticed the first pangs of hunger. Crap. I wonder if I can make it through my shopping list and then eat when I get home?? By the time I parked the car, I was shaking with hunger. Double crap! So I detoured to the sandwich shop next to the market and sat there eating a rather tasty italian sub (I guess I'm not supposed to eat deli meats, but one sandwich won't kill me - especially when it's a matter of raging-bitch-at-the-market-me or balanced-head-on-straight-at-the-market-me). I felt crappy the rest of the time that I shopped, but was comforted by all the healthy (and yes I tossed in some treats too) fare I was purchasing. My snacks now consist of yogurt, string cheese, cut carrots and celery, apple sauce, saltines, peanut butter, and pudding! This is a big improvement over what I was snacking on before to quench my hunger.

So the things that plagued me in my previous posts continue to be with me - intermittent nausea (I never know which meal will do it me), tiredness, major boob soreness (I'm almost never NOT wearing my sports bra), and sometimes insatiable and ever-present hunger. I'm probably forgetting some other stuff, but I'm not trying to complain here - just share my experiences. Ooh! One bit of good news is I get to stop the progesterone suppositories next week - yeah! While that hasn't been a super-huge deal, I won't miss 'em, either.

Now it comes to the matter of sharing my pregnancy news. I'm in a bit of a conundrum. Do I wait until the first trimester is done, then broadly communicate to friends, family, and the rest of the world, like work? I've already started to tell a small circle of family and friends, but am dying to share the news with everyone, even complete strangers, hah! What did you do? If not pregnant yet, what do you think you would do? I admit I am a bit gun-shy about telling folks because of the previous miscarriage, although I know that this pregnancy started off on a much more positive light than the one before. I'm currently at 8 weeks, and head into week 9 in just a couple of days - wow! I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

My 6-Week Checkup

2007-01-08T17:29:00.000-08:00

I went in for my 6-week checkup today. I was somewhat nervous about it, having read about those infamous cases when a gal tests pregnant but the 6-week ultrasound shows an empty sac. I didn't even voice my fears to anyone for fear they would come true!

Luckily, we did not see an empty sac! We saw the most beautiful blob of a being, and could even see some movement! We heard the heartbeat, which clocked in at a perfect 120 bpm. It was so cool to actually see this little being (Kiwi) and know that it is growing inside my body. Hubby got to accompany me to this appointment, and it was awesome. He actually pushed off business travel so he wouldn't miss it, and I'm so thankful and appreciative that he was there.

We got a few photos from the ultrasound, and some info on "do's" and "don'ts" of pregnancy. The one surprising "don't" was not to swim in salt water? Hmm...wasn't planning a tropical vacation this year anyhow. We've had plenty of those.

I've had a grocery list made up for two days now that I just have not had the energy to go to the market for. Hubby has been working day and night, so he hasn't been an option either. I WILL get some healthy food in this house soon, for Kiwi's sake! RE also gave me the thumbs up for eating shellfish and peanuts. He had never heard of that theory, and echoed all your advice in terms of eating foods in moderation. I was a happy camper to hear the news, as my parents had just bought and cooked some dungeness crabs, and I've been looking forward to enjoying that. And I really wasn't thrilled at the prospect of eliminating peanuts from my diet since they're such a handy protein.

Well that's about all to update you on for now. In the meantime, I am enjoying this little milestone that was today's appointment, and smiling often :)

It's Been a Tough Week Back at Work

2007-01-04T21:16:00.000-08:00

First of all, thanks so much to all of you for your supportive and always fantastic advice. What a cool way to be able to bounce stuff off each other, eh? :)

As the title of this post states, it has been a tough week back in the office. Firstly, I took 2+ weeks off for the holidays, and it's always tough to get out of the typical vacation-going-to-sleep-late-and-waking-up-late mode to an earlier schedule. Also, work isn't particularly scintillating for me right now, either. I can't complain too much though - it pays the bills, and all in all, I have pretty cool coworkers and stuff like that. But nothing is going on right now that I'm very passionate about.

This has also been a tough week because I miss my hubby. We went from spending gads of quality time together and really bonding again to barely seeing each other. He's on this awful project at work that has amazingly piss-poor planning (if any), horrible leadership, and a do-what-it-takes-even-if-you-work-all-night attitude. Hmm, sorry about all the super-hyphenated phrasing tonight. It must be working for me.

And on top of all that, I'm still adjusting to my newly pregnant body and the fun that it brings. I was in a conference room with two other people yesterday, in the middle of a 1-hour presentation, when BAM! I started to feel really faint and was actually scared that I might pass out. You know when you get light-headed and start to get that out-of-body feeling, like you're starting to float? That was me. Once we hit the end of the speech (I endured this for about 10 minutes), I suggested a break, upon which I quickly shoveled down the rest of my lunch.

What's been surprising to me lately his how suddenly and severely hunger and/or faint spells will come. One minute I'm fine; the next minute I'm not. So the lesson here is I'm going to eat smaller meals/snacks more frequently to try to avoid these situations as much as possible.

The queasiness continues as well, and I was half-amused and half-petrified today when I was at a restaurant with co-workers for lunch today, and thought I might puke all over the table. On the one hand, it would've been quite funny and even memorable; on the other hand, it would've been quite apalling and embarrassing. I guess you can take your pick.

It's a good thing I called the RE's office today and discovered that my 6-week follow-up is not on Sunday as they originally told me, but is in fact scheduled for Monday. Sigh. The only reason I'm not too upset about this is because I caught the mistake in time, and the nurse who left the voicemail with the good news did leave a truly heartfelt message. So I'll let 'em slide on this one.

In other news - I'm supposed to go to Germany for work next month, and am trying to work with my husband's schedule to see if he can come out and meet me when I'm done with my 3-day meeting for some fun/vacation. We aren't exactly rolling in the dough after our holiday spending, but decided it would be a great opportunity that may not come around for a long time, especially with the bun in the oven. So I'm looking forward to that possibility! We may also go to Switzerland and Paris; we'll see.

TGIF! Almost.

Honey, Can You Get me a Bag?

2007-01-01T20:35:00.000-08:00

Three main things have been at the forefront of my pregnancy experience thus far:

1) I'm tired a lot. I've been averaging one nap per day, and it makes me wonder how I'm going to swing that pattern when I go back to work tomorrow. I also get tired quickly, which is nice because I have a reason to baby myself and rest, but can be frustrating when I look around at all the things I want to get done around the house. I did manage to put away all the Christmas decorations today before I went down for a nap, so that's a good thing...

2) My boobs have been killing me. They feel very full and are sooooo tender, to the point where I haven't been sleeping well. Every time I'd turn onto my side, the sheer weight of my arm and/or comforter would wake me with a jolt of pain. I try to explain this phenomenon to DH, but he just kinda looks at me with an uncomprehending yet empathetic stare. My sister had a GREAT suggestion, and I purchased a sports bra on Saturday and have been wearing it (day and night) ever since. So the boob situation is stable for now.

3) Getting a lot of "morning sickness". Most of the time, I do not wake up feeling queasy. It occurs intermittently, and sometimes while I'm a passenger in the car. I often get it after a meal, but it usually passes fairly quickly. I've had a couple times when I was real close to vomiting, including tonight. DH and I were watching a fabulous documentary on migrating birds (it was much more exciting than it probably sounds), and after a bowl of ice cream, I thought for sure I was going to puke. After squirming in discomfort for 10-15 minutes, I asked hubby to go get me a bag. His eyes got big, and he popped up off that sofa so quick, it made me smile...I nibbled on some ginger candy that I bought a few days ago, which finally settled my stomach. So no up-chucking yet!

I go in for my 6-week checkup on Sunday!

Question - I'm hearing conflicting advice on this, and wanted to see if anyone else has some thoughts to add. My SIL said that if you or dad have allergies, that you should avoid eating peanuts and shellfish during pregnancy, because your baby will be more likely to be allergic to these foods. But I remember reading an article once that you should eat peanuts (I guess shellfish is out anyway due to high mercury content) to build the immunity for your baby, and that it would decrease the chances of baby having a peanut allergy. Any thoughts? I'm going to go check with Dr. Google now...

Holiday and DIUI #3 Update

2006-12-30T16:37:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm finally home and getting back to normal again. The holidays have been a whirlwind of activity for about a week now, as we celebrated with both sides of our family and had some travel to boot. It's nice to travel, but it's always GREAT to get home. Hope everyone had a great holiday as well.

Last Saturday, hubby and I celebrated Christmas early. Since we were going to be out of town for Christmas, it didn't make sense to pack up our gifts and go through the hassle, so we opened our gifts that morning. It was nice, he pulled through with some fabulous ideas as usual. I think he liked my gifts to him as well.

After we were done opening gifts, he asked me what I thought the blood test would reveal (I had gone to the RE's office early that morning for my beta HCG). I got the test a day early knowing I'd be out of town starting the next day. So part of me was worried that the reading would be off because I was going in early, and another part of me was just sad and worried that I would be let down yet again. Even though my period was late, I didn't take that as a positive sign since that had yielded nothing last cycle - I think it was just the progesterone messin' with me. So when hubby asked me what I thought, I just started to cry...how could it be such a wonderful and blessed time of year when our situation was such a stark contrast? I just couldn't bear getting bad news again right before Christmas.

We hugged for awhile, and then I made myself snap out of it so I could get ready to see my family later that day. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and settled into my usual routine. After I had done my hair and makeup, my husband came up to me and held his cell phone to my ear. My heart skipped a beat as I realized that it was a message from the RE's office. I held my breath and listened...you came in a day earlier than normal...we have your results...merry christmas...you're pregnant! As she continued to rattle off additional details in her message, I started to cry. The news was even that much sweeter when I saw the look on my husband's face and realized he had already listened to the message and knew what news I was taking in.

My beta was 86! This was a much better number than the 14.7 I got in my first cycle that resulted in miscarriage. My numbers were so low that cycle that I had to go in every 3 days to ensure the numbers were still rising. What a great feeling it was this time when they said to continue my meds and not come back until my 6-week checkup!

So I've now had one week to revel in the fact that I am indeed pregnant. I still don't believe it most of the time, although the symptoms are here in full force. I've had bouts of queasiness (no throwing up yet, knock on wood), extremely tender breasts, very tired, HUNGRY, sensitive gag reflex...all wonderful things because it reinforces this wonderful fact that I have still been marveling about how to fully accept as real. What a special Christmas this has turned out to be. I know I am very newly pregnant, and will probably never feel "safe" until the little guy or girl is placed into my arms. But until then, I will enjoy this time and try to take good care of myself and Kiwi*.

For all of you who are still TTC, I truly hope this news does not sadden you too much. I almost feel guilty sharing because I know there is still so much hurt out there in blog-land. I will always try to be as sensitive as possible to your continued experiences as I can, and I hope you will allow me that opportunity.

On the other hand, I've been anticipating the moment when I could be home again and write this post to let all of you know - because I know you all can really relate to just how big and monumental this news is for we who have struggled with infertility.

*A quick story on why we're calling our little one "Kiwi". When I was pregnant the first time, my husband spoke to my belly to rouse the new embryo, saying "..wakie, wakie..." Not hearing him correctly, I asked incredulously, "Did you just call our baby Kiwi???!?" After we had a good laugh, that was how we referred to the baby ever since. So it just stuck, and we now refer to the baby as Kiwi exclusively.

Feeling More Holiday-ish

2006-12-11T18:35:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but I got bit by the holiday bug this weekend. I didn't go all out, since we won't even be in town for Christmas, but I did get decorations out and deck the halls a bit - while listening to Christmas music :) I got that familiar warm feeling inside that I usually get during the holidays. People are in a better mood, and more generous and thoughtful of others. It may sound cheesy, but the holiday spirit just makes me feel good.

I got 2 DIUIs this cycle, and the first one was pretty uncomfortable. Apparently I have this sharp curve in my cervix that made it hard for the RE to feed the catheter in (he showed me the curve on the ultrasound monitor - it was interesting to see), and he finally got it after catheter number three. I think it was the most bendy and small, diameter-wise. This is the warmest and friendliest RE in the office, but he doesn't really have the touch when it comes to performing a comfortable procedure. My assertion is that he's a guy, and they'll never know what it feels like to have a vagina, so can only come so close to finessing a speculum and catheter up the ole channel. But he did leave with a warm goodbye, bless him...

For the 2nd DIUI, I was instructed to come with a full bladder. Something about the bladder pushing/flattening out the cervix. It was the same RE, and it went much smoother this time. Hubby was with me too, so that was a plus.

So now we wait. Ironically enough, my fertility tracking software says I should expect my menses on, you guessed it - Christmas day! The good thing about this cycle is that I was in way better spirits leading up to the inseminations, as well as on the actual days themselves. Last cycle, I was enraged, volatile...you name it. Hubby and I were fighting a lot, and those hormones were really raging in me. We have *hopefully* learned to co-exist with these hormones in a harmonious manner!

In other holiday news, I've started on the Christmas cards, and am more than halfway done with my Christmas shopping. The small wrinkle in my holiday progress is that I'm out of town on business for the next few days, and will have to suspend these activities till I return. The upside of this is that once I return on Thursday, the week is practically over, then I'm on vacation for 2+ weeks! I'm really looking forward to this respite from work...I've never taken a vacation this long where I'll have so much time (1 week) to myself. I intend to take some quiet time reflecting on my life, and getting back in touch with my spirit. And playing lots of piano.

Hope everyone is well in blogland!

Crazy Thoughts

2006-12-06T22:22:00.000-08:00

I went to the RE's office today, and even though my POAS in the morning did not detect a positive surge, the sample I gave at the office did. The magic wand revealed 1 follicle per side, and of course the one on the right side is larger. The doc did mutter something about the right follicle being up and behind the uterus and potentially closer to my left and unblocked fallopian tube, but of course I was in a *duh* type of fog and didn't think to ask any clarifying questions. Do you all feel as dumb as I do when it's show time with the RE's? I think of soooo many questions after the fact, but nod obediently when I'm actually there...

So I got the HCG shot in the a**, and this time it was a bit painful! Whatever, the nurse said it might have been because the liquid was cold. Ok, so do ya think you could warm it up a little next time? You would not believe how much time I waste thinking about all the little process and operational improvements this office could institue to be more patient-friendly. But by the looks of it, I am not in a unique situation here.

I'm scheduled for a DIUI tomorrow morning. This is the first cycle I'll have gone it alone since DH is away on a business trip. He was really upset with me that I didn't tell him this was "the week", but to be honest - I wasn't really thinking about it all that much this cycle. He wanted to be with me during the procedures...if I get another DIUI on Friday then he'll be able to come along. Tomorrow, however, it's just me, the RE, the nurse, and the strange and almost somber lady that comes with "the goods" in tow.

Obviously, it would be wonderful to get a BFP this cycle. I'm hoping for it, but not counting on it. This is still only my third true time of TTC, what with the azoospermia that we didn't know about for all that time when we first started...man, how I wish I had made my husband get tested sooner!

I was wondering about the guy sitting across from me in the RE's office today, and tried not to be obvious about noticing his discomfort as he sat there alone, waiting for his name to be called. Hubby and I often exchange knowing glances when we see these guys there now, empathizing with them and hoping that they don't get the same news we did. In a twisted sort of way, it's comforting to see all the people that come in and out of that facility. We see people of all races and walks of life, and feel a little less alone in this plight.

So here is where my crazy thoughts come in - what if I am not destined to have children because God's plan is that I devote my life to something else? Do you ever think about those people that have done amazing things in life and noticed they have no children? Think Oprah, Mother Teresa, and all the women you've come across who have amazing lives sans the rug rats. I've often reflected on them and thought that having children would have altered their lives in unimaginable ways, and maybe even impeded their levels of success.

Since my brother died of lung cancer a couple years ago, I have often mulled over taking on this cause and doing for lung cancer what the Susan G. Komen foundation has done for breast cancer. I think that with the experience and business knowledge I have gained through my career that it would be really useful and leverageable to drum up a grass-roots campaign and/or nonprofit venture. People need to get more educated about lung cancer, and stop thinking about it as just a smoker's disease. My brother didn't smoke, and he died of it before he reached the age of 40. This is a disease that is tainted, because people think it is the person's fault for smoking. I've participated in some fundraisers for it, and contribute to several charities focused on cancer. But it doesn't feel like this is enough. I feel like I could make a major contribution and lend a strong voice to this cause. And maybe that's why I'm not getting pregnant. Is that crazy, or what?

Or perhaps I'm meant to focus more on my career, and continue to advance the corporate ladder? I'm a manager already, but maybe I could eventually become a director, and advance even further into the executive ranks. Shoot for the stars, and persevere over that proverbial glass ceiling!

But then I always come back to this overwhelming desire to be a mother, and to raise and nurture a child with the values that my husband and I share. To watch a little being become a toddler, child, teenager, and adult. And to have contributed more in life through this being than anything else I've ever done. And all this brings me back to square one. I really, really want to get pregnant. I'm very good with kids, and they genuinely like me. I'm the auntie who hangs out with my nieces and nephews and engages them in true conversations, beyond the usual comments about how big they've gotten, what grade they're in, and so on. I'm the aunt that feeds them, buys them cool gifts because I'm up on today's trends, and could handle my newest nephew (he's 4 months today) this past weekend with ease. This was the first time I got to meet him, and he took to me right away - and rewarded me with his sweet, sweet smiles, and even copped a feel on one of my boobs. His dad didn't know whether to reprimand him or give him a high-five :)

So here I continue with this third cycle, and these crazy thoughts continue to swirl in my head. I wonder what news Christmas will bring this year.

DIUI #3 and Other Holiday Ramblings

2006-11-30T17:31:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm on to DIUI #3. I'm doing the same drugs and everything, and am currently on cd8 and taking Estress 2x/day. So things are on track as far as TTC is concerned. It took me almost 2 full cycles to realize that all the hormones have made me quite the raging b*tch at times, and what a light bulb went off in my head when my husband sheepishly asked, "Can those drugs that you've been taking make you a little...moody?" Poor guy. We made a pact - I will try to be less moody and volatile and he will try to be sensitive to my challenges and not bait me so much. I think that's a good understanding to reach!

In other life news, I'm not feeling very holiday-ish this year. I suppose this is common for the fertility-challenged, but it's pretty bad. It's not like I'm being a total scrooge, but this is usually my favorite time of year when I would have busted out the holiday decorations already, and in a good year - would even have the lights hung on the house by now! I did have anticipation for the autumn season though, and those are the decorations that still dominate my home right now. Perhaps another reason I'm not into decorating is because I'm not hosting anyone for Christmas this year - we're traveling for both sides of the family. Will I even have the energy to get the tree out and decorate it? Only time will tell.

How are the rest of you feeling about the holidays? Have you started Christmas shopping yet, or are you one of those extremely annoying people that finishes their shopping by July of each year? Ok, you're only annoying because that is way too organized for even an anal person such as myself.

On a more positive note, I am starting to listen to Christmas music. But mainly only this Celtic Christmas album I bought at the end of last year, cause I'm sort of in a Celtic music phase right now. Not the full-blown Nat King Cole tunes or anything like that...although I am learning some classic Christmas songs on the piano. I've been really into piano lately, which is a nice de-stresser in my life. Played growing up, and was intermittent for the last 10 years or so. So it's nice to pick this up again. Better stop the rambling before it gets too out of control.

Hope everyone is feeling positive and optimistic this holiday season - when it gets tough just remember all the good things in your life that you are thankful for. Then take a deep breath...and s-m-i-l-e :)

Not Pregant but Still no Period

2006-11-22T09:52:00.000-08:00

Grr...I am currently at 20 dpo, and tested negative on my blood test taken on Monday. Still no period either. I'm ok that I'm not PG this cycle, I just wish it would act more normal and not make it appear that I might be PG. Stopped the progesterone suppositories and just waiting for AF again. Sigh...

A Beautiful Post

2006-11-11T16:44:00.000-08:00

I came across this post on James Boyce's blog today (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/james-boyce/a-small-but-perfect-exa_b_33341.html), and thought I would share it with all of you:

A Small, But Perfect, Example Of Fearlessness
Courage comes in many sizes. But today, on her 4th birthday, I wanted to introduce you to a small but pure example of Arianna's definition of fearlessness - my daughter Phoebe.

To my daughter:

It's been two and a half years since we brought you into our family, and brought you half way around the world, and from the very moment we met you, you have amazed and blessed me.

On this page, you're surrounded by fearless women, which is why for your birthday, I wanted you here. Because many of these women here have conquered their fear when adults - I think you're the first one to be showcased here because when you conquered unimaginable fear, when you were barely eighteen months old, and not yet three feet tall.

I remember reading and re-reading your paperwork before we flew to China to meet you. "Found in a park," the translation of the police documents, stated, "one day old." One day old in America, you would be wrapped tight and warm and in a nice nursery in a hospital with round-the-clock care and doting parents, grandparents, friends and family, your every cry analyzed and noted.

But at just one day, you were already on your own. Someone smarter than me would know if a baby that young can feel fear, but lying in that park alone, you must have known something was wrong. You lived for eighteen months in orphanage and then, one day your life changed.

They told us you had never been in a car. In what must have been a complete blur to your little heart and eyes, you rode for four hours over Chinese country roads, saw your first hotel, rode your first elevator, and then what was going through your mind when they knocked on our door, and handed you to us.

I can still, and always will be able to close me eyes and see you there.

All your worldly possesions in a tiny purse, wearing your pink pajamas and socks but no shoes. Just a tender little soul, all alone, with everything and everyone they ever knew in life, gone forever in the time it takes for a hotel door to close.

Your body and face were pure fear, primal, and complete. You clawed at the door, and the wall, you screamed louder than any human may ever have.

But fearlessness isn't the absence of fear, it's the abilty to overcome your fears. And you did.

We spent our first night together as a family, you never closed your eyes. We had our first meal, our first trip to the park, our first everything.

I once actually had a woman tell me "you were so brave to go to China and adopt a girl." That's laughable. Imagine, someone calling me brave for flying in business class as an adult with my family, knowing where I was going and what was happening - no, I wasn't the brave one that day.

You flew home with us and didn't cry once, not from Hong Kong to Tokyo, not from Tokyo to Los Angeles, not from Los Angeles to Boston, not one peep. You faced your adventure, unable to speak with us, with the same strength you faced your first day on earth.

I remember when you tumbled in the airport in Los Angeles as we were changing planes. A full face plant in front of twenty people onto the concrete floor. You could hear the people gasp, waiting for your cries that never came. You just stood up, brushed yourself on and caught up with us. I realized that it was because no one would ever come when you cried at the orphange, so why bother. That realization still troubles me.

Now you proudly ask people where they are from, listen as they answer and then tell them you're from China. You love your brother and your mother and me. You explore the world and life with a sense of purpose and determination that we all love so much.

I'm not sure I will ever see pure fear like I did that day when we met you.

I know I never again will see such courage.

Happy Birthday Phoebe.

I love you.

I Wonder Who Else is IF-Challenged

2006-11-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

As hubby and I keep our fingers crossed that this is the cyle we get PG, I've been wondering who else is IF-challenged. We know many couples who have been married for some time and have no children, and always thought it was by choice. And while this may be the case, we now also wonder if they have strugged with infertility like we have been. Oh, how I wish I could take back all those times (pre-IF) that I would ask couples when they would have children - because I know how much it stings when people ask the same of us. Your sensitivity meter sure skyrockets when you're going through IF yourself, doesn't it? But when people throw those questions at me, although it may sting and be painful, I just keep repeating to myself something I heard Oprah say once, "When you know better, you do better..."

You may notice at the bottom of my blog that I have included a link to the RESOLVE web site. I am not currently a member, but am checking out the organization and mulling over whether I want to get more involved with them. In searching through their site, I came across this blurb:

"Infertility affects approximately 10% of the population. Since infertility strikes diverse groups-affecting people from all socioeconomic levels and cutting across all racial, ethnic and religious lines - chances are great that a friend, relative, neighbor or perhaps you are attempting to cope with the medical and emotional aspects of infertility."

This really made me take pause. Amd it made me wonder who else I may know who may be dealing with the same problem as hubby and I.

A Sign of Things to Come?

2006-11-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

Here's a quick summary of what's been happening this week:

Tuesday - Went in for ultrasound and I have 1 follicle per side. They were worried about whether we would proceed with IUI this cycle because the dominant follicle was on the right side (and my right tube is blocked).

Wednesday - Another ultrasound showed that the left follicle grew. I also tested positive on the OPK.

Today - Had an IUI. The sperm count was 19 million! I guess they usually look for 10 million or more. As I lay on the table after the IUI, listening to the kitchen timer - I tried to visualize what 19 million swimmers would look like. Another ultrasound revealed I haven't ovulated yet, so I'm back in tomorrow for another IUI.

Here's the amusing thing - I use a fertility tracking software that tracks your cycle, meds, and provides cycle forecasting based on your cycle history. As I entered in the latest events, I was surprised to see that the prediction for this cycle showed me pregnant on 11/20. This is the first time it's ever done this, even when I've had optimal timing in previous cycles. Maybe this is a positive sign of things to come!

Feeling a Little Blah

2006-10-30T21:52:00.000-08:00

I'm on cd13 and still no surge. This is not a surprise. I go in tomorrow for the fun ultrasound and to see how many follies the hot flash-producing drugs have stimulated in my ovaries. I will probably ovulate in the next couple of days or so, if my previous cycle that resulted in the chemical pregnancy is any indication of timing.

I feel like I should be more excited than I am. Defense mechanism? Probably. But here's the crazy thing - I'm afraid that if I don't have a good attitude about it that it might not take. You know, the mind-body connection, stuff like that.

On top of all this, I am fairly stressed about work. Yes, I am missing a very important meeting that my boss said I didn't have to travel for. My boss was pretty darn cool about it. Why can't I just be more of a guy, and take the boss' word at face value and move on without all the over-analyzing? Because I'm a chick, that's why. This is what chicks do. We take a perfectly good situation, over-analyze the heck out of it, and worriedly twiddle our thumbs as we play through all the what-if scenarios. What if my boss really isn't ok with this, and is just playing nice? Women are pretty darn notorious for avoiding confrontation and not expressing their true feelings, especially when they're anything but nice. What if this jeopardizes my career, at least in the short term? What if I have now been knocked down a peg or two in my boss' eyes? Should I have just skipped this cycle and gone to the dang meeting?!

The meeting starts tomorrow. On top of all this, I have to go to the RE's office for the ultrasound, and have to hightail it home in time to call in to the meeting that I didn't travel for. I hope my husband can come with me, so that I can call into the meeting from my cell phone if we can't make it home in time. My husband is working day and night on his current catastrophic project at work. So it's not like he's just sitting around waiting to chaeuffer me to my RE appointments. But he is being a dear, and refused to travel this week because he wanted to be here with me for my IUI(s).

Perhaps it's good that I'm so busy; it could make for a relatively painless 2ww. I just hope that all this juggling, planning, and sacrificing is all worth it. I really do.

Life revolves around getting knocked up

2006-10-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

So I started a new cycle a few days ago, and am humming along with the fertility drugs. Taking Clomid right now, and am happy to report that the hot flashes have yet to begin. Instead of being so depressed last cycle after the miscarriage, I am now dutifully distracted by all the drugs, cycle days, and other various details one has to pay attention to when trying to conceive.

I have been super-busy at work, and so has hubby. While it has been a challenge, I've been thinking we've been doing a pretty damn good job; leaning on each other as needed, and the not-so-busy person picking up the slack without needing to be asked. And then trading places appropriately. Then, some business travel of mine just got reshuffled, and BAM!...it's smack dab in my ovulation window.

I try not to think of myself as a special person just because of my IF challenges. I know that people are challenged in a myriad of ways, so my IF plight is just par for the course. It just really stinks when you're doing your best to hum along in life (with IF being a subset of said life), and you realize your life really does revolve around it because it's such a timing game. I talked to hubby about the trip, and we both decided we wouldn't travel that week. Period. So I told my boss I had a personal conflict, and she was ok with it. Hopefully this isn't a foreboding of things to come with future cycles.

Let the New Cycle Begin

2006-10-18T17:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, today is Day 1 of my new cycle. I do have a question for people, though. If you had a miscarriage previously, or know someone who did - did the start of your next period begin with old blood? I had a little spotting last night that was brown, and then I started full-flow today. The RE thought it might be related to the drugs I took previously, but that explanation sounded a bit strange to me. How come you can never think of good questions until after you hang up?

I just spoke to a nurse from the RE's office, and I'm going to follow the same protocol as my previous IUI cycle. Clomid, Estress, HCG shot, IUI. Apparently I had 2 follicles on either side last cycle! I thought I only had 1 on each side...

So here we embark on our 2nd attempt via DIUI. It is nice to be starting anew. It gives me hope and gets me out of the little spiral I was in (this is not to say I won't spiral again, but let's just take one day at a time). Bring it on!

My Breaking Point

2006-10-09T20:49:00.000-07:00

I grew up a casually religious person. Casual in that I always felt that I believed in God, but had never gotten deep into church or the Bible, and didn't feel right affiliating myself with deeply religious people. Not that I had anything against them, I just felt uncomfortable hanging out with them knowing that I didn't share their convictions. Now for the deeply religous folks who largely kept their beliefs out of mainstream conversation, I was fine. But for the ones who were always wrapping your life around your religion - this made me feel weird.

However, later in life - I have started to ask some of those life questions, and when my family experienced a tragedy two years ago - I found an enormous amount of comfort and strength from a then new church that my husband and I found. We attended regularly for about a year, and then tapered off when life started to normalize and we started to think how nice it would be to find a smaller church that could provide more intimacy amongst church-goers. We never found that smaller church.

Then, with everything that's been going on in our lives, I had started to get the yearning to attend church this past weekend. Funny enough, my husband mentioned it on Saturday as well. So we went on Sunday. It felt nice sitting in the church again, and as I admired the woodwork on the ceiling, the associate pastor began her prayer during the collecting of tithes. I barely remember the words, but they hit me like a ton of bricks. Her comforting voice, her powerful words...it was too much. I started to cry. Right there in church. Imagine my utter shock when I next saw the title of this week's message, "The Breaking Point". I felt like God was talking directly to me. I have felt so alone during all this, as if He has forgotten about me, or is playing some cruel joke on me. Maybe I have forgotten about Him. And I have found my way back.

I cried during the entire service. Not a sobbing cry; just tears flowing down my face the whole time, and the occasional nose-blowing. I'm sure other people noticed me, but nobody made a big deal out of it. I did notice one lady at the end of the service. She looked at me a couple of times. I didn't really return the look, but I could tell it was just a look of concern. That made me feel a little better. And my DH was there the whole time. He asked if I wanted to leave, but I said no. How could I leave when this message was here for me?

Here's what I got out of the sermon: When you have reached the breaking point, your thoughts and emotions are impacted in a radical manner different than when things are just humming along in life. It impacts your perspective and makes you forget the good things. And it makes that additional pain that much harder to take. While it can seem like no big deal, someone who is in that state of emotional stress does not process life's little bumps effectively. Boy, is that the truth.

Even though I have a job that is pretty great, I have let recent events at work really get me down. And I'm normally a pretty optimistic person. I think I've realized in the back of my mind that I'm responding to things differently due to my IF challenges, but this sermon really put things into perspective. It was like - of course things have been tough, look at everything you've been through these last two years! I lost a brother and dear friend to cancer, and have been dealing with the IF blues. And I have a very demanding job that has had an incredible amount of change and churn...

But the purpose of this post is not to complain about my life. Because I have a huge amount to be thankful for. I come from an extremely close-knit family, and I see them all the time. I have many wonderful nieces and nephews, and they make me smile and laugh with their innocent questions (the younger ones) and teenage trials and tribulations. I have a small group of very close girlfriends that "get" me. I can call them at any hour of any day and cry my eyes out. I have done this. They have done this with me, too. I have a really cool dog. When I am sad, he comes up to me and looks right at my soul with eyes that understand my grief. And his usual jubliant self is quiet, and sits with me for support. I have a beautiful home in a wonderful neighborhood, with some great neighbors. I have really made my house a home, and have all kinds of relics from my happy youth, and from my various travels around the world. I have been fortunate to travel quite a bit, both on business and pleasure. I've been to some fantastic destinations, both domestic and international, and will always cherish those experiences. And I have a husband who I am completely in love with, and with whom our relationship continues to evolve and deepen with each "experience" that life throws at us. IF is definitely no exception!

This is the perspective that has been clouded by my grief as I have reached my breaking point. I am so thankful that God has reminded me of this. I have thanked Him several times today. I'm sure I will thank him again tonight. And tomorrow. And the next day.

So please, all of my IF sisters: If you find yourself on the tumultuous path to your breaking point, or are already there - remember to right your perspective and take a deep breath. And if you're a believer of God, talk to Him, believe in Him, and He will be there. And take another deep breath. And tomorrow will be a better day. It was for me.

I Sent Him an Email

2006-10-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

As a follow-up to my last post, I wanted to provide an update on what I did last night. After the feeling-sorry-for-myself stage passed, my husband called me. Still feeling blue and uncommunicative, I wasn't very chatty, and our discussion was brief. Then I felt like a complete jerk, and wrote him an email.

I told him how, although I've had my good days, I've had some really bad days as well. And that, although I know he's got a lot of stress in his life, that this sort of trumps all that other stuff because...well, because it does. I told him I was sorry for coming off as mean, aloof, and distant. And then I told him that I really miss and love him, and can't wait for him to come home on Friday so we can make the most of our weekend (I leave on business Monday night). He responded like the gem that he is. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Back to Normal

2006-10-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

I went in for another HCG test on Saturday, and I finally tested negative. So I guess that means my body processed the miscarriage fully on its own, and now I just wait for my period before I kick it into high gear again.

This has been a reflective day. Maybe it's the cloudy weather that's got me feeling a bit ho-hum. You all must be thinking I'm a bit bipolar, what with my last post proclaiming my utter happiness with life, and this one, that is on the gloomy side.

Let me explain why I'm sad. I have always been a great communicator when it comes to work, school, arguing with the sales clerk on why she should allow me to return an item, etc. You know, the easy stuff. But when it comes to emotions, I am NOT one to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I tend to bottle stuff up. My husbands says so. It's been a couple of weeks since the whole miscarriage started, and sometimes I just get down about it. And I don't want to sound like a broken record about it with my husband, so I just acknowledge that I'm sad and let myself experience the plethora of emotions. Then the logical side of me kicks in, and I tell myself that while this was sad, this was only my first DIUI, it's a good sign that I even got PG, etc., etc., etc.

And then I get upset because my DH hasn't picked up on the fact that I'm sad, and wonder how he can be so insensitive about this, because, excuse me - it needs to be about me right now. I know, it's totally unfair. He can't read my mind. But he has so much crap going on in his life right now, I just keep my mouth shut so that I don't add to it.

So then I go and listen to sad music, look at the gloomy day, and let myself be sad. Oh, and he went out of town on business again today, and won't be back till Friday. I'm away on business next week, and 2 weeks after that. Even though we have our weekends together, just knowing that all this time apart is coming up just sucks. Because even though I'm not being the best communicator about what I'm going through, just having his presence really does help. And now he's gone again.

A Post Unrelated to IF

2006-09-29T16:59:00.000-07:00

While my life has pretty much revolved around IF lately, I am on an official respite from the topic since I'm sitting out of the game this month. I'm actually pretty happy today. Here are some of the reasons why:

TV
- A bunch of good TV shows are back again: Grey's Anatomy, Lost, Nip/Tuck
- And some new ones that I like: Men in Trees, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Really bummed that Related got canceled, though. For those of you who don't know that one, it was about a family of four sisters and their lives and relationship with each other. It was a pretty wacky family, but extremely endearing. Why do they always have to cancel the shows that I love? They got rid of Everwood, too. Dang them!

Movies
2 of the 4 guys on my "island" are now in a movie together: Matt Damon and Mark Wahlberg in the upcoming The Departed. This is truly a reason to celebrate. If you don't know what I'm referring to with the island reference...don't ask :)

Workout Progress
I've worked out every night but one this week! And the desire to continue doing so is still strong. Definitely a good thing, and I feel better about myself, too.

Weather
It's supposed to get into the 70's this weekend, and cloudy, too. Fall weather, come on over! Thoughts of bundling up, sweaters, and fall festivals abound. Maybe we'll go pick apples this weekend and savor the smell of hot apple cider. Mmmm....

My Husband's Back
He was out of town on business all week, and he got back last night. It was a very good...ahem...home-coming! That makes us both happy :)

TGIF
It was a tough week at work, but rewarding in certain ways as well. There's nothing like a Friday when you feel like you've accomplished good things and really earned that paycheck. Cheesy, but honest. You know what I mean??

The Weekend is Wide Open
No plans, we've got a blank slate. Sometimes those are the best kinds of weekends. I think I'll wake up, make some good coffee, and enjoy the crisp morning in the backyard. And watch the hummingbirds enjoy their sugar water from my feeder. Hope they don't fight too much over it. They love that stuff.

There's probably more, but that's all that comes to mind right now. I'm just in a pretty contented state of mind, and in this uncertain / disappointing / angry / resentful / confusing world of IF, I thought I'd share! Hope you all have a great weekend.

Moving Right Along

2006-09-26T20:11:00.000-07:00

I went in for another blood draw on Saturday, and my HCG level had decreased to 36. I go in again this weekend for another test, because they want to make sure my levels get back to zero. So, things are moving right along. I think AF may finally be over. I normally have a 3-day period, and this one was just under 7 days long. I'm glad it's over - I haven't had such a long period since I was a teenager!

So now I'm in the zone of just being normal again, and have been enjoying my caffeine, sushi, and wine. I'm also completely stoked that fall is finally here. It really is my favorite season, as thoughts of crisp mornings, fall foliage, and cozy nights beckon. It's a comforting season to me, and I even look forward to Halloween - when I get to see all the kids turn out in their wackiest, sweetest, and silliest costumes.

I've resolved to get back into shape as well. I grew up a thin girl, and have gained pounds over the years like many of us tend to do...sigh. I don't think I'd be considered overweight, but I just don't feel like me. So I've been working out and regulating my diet more. I'm not a fanatical dieter who gets into calorie-counting and regimented workout routines. It's more little life changes that I am hoping to turn into good habits again. So here goes!

It Started Today

2006-09-19T12:55:00.000-07:00

Although I have been feeling signs of the impending miscarriage for a few days now (more cramping, pain in my upper thigh, back pain), it started today in a more obvious manner with the arrival of AF. It's not extremely heavy, but I have passed some tissue. And now the blood is bright red, not the brown spotting I've been having up to this point. I knew I would start today when I got all the pre-period symptoms that I usually get. That certain lower back pain, those certain cramps you get...those familiar pains were there, but at a multiple of maybe 3. Intense sugar cravings, too. It was painful for me to see the tissue on the toilet paper today. Lots of questions swirl through my mind..."Did you ever form into an embryo, or was your development stopped before it ever began? Why did this have to happen, God? I thought that you had finally blessed me like you have blessed everyone else in my family? I know I've had a great and blessed life, but why this additional challenge?"

It's life's great challenges that bring me closer to God. They also make me question, scream, moan, and weep. I have mixed emotions today. On the one hand, I'm glad that AF has begun, and anxiously wonder if my body will regulate soon - the next thing I know, I'll be embarking on IUI #2. On the other hand, I am sad. Don't really feel like talking to people about this, but blogging is different. It allows me to express my feelings in a targeted community that can relate to my experiences on such a deeper level. We have a shared pain, and our shared elations are that much sweeter because of it. I so look forward to sharing in some joy with you all in the future. And I hope to share in some of YOUR joy as well.

I'm ok...

2006-09-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much to everyone who has posted such supportive comments. My husband has been very supportive as well, but you get a different/complementary type of support from women that just can't be denied! You all rock!

So I'm doing ok...for some reason, I started to have a sinking feeling about this pregnancy last week, when I saw how low my HCG numbers were. By the time Saturday rolled around and I saw that my numbers had decreased, I was a bit prepped for it, mentally. I just sat at the kitchen table and cried a little bit. Not even the sobbing, put-your-whole-body-into-it type of crying, just lots of tears rolling down my face. Then, hubby and I went out to a nice steak dinner, and I had a glass of wine.

The good news is I can enjoy my wine again during this respite from baby-making, and even have an occasional mocha or two (I'm not a huge caffeine addict, I just think mochas are yummy, albeit high-calorie indulgences). Add sushi to the list, too.

The bad news is that I have to be in this wait-and-see mode now. Best case, I start AF soon, and have another cycle after that (when I can go for IUI #2). Worst case, my body takes longer to regulate, or I don't have a normal miscarriage on my own. I did start some very light spotting (brown) a few days ago, and have started to feel some cramping that's a little stronger than normal. So I think my body is in the process of the miscarriage - just wondering how long it's going to take to get things back to normal.

The main pregnancy symptoms that are still with me are the sore boobs and heightened sense of smell. Boy, has that one been something! I've been gagging on ladies' perfumes, the "scent-free" lotion that my husband used this morning, and even on the mint Chapstick that I previously loved so much...now it just plain stinks :)

Thank goodness I have found so many interesting blogs to keep me busy during this waiting period...

Numbers Went Down

2006-09-16T15:36:00.000-07:00

Four days ago, my HCG level was 181. Today, it's 131. Stopping all meds, have to sit out at least 1 cycle before I can try again. I'm bummed.

Number are Rising...Not Fast Enough?

2006-09-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

I went in for another blood draw today, and my HCG level is now 181. It was 52.9 four days ago, and the nurse said that the good news is the levels are rising, but that they're still not as high as they usually like to see. I go in for another blood draw this Saturday, and she thinks that will be fairly conclusive in showing that I have a viable pregnancy or not.

Although I still feel pretty positive about my overall state, of course the nerves have started to sink in. It probably doesn't help that I'm blogging right after my conversation with her, either. Almost like drinking and dialing...except I'm getting scary news and blogging :)

Has anyone experienced (or know anyone who has) lower HCG levels than normal and had normal pregnancies? On the one hand, I get information from Dr. Google that says as long as your HCG levels continuously rise, you're ok; "normal" levels vary widely from woman to woman. It also says that although your numbers should double every 48-72 hours, that even a 60% increase is acceptable and considered normal. Although I started at a low number, they seem to be increasing ok when I do the math...yet I still get the cautious tone from the nurses every time they report the numbers to me. They also say that it is absolutely possible for me to have a normal pregnancy, blah...blah...blah.

Now I have to count the days till Saturday and hope for good and conclusive results...Sigh...

Proof Positive

2006-09-11T14:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile...our computer has been on the fritz. It's amazing the withdrawals that one goes through when one can't get their blog fix! So I went in for another blood test on Friday, and my HCG level was 52.9. So it definitely went up, and more than tripled in four days. Definitely proof positive that I'm pregnant, since some experts categorize you in this blurry category of "equivocal" if you're between 5-25. I go in for another test tomorrow, because this is still considered a low HCG level for the stage that I'm at. But from everything I read, it looks like it's more important to have rising levels than to get fixated on the number itself. And in about 2 weeks' time (6 weeks gestation) I should be getting an ultrasound which should be more reliable in showing how the pregnancy is progressing than relying on HCG numbers alone.

So I am allowing myself to be a little more excited than after the initial news, because at least now I have a better indication of pregnancy. I also am experiencing quite a few PG symptoms, the main ones being:

- I'm tired all the time! Even when I'm having a good day, this sudden feeling of "Ok, I need to lay down" will rush over me in a flash.
- Headaches. Started getting them pretty quick after ovulation/IUI, and I haven't shaken them yet. Although they seem to be less frequent the last few days.
- Back pain. It's different than the back pain I'd get before AF - not only does it hit my lower back, but it often creeps up to either my mid or entire back as well! When this comes on it gets really difficult for me to be comfortable at work. Sit...stand...sit...stand...I'm just plain uncomfortable!
- Gag reflex. My gag reflex is really sensitive when I brush my teeth in the morning, especially when I brush my tongue. Ugh...
- Wacky sense of smell. I was gagging on the smell of Krispy Kreme donuts the other day - it didn't even smell like donuts! I love donuts...
- Occasional queasiness. Not enough to vomit yet, knock on wood.
- Emotional wreck. I've always been on the mushy side, and shed tears of empathy during the touching parts in movies. But lately, I've been a bit more...unstable than usual. Let's just say I've been so damn weepy, my husband looks at me (and usually catches me) at any remotely touching moment depicted on the tube, and sighs and laughs simultaneously as he hops up to get me some tissue. And I was really pissed the other day as we had to weave around all the carts in the aisle at Home Depot. How could the cart retriever guy be so clueless? Hello!!! You just walked by two stinkin' carts that are getting in everyone's way!
- Sweaty palms and feet. Yep, still dealing with this lovely symptom too! I'm just glad it's starting to cool down in these parts, because with the cooler weather we experienced over the weekend, my symptoms weren't as bad as they have been.

Also - although my HCG levels are "low", I have a good feeling about this PG. It may be wishful thinking, but I'd like to think it's women's intuition, or whatever you want to dub it. So I'm not sharing my news widely (aren't you all lucky in blog-land??) until I hit my second trimester. In the meantime, I'm savoring up all the information I can about pregnancy, what to do, what not to do, helpful tips, etc.

I'm also taking lots of naps :)

There's Good News..and Other News

2006-09-04T14:22:00.000-07:00

I went in for a blood test today, and just got the results. The test indicates that I am indeed pregnant, but my HCG level was only 14.7 - very low for where I should be at this point. This could mean that I have an ectopic pregnancy, or it could also mean that my pregnancy continues normally, the HCG levels increase, and I go on to deliver a healthy baby. I go back this Friday for a re-test, and in the meantime, I continue on my prenatal vitamins and progesterone suppositories.

So the good news is that I'm pregnant! I knew it, I just knew it. The flip side though is that the nurse instructed me to be "cautiously optimistic", because those HCG numbers were pretty low. Of course I am about to go Google about low HCG levels, and learn what I can about this. I would really appreciate your thoughts and prayers - I could use all the help I can get!

Getting Tested Tomorrow

2006-09-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I am 16 dpo...and still no AF. I took a hpt today, but I don't think I had enough urine since the reference line was pretty light (it was negative). I go to the RE tomorrow for an official pregnancy test, and it was slightly amusing when the receptionist at the office today was so upbeat and hopeful for me when the treatment I've received at that office has ranged from lukewarm to cold. They've not been a horrible office, but they haven't knocked my socks off, either. So tomorrow, we'll see what the blood test says.

Ok, total honesty now...I don't want to jinx myself, but I just feel pregnant. I'm even being so bold as to not wear a pantiliner during the day because I just don't feel like AF is going to come. Yesterday I came up with what I thought was a great idea and decided I wanted to do a little day-trip to a small town about 1 hour driving distance from where we live. It was a beautiful, windy (windy, as in way curvy road, not as in the gusts were blowing at 50 mph) drive. I woke up with a headache, and realized that when we got into the windy parts of the drive, that it was really making my head feel worse - then I got really woozy. I'm not normally a gal who gets car-sick, and we've done this drive several times before. By the time we arrived, I hurriedly got out of the car, fearing that my worst fear of vomiting in the middle of this small town was going to come to fruition. But we started walking, and as we made our way through several antique shops, the queasiness started to go away. Once we stopped for lunch, I started to feel much better.

Boobs are sore, and I seem to have a headache every day now. I just feel different from all my previous cycles, and I never have such a long luteal phase, either. So we'll see. I'm cautiously optimistic, but also haven't let myself get too excited because it could just be I'm having a freakishly strange cycle and still get my period - just really, really late. I dunno...tomorrow will be interesting!

My Husband has Hope...but my Temps are Dropping

2006-09-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

I am currently at 14 dpo, and haven't taken a hpt yet. All my previous cycles (prior to knowing about the azoospermia), I would test like a mad-woman, way earlier than any significant HCG levels would have been present. Then I would spiral as I saw BFN after BFN. This is the first cycle since the diagnosis that I have a true chance of becoming PG...and I have yet to test. Part of it is I don't want to repeat that vicious (and truly un-fun - is that a word?) cycle. The other part is, I don't want to get that BFN. If I don't test, there is still hope.

What I have been doing ocassionally though, is taking my temps. I took my temp yesterday when I woke up, and although lower, it was still higher than usual. I didn't temp faithfully this cycle, so don't know my exact coverline. However, I've done it enough in the past that I know my body pretty well and can guesstimate what a "high" or "low" temp is for me. This morning, my temp was even lower, so it looks like AF may be right around the corner.

Here is why I am ok with this. First of all, this is my first shot at IUI, and I only got one insemination. It would be awesome if I'm PG, but it almost feels selfish for me to want it this quickly and immediately. Especially when I see the long road others in blog-land have traveled to get to the prize. So I am ok with being patient a little bit longer. What a different perspective I have ever since I've started blogging. I'm so thankful for everything I've learned about others' experiences, and find it so therapeutic to vent in such a supportive network of people. Thanks, everybody!

The other reason I'm ok with this is to see the evolution of my DH. He's a pretty pessimistic person - he calls it realism, and is an approach he's developed to help him deal with the harshness of life. If he doesn't hope too much, he won't be as hurt/disappointed. I, on the other hand, am an eternal optimist. I have my dark moments, but they're usually fairly fleeting. Even when we first learned of the azoospermia, I didn't have as many breakdowns as I would have expected to have. I like those "Life is Good" t-shirts and apparel - they make me smile. And yes, I own a t-shirt and baseball cap with those logos, expressions of my attitude towards life. My hubby made me take pause the other day. As we were wondering about whether or not this was the cycle, he said he had a good feeling about it. And he wasn't doing it just to B/S me. He knows I'd see right through it, and he just isn't that type of person. This was the first time I've ever heard him talk this way, and it was so huge to me when I consider what a personal struggle it's been for him to deal with his fertility issues.

So even if this is not "the month", I'm ok with it. Hubby and I are on a great path, and I'm so thankful for it!

Redecorating During the 2WW

2006-08-28T22:16:00.000-07:00

I am proud of myself in that I didn't obsess too much about my symptoms today. I have been eating like crap, though, so with the slight chance that I may be PG, I actually forced myself to eat a pear. For some reason, I've been living like a bachelorette since my husband's been away on business, and have been perfectly content having Baskin Robbins Peanut Butter Chocolate ice cream for dinner. Mmmm...ice cream (just picture Homer from the Simpsons saying this part). Then, in anticipation of the ice cream dinner, I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill, and quite enjoyed myself as I sang (ok, yelled) some of my favorite songs out loud while listening to my iPod. And yes, one of those songs was actually Brittany Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time". I'm a closet fan of teenage music, and will also sheeplishly admit to everyone in blog-land that I like Backstreet Boys' "I Want it That Way". Ah, the joys of having hubby out of town and only a loyal dog who loves me no matter how awful my voice is.

So to kill time and distract me from doing more internet searches on pregnancy symptoms, I decided to do some blog redecorating and change the template I'm using. I like it better, I think. What I don't like is the darn section of the site where you can update your template. It's so darn manual, and the screen is not very big, so lot's of scrolling action to find the section of code you want to edit. I wish I could manage my blog in FrontPage - does anyone know if this is possible? I will research that one of these days...

Ok, the only other "symptom" that I will share (and apologies in advance for the TMI, especially to the men) - my nipples have been pretty sensitive the last few days, but my boobs aren't. This is different than usual because if I have breast tenderness leading up to AF, it's usually an all or nothing type of deal - boobs and nipples. But currently it's just nipples. Things that make you go hmm...

Loving the Sweaty Hands and Feet...Not!

2006-08-27T21:18:00.000-07:00

Again, not sure if this is a pregnancy sign or if it's the progesterone messing with me again, but I've been dealing with another pleasant side effect lately. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have sweaty hands and feet. Apparently, this is a not-too-uncommon phenomenon for non-pregant folks, and I have Google'd various tips and tricks on how to deal with this unpleasantry. Rubbing antiperspirant on said surfaces is supposed to help, but I'm afraid the chalky substance all over my laptop's keyboard would just be too icky. One lady even wrote about putting a pantiliner in your shoes. Discreet AND absorbent! Oh, my.

I know this is a pregnancy symptom, so if this is my plight and I am in fact PG, bring it on. I'll deal with it. But if this is just another stinkin' side effect and nasty AF arrives - that will just plain suck! Been feeling particularly hormonal, too. I did put hubby on notice about this the other day, when it was coming on strong. Tonight, I just feel depressed. Really depressed. It's a bit of a pity party, and it doesn't help that I watched a 2-hour recap of 9/11 and followed that up with another sad rerun of Grey's Anatomy. That show, and ER, always make me ball like a school-girl. Oh, and I'm listening to Vonda Sheperd and Norah Roberts right now. Yes, I'm a glutton for punishment. Deep breath...I need to go hug my dog.

Early Pregnancy Sign, or Progesterone Side Effects?

2006-08-23T20:11:00.000-07:00

I'm not obsessing, really. Ok, maybe a little bit. But how do you not obsess when the BFP has been so alluring yet out of reach for so long? I think people may say they just kicked back during their 2ww, but who are we kidding here? It takes every bit of will-power for me to not do endless internet searches on early pregnancy symptoms, or think that every twinge, cramp, and bloat is a sign that this is the month.

I am currently at 5 dpo, and have been on the progesterone suppositories for 4 days. Here are some of the symptoms I've been experiencing:

IUI day: During dinner on the day that I got inseminated, I got this horrible headache that felt like my head was being squeezed, and interspersed with this constant sensation, I also had these horrible shooting pains in the back of my head. This lasted until late-afternoon the next day, after I took a couple of Tylenol.

1 dpo - present: Been having trouble sleeping through the night, and have been really, really tired. I read that this could be a side effect of the progesterone? Has anyone else experienced this?

3 dpo - present: A ton of cramping and bloating. The cramping doesn't hurt bad, I just feel twinges here and there. Yesterday I felt some mild cramping around my right ovary, and today it was at my left ovary. I also feel twinges around my uterine area, and it feels like a busy place. It feels as if there is "construction" going on. As for the bloating, it's similar to the worst kind of bloating I get on the months that this occurs prior to AF. It seems a bit early for me to be bloating this much if I'm not PG, but I kind of forget the exact timing when I usually experience this.

4 dpo: Last night, I got a pretty insatiable craving for something salty. This would ordinarily be no biggie, as it used to be a PMS symptom for me as a teenager. However, the feeling was really strong, and I haven't had this as a PMS symptom for years. If anything, I typically get intense sugar cravings, and need something moist and chocolate-y. Cakes, brownies, or cookies usually do the trick. But last night I was truly bummed when I saw that we were all out of microwave popcorn. Must remember to add that to the shopping list.

So what do you think? Is the Progesterone messing with my body and making me think I might be PG even though I may not be at all? As I write this, I'm thinking, "you need to stop obsessing about this...go read a book or something..." - but I'm so tired right now, I know that if I started to read a book (and I'm actually in the middle of an extremely intriguing one right now) that I'd just end up falling asleep. I hope hubby comes home soon so he can entertain me - and keep me awake!

Dolly the Dove

2006-08-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

We have a dove that built a nest in the eaves right above our front door. Hubby heard her building it all day a couple Fridays ago, and was wondering what all those scratching noises were. He discovered the nest on Saturday, when he walked out and scared the bejeesus out of her as he peered at his newfound discovery. It makes me chuckle to think of them looking at each other, eye to eye, and backing up (or in her case, flying) in shock.

I have a newfound appreciation for birds, which started when I got myself a hummingbird feeder last spring. It took a couple weeks for any hummers to find the feeder, to my great anxiety. Finally, I added a couple drops of red food coloring in the sugar water, and they discovered it in a jiffy - and have been loyal feeders ever since. They're fairly bold creatures, and let us glimpse them up close by diving for a sip or a longer drink when we're sitting just yards away on the patio furniture, and even sometimes when I'm standing just below the feeder itself.

Our neighborhood seems to have a plethora of winged creatures. I'm not much of a bird expert, but I'm fairly certain that in addition to the hummingbirds and doves, that we also have sparrows, robins, and the blue-feathered ones - I forget what those ones are called, but they really like to torture our dog by sitting on the fence and shouting birdie profanities at him.

So back to the dove. I am assuming that the bird is a female, and it gave me a strange type of satisfaction to know that she chose the eaves in OUR house to build her modest abode. Well, it looks modest from my viewing angle, but it could be quite impressive as far as nests go. So with the assumption that the bird is a "she", I immediately decided to name her Dolly. I check on the nest every time I back my car out of the garage, and sometimes she is there, and sometimes she isn't. Actually, I haven't seen her at all in the last week or so. At first I figured she was out with the gals, maybe on a jaunt for more nest fixin's. But now I'm not so sure. Maybe she realized the error of her ways, what with building a nest practically on top of a garage door that loudly opens and closes several times a day! Or maybe something happened to her?! Since I'm trying not to over-analyze every facet of my life while I'm in the 2WW, perhaps I've been over-doing it with the Operation Dove Watch. I should never have named her...that is the lesson I will walk away with.

Dolly, if you're out there...come home!

In the 2WW

2006-08-21T18:43:00.000-07:00

So I guess I haven't posted about the actual insemination...! It was relatively straightforward and painless, which I was very glad for. Once I saw the doc pull out the catheter, I started to get a tad anxious based on my only other experience with a catheter in the ole cervix during the HSG procedure. This went much better! I think the whole procedure lasted about 5 minutes, and then they set a timer for 10 minutes, instructed me to lay still till the timer went off, then I was free to go. My husband made a humorous observation that it was like boiling eggs. Set the timer, wait, and voila! In this case, we didn't want my eggs to cook, of course, but this experience was still somewhat analogous in an odd sort of way.

Last night, I started on the Progresterone suppositories. Those are not loads of fun, but I'll do whatever it takes to increase my chances of maintaining a healthy pregnancy. I take them from now on, and even once I have been deemed pregnant. So this is just another daily ritual that I'll have to incorporate into my routine. No biggie.

Thanks to everyone for their well wishes!

Insemination: Take One

2006-08-18T09:42:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I went to the doctor yesterday, and the ultrasound showed that my 2 follicles have continued to develop nicely. She also delivered the unexpected compliment that I had a "gorgeous uterus"....you're making me blush, doc! I got an HCG shot in the rear, which made me feel pretty bloated and uncomfortable the rest of the afternoon and evening. I return today to get my first insemination, so please keep your fingers crossed for me!

Houston, We Have 2 Follicles...

2006-08-16T12:20:00.000-07:00

Now that my venting is complete (see previous post), I can more calmly provide an update on my doctor's appointment yesterday. Let's see, I spent 3o minutes in traffic hightailing it to the facility, and was calmed by the fact that I ended up arriving 5 minutes early. I then spent over an hour waiting to be seen, and was even interrupted at one point by the doctor I would end up seeing who called me the wrong name because he had entered the wrong room. Ok, I'm really not feelin' the love right now. Ok, the venting is really done now. I think.

So this cycle, I currently have 2 follicles developing (guess the Clomid is working), 1 on each side. The one on my left side is slightly bigger, which I take as a good sign since that is my "good side" (since the right tube may be blocked). I tested negative on the ovulation predictor kit (OPK) this morning, and am scheduled to go back to the doc's office tomorrow afternoon. I am hoping hubby can accompany me so I don't feel like such a loser sitting there by myself amongst all the other couples in the waiting room. I know, not a sensible feeling to have, but it's one of those irrational thoughts that creeps into my head all the same.

Will post again after my appointment on Thursday. I wonder how many cycles it is going to take for me to finally get PG.

Will I Ever See the Same Doctor Twice??

2006-08-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

Let me just start by saying that although azoospermia is a plight that hubby and I must deal with, I also feel very blessed to have such a wonderful husband and that all in all, the whole process of finding the right donor sperm and all that other stuff has been pretty smooth. I also have a heightened appreciation for the availability of donor sperm here in the US, since the supply in the UK is becoming more and more constrained (more on that in the "Azoospermia - WTF" and "The End of my Line?" blogs listed in the sidebar of this blog).

As I continue through what will be my 2nd IUI cycle (Cycle 1 was a "no-go" because I ovulated on my right side and *might* have a blocked fallopian tube), several random thoughts swirl through my head:

When I traipse into the doctor's office, I can't help but feel like it's a cattle call of couples being treated for any myriad of infertility issues, somewhat akin to being rounded up when you board a flight on Southwest Airlines;
Why are the nurses so damn calm? Have they become hardened to the mental states that most couples are in once they land at this type of facility? Would it kill you to have a sense of urgency and actually worry with me once in a while? Why do you have to be so damn clinical all the time???
Will I ever see the same doctor twice? Every stinkin' time I have come in to be poked and prodded by that ultrasound doodad, it's a different doctor. "Um, doc - are you sure we're a "go" for IUI this cycle since I ovulated on my right side and may very well have a blocked tube? Hello??? Did you even spend 2 minutes reading my chart before you busted into the exam room? What do you mean, did the other doctor tell me this office doesn't do laproscopy procedures to unblock fallopian tubes anymore? Do you guys even talk to each other?"

Ok. Venting is done for now.

Will This be the Month?

2006-08-14T17:02:00.000-07:00

Now that we have our sperm donor selected, and the sperm ready and waiting at my doctor's office, it's just a matter of ovulation. Since there is a possibility that my right fallopian tube is blocked, the doctors advised me to only go through with the intrauterine insemination (IUI) when I ovulate on my left side. Though IUI is not nearly as costly as IVF, it ain't cheap. Each cycle, I am to call the doctor's office and let the nurses know when I have started my period, also known as cycle day 1 (CD 1). Then, starting on CD 11, I am to use an ovulation predictor kit to determine my LH surge. If I haven't surged by CD13, then I go into the doctor's office for an ultrasound, where they can confirm that I'm developing a follicle, and that my uterine lining is thickening to be ready for implantation. If the follicle hasn't developed enough yet, then I continue testing for my surge and come in again (for another ultrasound) a couple days later if ovulation still hasn't been detected. Each time I get an ultrasound, it's $200. This happens to be an out-of-network office, so my insurance only covers these costs once I have fulfilled a $600 deductible. I've paid over this amount now, so am hoping that the reimbursement checks start to arrive soon.

Last month, I dutifully started testing on CD11, and detected a positive surge on CD16. As I sat in the exam room, I asked God whether this was going to be the moment. A few minutes later, the ultrasound showed a very nicely developing uterine lining and dominant follicle...but it was on the right side. IUI would not be in the cards for me in July.

In hindsight, I think this was for the best. Hubby and I went to Las Vegas the weekend of June 23rd, and both of us fell sick with the flu as soon as we got home. I'm glad I didn't get the IUI through all of this because I want to be in optimal health when I do get pregnant.

Will this be the month? I will probably know by the end of this week! This cycle, the doctor started me on Clomid, which is a drug that makes your body develop more than one follicle. The hope being that if I ovulate on my right side again, I'll also ovulate on my left side. There is an 8% chance of conceiving twins when you take this drug, but I would just be so overjoyed to be pregnant that twins would just be a different type of blessing. I'm currently on CD 12, and will likely go into the doctor's office tomorrow for the first ultrasound of this cycle.

On a side note...it's been rather comforting to see the ultrasounds confirm that I am indeed ovulating and seem to be creating a hospitable environment in my uterus. We've been trying to get pregnant for so long that sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. It's pretty exciting to see that my body is doing what it's supposed to be doing, so please keep your fingers crossed for me for this cycle, and I'll keep everyone posted! Ta ta for now.

Selecting the Right Sperm

2006-08-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

So the whole process of selecting which donor sperm you want to go with has been a mix of fascination, trepidation, amusement, and still some sadness. I am able to go through this process almost as if it's an extension of browsing through one of my favorite catalogs (yes, I'm a shopper). Let's see, do I want the guy with the dark hair and eyes, or should we go for one of those Nordic donors? Ooh, there's an exotic section of donors who are comprised of unique backgrounds, too. Ok - a little too exotic.

Having always been an extremely organized individual, I take to this task as though it's a series of items I need to check off of my to-do list. Make a list of qualities you want the sperm donor to possess...check...set up an account with the sperm bank...check...check insurance coverage on infertility...check...setup an appointment with a couples therapist...check...But sometimes I put the brakes on my full-steam-ahead mentality when I can see in my husband's eyes that this is still hurting him. And then I question whether this is still the right path to pursue. We'll go for days and sometimes even weeks without discussing this topic in depth, but every time we bring it up - he still wants to pursue it. I do, too. So we move on.

We browsed through the donor catalog for several weeks before we started to narrow down the choices. It finally came down to 2 donors, and number 1 was the clear winner in our eyes. Number 2 was in the running too, but we just thought we'd nailed it with all the similarities to my husband that we'd identified in the front-runner. The last step we opted to pursue was to have the sperm bank perform a photographic match of my husband to these final candidates. The results were very surprising - my husband matched almost perfectly to the 2nd donor! The lady on the phone even said that they could pass for brothers. And yes - he was a very poor match to the guy which we orginally thought had been "the one". So after a brief discussion, we opted to go with Number 2, and ordered up his goods to be delivered and stored at my doctor's office.

Going With the Donor Sperm Route

2006-08-10T17:55:00.000-07:00

After many months of deliberation, and extended periods of time when we didn't discuss our azoospermia issue, we decided to go with the donor sperm route. There were many reasons for this, but which I am not going to delve into detail on this blog. Suffice it to say that it took quite a bit of soul-searching, and my husband finally decided that he wanted a child that was a part of me, even if he couldn't contribute his DNA to the picture. I felt elated, tentative, and sad all at the same time. Elated that I may finally get pregnant and experience the joys associated with pregnancy, labor, and delivery. Tentative that this might not work. I do have a potentially blocked fallopian tube - what if they find other issues with me as well? My husband had male infertility, but what if I had other issues that we just hadn't uncovered yet? Lastly, I felt sad because of the sense of loss I had knowing that I would never have my husband's child. And I know he felt this too.

Considering Adoption

2006-08-10T17:40:00.000-07:00

When we first learned about the diagnosis, we started to discuss adoption. I tried to picture how I would react adopting a child, and thought that felt ok. I had to bite my tongue because when my husband first mentioned donor sperm (per his urologist's suggestion), he quickly dismissed it as something he didn't think he could ever go through. So as quickly as my hopes were raised that I could still have the baby be a part of me, they were dashed by my husband who didn't think he could bring himself to go that route. I decided to not verbalize the hurt I felt, because we were both hurting enough already. Besides, adoption could still work out great. We both knew several families that had adopted, and were very happy and fulfilled.

I started researching adoption on the internet, and was quickly overwhelmed at what I found. There are domestic and international options, and it seemed that the international route was more promising, just because of the increased chances of adopting an infant, which is what we wanted. We both thought it would be neat to adopt from China, and I was also excited to see we could potentially adopt a Vietnamese child. I even emailed a lady who headed up one of the Vietnam adoption agencies, but it didn't feel quite right. Deep down, I still wanted to investigate the donor sperm option, and I knew it was time to talk to my husband about it. Adoption would have to wait for now.

D-Day aka SA Results

2006-08-10T17:12:00.000-07:00

It may be a let-down that this post doesn't cover my husband's experiences with providing his sperm sample, but I just don't feel I could do it justice to summarize his experience. I'll have to see if I can convince him to author a post and share his perspective on this himself. I think it'd be more authentic that way. Oh honey...

So as I already detailed in my first post, my husband received the dreaded news from my OB/GYN that he had no sperm, which is also known as azoospermia. I wasn't home at the time, and didn't know yet. When I did get home, he didn't answer to my calls. Was he upstairs, or outside, or something? I headed upstairs, and I was taken aback as I saw him standing in our master bathroom, in front of his vanity. The look on his face said it all: something was wrong.

We had been waiting several days for the SA results, so it didn't automatically occur to me that it was this that could cause him to be so upset. When I asked him what was wrong, he simply stated that the test results were in and that he...had...no...sperm. What?! What do you mean you don't have any sperm? What does that even mean? You don't have any at all??

I was surprised at how calmly I was reacting. It was very surreal. There we were, discussing one of the most shocking moments of our lives, and I felt like everything was moving in slow motion. A good chunk of my world had just been pulled out from under me, and all my assumptions and hopes about getting pregnant as soon as we were ready to were dashed in the few seconds it took for him to tell me the diagnosis.

The rest of that conversation is a bit of a blur for me. I remember breaking down and crying at one point, but it wasn't even a real hearty cry. It was a I'm-just-so-shocked-I-don't-know-what-the-hell-to-do type of cry. And my hubby was pretty stoic yet emotional at the same time, if that makes sense.

For all you men out there, take note. It never once occurred to me that I should leave my husband because he could not father my child. This is something that he felt would be a horrible yet acceptable course of action on my part, considering our situation. That is not what marriage is about, and I knew we just needed to process this information and figure out where to go from there - together.

He had to go through some additional tests to determine whether he had a blockage or not (he didn't), and the last resort (extracting some sperm through needle aspiration of the testes) was dashed when the urologist didn't think that a viable option.

The HSG Test

2006-08-10T15:32:00.000-07:00

On the day of the scheduled HSG test, my husband accompanied me to the lab that was going to conduct the procedure. I was a bit surprised when they didn't let him accompany me into the exam room, but tentatively felt ok to brave it alone. I'm not a major wimp, but it was more fear of the unknown that was giving me butterflies in my stomach. My doc had quickly explained to me that they stick a catheter up your cervix and inject dye into you...this dye then paints the uterus and flows out of the fallopian tubes, if your tubes are unobstructed. So the part about dye flowing out of my fallopian tubes, while a bit out there, didn't really worry me. It was the part about the catheter up the cervix that really had me worried. As it turns out, I was partly right to worry about that point...

First of all, this next section is something that all females should be able to relate to and empathize with me on! Let me just start by saying that the doctor performing the procedure was a man. Now I am not discriminating against male doctors, before anyone gets upset. But it's an important aspect to point out because not all male doctors are "in tune" with a woman's anatomy and some of the finer points that should accompany any procedure that happens "down there".

My horror first began when I saw him take out a speculum, and without another thought, he started to head to my nether region. The problem in this was that he didn't lube it, or even dip it into any water. He forced it into me, and as if that pain and discomfort wasn't enough, he then proceeded to TURN the speculum while it was inside of me!!! Again, if you're a woman - you are probably gasping in horror, because you can probably imagine how it felt to have the lips of the speculum (that hang over on the side) scrape against my vaginal wall. Not good.

Once I got over that, he started to feed the catheter into my uterus, and was kind enough to warn me that it was about to enter the cervix. Ok, I'm good with that. I could feel some slight pressure as he fed it into the cervix, but I was starting to think it wasn't going to be so bad. Then he told me he was going to pump up the balloon in the catheter, which would act as a cervix plug and prevent the dye, once expelled, from leaking out of the uterus by way of the cervix opening.

This is when the cramping began. And I'm not talking the kind you get with your period, even if they're bad. I'm talking the type of cramping that made me want to double-over in pain, and I even let a moan escape. It was that bad. The next several minutes, the doctor proceeded to take pictures of my innards while occasionally re-adjusting my position...get on your side...get on your other side...get on your back again...I had to bear this a bit longer than usual because he couldn't get my right tube to drain. As time went on, the level of pain did decrease, although only slightly. I guess I was just dull to the pain now. I also felt like a had a huge gas bubble in my belly, and I so wished I could stick a needle in my stomach to relieve the pressure.

Then, the doc deflated the balloon, and removed the catheter and speculum. Yes, there was more pain at the removal phase, but not as bad as just a few moments ago. They had me wait in the exam room while the xrays were developed, and I was so uncomfortable (still had the sensation of a huge, volatile gas bubble in my belly), that I couldn't find any position, sitting or standing, where I was comfortable. I finally settled into a half-standing position, where I was doubled-over and leaning on the exam table. It must have been a lovely sight for the assistant to walk in and see me like this.

Bottom-line results showed that my right fallopian tube never did manage to drain any dye. To this day, I'm not sure if my tube is in fact blocked, or whether the high amount of cramping that I experienced had simply blocked the tube temporarily. Apparently this happens sometimes. The good news was that my left tube did drain, so I have at least 1 tube in good working condition.

Maybe We Should Get Checked Out

2006-08-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my first post on this blog, my husband and I (who I will from this point onward refer to as my dear "hubby") had been trying to conceive for almost a year when the nagging worries started to creep in at an increasingly alarming rate. When we first started trying, I was excitedly doing research on how to become pregnant, and learned about the fascinating world of ovulation and all the funky things you can look at to determine if you're producing eggs. Ah yes - I charted my temps, tracked my cervical fluid (I hate the word mucous in this context, or in any context for that matter. It just sounds gross and is not a word I choose to use to describe something that emanates from my body.), and read up on lots of information on the internet about a woman's cycle and when best to do the deed to maximize your changes of getting pregnant. But month after month, my heart would drop as I'd start yet another cycle after thinking that every headache, backache, and bit of queasiness that I experienced during the 2 week wait meant that I had "surely gotten knocked up this time".

So we scheduled an appointment with my OB/GYN and came in for a consultation. I was to have an HSG test, and hubby was to have a semen analysis (SA). The HSG would tell whether my fallopian tubes were blocked, and the SA would verify that my husband had healthy swimmers. I also had some other tests as well, but I forget what they were called...something about measuring my hormone levels to make sure I was producing enough progesterone, maybe? So off we went to get the tests done, of which I will provide a brief description in my next post.

*Please Note: I found it extremely helpful as we embarked on this process to be knowledgeable about my cycle and the nuances within. If you've been trying to conceive (TTC) for awhile, I highly recommend that you learn about fertility in general, and chart your temps and any unique items that make you, you. Once I entered this whirlwind of diagnosis, I could hold my own talking about temping, ovulation, cycle days, what-have-you, with my doc. And this was only possible because I became self-educated, NOT because I had a particularly informative doc who took the time needed to explain all these concepts to me. Another useful tip - request copies of all test results so you will have your own file on your medical history, and can keep the myriad of doctors you may deal with straight on the facts. Doctors are intelligent but busy people, and it is very easy for them to miss details in your file that are important to highlight, address, etc. If you are new to fertility and want to learn more, look for a future post that will provide useful information on your quest for newfound knowledge.

Let's Give This Blog Thing a Try

2006-08-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

Where do I begin? First of all, I'm pretty new to blogging. Don't get me wrong; I know what blogs are, and have even checked some out after I read a magazine article that included some honorable mentions. Then today, the idea struck me to search for a blog that I could relate to, particularly in one aspect of my life. I couldn't find one. I found many, many blogs that I could partially relate to...but nothing that was exactly right. Random thought - I hear a voice in my head reciting that part from Little Red Riding Hood: "This porridge is too thick...this porridge is too thin...this porridge is just right...". Who knows if it was even porridge that Little Red Riding hood was sampling, and if it was the consistency of the meal that put her off. Whatever the case, I digress.

What I'm really looking for is a way to connect with other folks who are in a similar situation as my husband and I are in. We're trying to conceive (TTC), and we're now chasing the 2-year mark. About 1 year into this journey, we finally started to wonder if something was wrong. I never doubted my ability to by a fertile myrtle (is that how one spells that word??), as evidenced by my highly fertile sisters and mother - who, bless her heart, had 5 kids! Surprisingly enough, she just recently told me that my grandmother got extremely upset with her after she had her tubes tied shortly after my birth - I guess grandma thought the perfect number of kids was 10. Aye, caramba!

So after the usual gamet of tests (I'll get into the details of my test results in a separate post), we got the most shocking news of our lives...my husband's semen analysis (SA) had come in, and he had no sperm. Just like that. That's how my OB/GYN delivered the news to him. No emotion, no "I'm sorry to have to tell you this..." type of lead-in. She just dropped the news on him like a lead balloon.

So this is where my story begins (at least for the purposes of this blog), and where I'll chronicle the trials and tribulations that began on that fateful autumn day in 2005.